Results day

over the past few weeks leading up to today i had been dreading the outcome of my results. every time i think about them, i get a sour taste in my mouth and the urge to throw up. i don't want to face the outcome for i know i will be severely disappointed, and will drown in regret. i didn't deserve to pass, and even if i did, i cannot suppress my deepest regret for this year. bad luck wouldn't even describe how this year turned out. this year was a curse, i was doomed to fail and i tried everything in my power to prevent it, but my efforts were insufficient. i got my results today, and it said, 'lower class second'. this means that i can't pursue my dream career, this also means that i can't apply for any scholarships, graduate schemes, or apply for a PhD. i feel so worthless right now. every time i'm left to my own thoughts, the regrets flood my mind leaving me in an emotional breakdown. i burst into tears. how can i break this vicious cycle? why is it that whenever i have a glimmer of hope, the world crushes down on me? i'm not like all the other girls, i don't date, i don't drink - why is it that i could help others but can't help myself? or more specifically, why are my good deeds never repaid? why do i have to suffer? isn't it written in the qur'an that a believer is protected from life's and eternal sorrow? why am i being punished? what am i being punished for? i worked so hard this year but my efforts have all been in vain. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. astaghfur allah alatheem... astaghfur allah alatheem... astaghfur allah alatheem.