new artist alliance logo

wohoo i forgot to add this in last blog post :L the artist alliance has a heart! lol get it? i mean literally!

so i did this yesterday - i'm still not convinced.. too girly i know, i feel like i ran dry on ideas dammit i really need to start slapping my hand everytime i click photoshop. i need practise on illustrator! i encountered a problem on photoshop where i had all these nice drawn shapes and paths.... buttt when i tried to merge the paths i got negative or empty areas in the wrong places on my shapes! i tried making moar anchor points but that never helped so meh..i was really annoyed! also, paths were never ever straight lines. you think they're straight but wait till you zoom in x1500 you'll be sorry, you'll be crying at how dodgy and not straight your lines are :L anyways enough of my ramblings... admire the final product above ;D

where to begin?! q_q

so much on my mind aghh

blog post by one pearl button  really opened my eyes about ways to get organised. simply wow...

whats on my mind? well.....

game fest 2011

sickness

sainsburys
volunteering
going abroad

tutorials i need to read

logo design for aa

inspiration for da submission

no more zombies, get over it

sort room - walls, table, floors, storage

need to know where everything is!

sort kitchen - rip out old and stick in the new

get a working environment to learn new stuff - my room needs to be spotless :(

learn illustrator
learn adobe premier
learn after effects
learn sai

camera

lose weight - because like a cactus, i can't seem to lose what i already have

seo work

learn moar about advertising on the internets

read some darn science articles

publish some new content on review science

publish content on artist alliance

get organised, know what i need to do and when to do it

find time to pray

find time for parents

find time for relaxing

review current knowledge

find out about what to do with my degree

this darn cough

attic... is.. heavy... need to de-clutter

wash

aerobics

don't depress over others, get on, focus

paint walls

get paint for walls

feel like you're doing something... & have a target, at least 1

meh..

sleep

getting back a normal sleeping pattern

getting overwhelmed with the list

skipping to the sleep bit

zzzzz....

COUGHHHHHH

zzzzzzz.....

sad face

story of my life.

< insert something appropriate --->

today while i was working mum came over. the look on her face when she approached me as i was code checking.. it was a look of affection, a look of pity, a look of feeling sorry. at that moment i knew she had given up on me going to uni this year.
it almost brought tears to my eyes.. her tone of voice really struck knives down my back. she told me: dad has been speaking to some girls at work, and they advised him on how to land a job there. she asked, whether i'd be interested. of course i'd be interested.. but its kinda obvious, first come, first serve basis was always the case. regardless, i can't get her image, her face out of my head. it has consumed me today, and almost drained me. insha'allah things will work out. insha'allah this struggle will be over soon. insha'allah i'd make her proud someday..

overflow of chaos prevents advances

over the past few days i've been contemplating the idea of making a completely different blog to serve as a review of current science articles... and pretty much anything i find interested related to biochemical research. link: http://reviewscience.blogspot.com/

i have a number of ideas for it but.. honestly? another review blog? moan moar tym? my other.. completely different idea is to resume my graphics work. of course thats a shot in the leg if i decide that its not worth my time. all i know.. is that i want to do many things, and theres just not enough drive to push past the chaos around me at the moment.

the artist alliance sure needs a resurrection.. then again, i just want to concentrate on a single thing and see how it goes.. meh.. so many possibilities :/ a final message to self: 

i need to get myself one of those posters stuck on my plain plain wall.

dream catchers can't catch every bad dream. true story.

lets talk bad dreams. ever had a dream that felt so real you woke up paranoid? confused? wanting to pee really really badly? 3 instances spring to mind lol. one time i dreamt that uhh.... this rooster-human hybrid clan were like the protectors of the earth. for some reason i got caught up in their little turmoil and they had offered me to drink this thing - which looked like was made in a lab... and to join them.. basically.
me, protector of all simply jumped to the idea not considering whether there were other hybrids out there. more powerful/wise and so on. all i wanted to do was help this clan. when i woke up i just thought to myself wtf?! a chicken-hybrid?! stupid birds can't even fly! i remembered that those hybrids were like the chinese calendar animals and were all at conflict and there was me.. choosing a rooster over dragons.. aghh.. dania you should have asked for dragons! you can't help everyone! dammit!
another dream i had was that i was in a hospital or something - its really old, like a hospice or something and i was in training there. i didn't know my way and i was just following instructions by the supervisor i was aiding. so it was getting to the end of the day, and she told me to help her to lock up - of course the windows were open so my instinct told me to close the windows. i did 3 windows just fine, but omg.. the fourth window.. as i approached to close it, i was frozen, literally petrified! i couldn't move anything but my eye lids. i was slowly elevated and remained in mid air helpless. i didn't know whether to be scared, acknowledge that its a dream and turn into a super saiyan and break free or to scream. everything just seemed at a standstill and all i could see was an open field outside this window. gosh i hated myself for being so helpless.. surely closing windows won't spark the supernatural and make them angry? meh.. when i woke up my heart was racing! i couldn't go back to sleep - horrible dream was horrible!
another bad experience was in homebase (gardening and home superstore). there was this green-like goblin following me around. everytime i looked around it had its gaze focused on me and after a few turns, explosives were getting thrown everywhere and the building began to collapse. i ducked for cover behind some isles and decided it was best to head to the out doors since you can get fresh air there. as i crept outside there was this maze... similar to the maze in final fantasy x where you had to solve before meeting yunalesca o_o

but of course.. i couldn't just go through with it so at that point i climbed the fence and headed towards the car park. the store literally was in ruins now, and that green dude was hot on my tail. i get in the car and boom. yeah..sucks. that boom was so loud though i woke up from hearing it.

why on earth am i talking about this? i'm feeling a little grisly after killing one of those big jumpy spiders. u.u;

taking back sunday

seems like all the people around me are depressed. here was me on my free day, i love spending those extra moments in bed stretching before waking up - that was abruptly interrupted by a lot of screaming, shouting, and the reminder of reality: i'm still living with my parents.

after a day of preventing any form of arguments (and failing most of the time.. aghh), rearranging furniture and scrubbing the kitchen sink/work space areas i really need a good game of zombies on black ops! it seems that i always end up with foreign/noobs that don't know how to communicate and survive above level 15. kitchen scrubbing wasn't as bad as i had anticipated. mum had asked me to wash the dishes.. but oh my oh my.. the amount of filth i saw really made me cringe i had to scrub it clean :/ sometimes you have to do what it takes to cheer someone up - i hope that i cheered mum because cleaning the crap out of the kitchen isn't one of my usual chores. in fact since i don't cook, i don't usually linger around the kitchen. its mum's special place and it never feels right invading it in any form o.o since i was scrubbing the skink i thought i might as well concentrate on the area where the washing up is placed, and food is cooked... meh.. 2 hours and 30 mins scrubbing... u.u; .. i'm not complaining; i'm just tired. i can't feel my fingers. i hope mum feels better tomorrow.. i really hope. insha'allah.

whats the point?

whats the deal with muslims celebrating eid on different days? the majority of people celebrated it on tuesday while some mosques decided that oooh no we can't see the moon, the mosque next door lies! ...meh. people begin to fast all on the same day, so why not agree to celebrate eid on the same day? weird world we live in...
it was back to work today for me, and it was so darn busy today.. i confronted... well.. talked to my manager today regarding a list of issues i had over the past week, which was great and all except it seemed like he wasn't really listening and i fear for the worst. as usual, only the crap seems to find its way for me, and nothing good ever seems to come out at all.
i'm finding it really difficult to be at peace when i'm alone. all my regrets, how my hopes and aspirations all seem so far away and i can never ever reach absolution because of so many obstacles in my way aghh. example? the muslim family who were renting our second property, who lived on the council and claimed all sorts of benefits and did not pay rent till the end of every single month (or till dad started tearing his hair) decided to leave the country, unexpectedly. after getting their british citizenship, and claiming all the money from the council, they left for dubai! they not only paid july's rent on the 10th of august, but also didn't pay the 21 days of rent that they lived in during ramadhan! the family were supposedly poor and so were living on the council! they left the house in such a state.. i really cannot wish them anything but curses. they lived in the property for 6 whole years and to be honest.. despite leaving unexpectedly.. i'm also kinda relieved that they're gone. a muslim would never do such a thing. mum said that the money that they took would count as zakat because it most certainly did not come out of their pockets, and the sole purpose of the benefits was to pay for the rent, which wasn't paid so yeah... what can you do? i say let god treat them as they've treated us for on judgement day there will be no mercy for the kafir.
this little mishap ruined all our plans to renovate our 15 year old kitchen. now we'll have to clean up that house, find new tenants and watch our spending because without the money coming from the rent, we cannot afford to go anywhere or even pay for my brother's living expenses at uni. that house being rented was really the only relief we had for the mortgages, bills, etc. and so without it rented, its extremely difficult to do anything. astaghfur allah alatheem.

another example is booking a gp appointment. i needed a health check up to apply for volunteer work - now not only did the clinic not have my details, but i've had to register as a new patient. this meant that my details were to be transferred from nottingham's clinic to here, which is estimated to take as much as 4 weeks! in 4 weeks the flippin position would be filled! i've done a new patient check up but thats just a bs test done by a nurse, which is meaningless to the employers because special tests are needed. aghh! i called them up a week later and they still don't have my records. i'm really not impressed. i've told the employment lady about my situation and she cannot guarantee my place. sucks to be me right now. i can't even secure a volunteer role wtf.

i keep telling myself, that i'm fortunate to have a home, to have a loving family, to have food on the table, to have a job, to have the ability to walk, talk, hear, play, write, and so on but when i'm alone, i can't help getting upset, i really can't.