its been so long since i wrote something about myself. all i've been writing for the past 3 years has been scientific research-based reports. it has sucked the creativity out of me, and so with every single day that i am required to write a report i find myself sighing at my computer screen - followed by the urge to burn the assignment and write something i'm really passionate about - like owning zombies on call of duty.
due to the lack of time, and me generally getting sloppy with my english i haven't bothered. heres my attempt to break this vicious cycle and regain my awesome creativity back. so as a start, and if you've managed to read through the rambles above, welcome to my blog. you seriously have too much time on your hands if you've read this. you've wasted your life reading about mine hahaha. yeah that makes me laugh. but thank you - you've earned my respect :)
so who am i? uhm.. the first thought that crops into my head, is the fact that i was chosen to be published on the university of nottingham's burn website - i'm studying biotechnology - and before that i did 2 years of biochemistry. i decided to change courses because i felt lost and did not feel satisfied with the lectures i was getting. everytime i had to revise for the exams, the first thought that cropped into my head was: WHEN THE HELL AM I GOING TO NEED THIS?! it was a major de-motivator, and despite the fact that the topics were interesting.. (to a certain extent) i honestly didnt feel like i would do anything with the knowledge. back then, i had freelance work, i enjoyed being amazing at creating graphics, getting worshipped on the fly for fame forums and getting complemented for my ever so awesome website layouts and creations. i felt like those were enough, yet i couldnt imagine myself taking the 'artness' hobby any further. to be honest, i still don't. nevertheless, my hobbies dominated my time. i started skipping lectures, handing things in late, and slowly isolating myself from my friends, family and my faith. i was digging a hole, and depression came with it in addition to anxiety, loss of confidence and keeping everything in. there was no way out, but i still had some hope, but not strong enough to pull me out of my misery. being good at something only temporarily brought me happiness, and the real issues in life were getting ignored. i think i'm digging a new hole now, an even bigger one now as the year progresses.. i need to regain control over my life. this is where this blog comes in. i don't want to keep things in - at least, i don't want to keep too many things in to the point where i ruin my life. i need some sort of breather, i need to express myself in some form, i need to make the effort and move.
this year has been so horrible in contrast to last year. i had such high hopes when my june exam results came out, like i can be someone special. i had regained my passion for biology, and i was willing to take it further, to study for something greater. but the thing is, i was scared. i was scared of what would become of me if my dream wouldnt come true. if my desire wouldnt be satisfied. the thing is, this year, that question was answered. i dug a new hole of depression, and all that i had gained last year, has gone out of the window thisn year. i'm not okay yet i pretend to be to everyone. actually - no one knows what i had been up to, and so the fact that i don't have anyone to share my issues with, adds to the problem. i don't want to get anyone involved, because people are judgemental. people expect too much, and when you don't deliver, theres a huge fence built between your friendship adding awkwardness, guilt, and disappointment. i can't handle rejection well, and this has affected my efforts this year to make this year, the best year ever.
this month would mark whether i would succeed, or fail miserably - if i don't get my act together this month, then i am doomed. my future in biotechnology would be faltered, shattered, and screwed. i need a miracle to get out of this hell hole. i need to regain control over my life!
