Finding your feet, not yet the ground

It's been a long time since i made a post. today i just like, i really needed to write.
so much has happened the past 2 years and i just can't help but wonder how different things were years back. i feel like i had lost so much time. i don't regret my choices but looking back, so much has changed.
i was listening to a conversation today, and before i knew it.. i found myself thinking about my dad, how he must feel at this moment in time. i can't imagine anyone else going through what he is going through but for this particular moment i felt that the people having the conversation knew exactly how he felt.
strangely enough, i kind of related to it too.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Quoted by Albert Einstein

Truth be said, I actually agree with this. To think that for one day in our lives we could go without the use of technology is unfathomable! Struggle we would, as we won't be able to check our emails, toast our toast, never mind getting to work in under 10 minutes! Technology has intertwined with our lives that we no longer really think about how much we are better off. Take the latter example above, in poorly developing countries, once a child reaches adolescence, they are expected to take responsibility for their family, and work. Whether be it fetching water from a 10 mile walk across a dangerous land, or going into sulphur toxic factories.. they will not get the same privileges we do with our technologically advanced houses with warm and clean waters. Or the luxuries of travelling by car - yet in a way we all feel somewhat imprisoned. It seems that we're not happy with what we have. We are always seeking ways to improve our lifestyles. Perhaps the side effects of having technology has blinded us from what's really important.

I was speaking to an elderly last week about how technology has become so prominent and essential in our life, and she opened her wardrobe for me. She showed me a dress which is still in its immaculate condition. She had this dress for over 30 years. She then showed me her comb, she had that for as long as she could remember! It really made me think, we rely so much on technology and we're always looking to buy more. Somewhere along the road, we all became completely reliant on technology, so much so that we feel anxiety and depression if we cannot check our emails. The feeling of missing out on vital requisites drive us mad!
I know that I previously worshipped my megaz0r pc, since I built it completely by hand, its like an extension of my limbs to improve my art, to improve my connectivity to the digital world. Surely enough, it played an essential part in my studies and took a significant chunk from my free time, just being on the internet. I feel somewhat cheated, I signed myself up to an endless abyss where time was the fuel, and no significant changes were taking place. Its only when you look at the bigger picture that you realise that with all the technology around, you should be careful to pick only what you know you will need, not what you want - just because its new and amazing. Everything has its time and I'm glad that I have realised the significance of technologies, and became more sensitive to the destruction it also brings into our lifestyles. We are all slaves to technologies we have created, and every so often we should detach ourselves from these intoxicating and addictive mediums.

Keith Campbell

just read my email to find keith's name mentioned. i'm deeply saddened to read about his death. he was a wonderful supervisor and mentor with so much knowledge and wisdom to share. he will be greatly missed. i remember when i first found out he was my supervisor - i was so excited and to this day i remain privileged to have met such an inspiring character.
news like this really make me reflect on how precious life really is. he inspired me to follow my instincts. he was very supportive about my decisions after university and i'm grateful for all his guidance throughout my time in Nottingham.

all those things

today has been weird mid-day i thought i had caught the MRSA bug running around my ward earlier this week and so i completely isolated myself from the whole house now i just think it might be a false alarm - though i have to say my stomach still doesn't feel very comfortable... eh who knew catching this would be so easy even when i've been so careful? then again maybe not? i guess its best to wait and see o_o

i've found that i have these over-expectations i keep of myself - reality slap kinda helped today.. it feels so much serious and stressful this time round. its good, it means i care enough about what i want to achieve.. maybe thats why i've had loose bowls today? am i really that stressed?

blown out of the window

s small relief to a challenging month

there is this thing called 'necessities' and theres this other thing called 'MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE'
today they were merged. after quickly taking a peek at my pay slip, i sighed with relief for i've been waiting for this pay day very very patiently. not to say the least i splashed out today. lets.. call it an investment in the good future. i prefer to place my money into good use, so for today, i hope i've done the right thing, for me. i hope that i will truly benefit from this..

insha'allah

this is all halah money, its money i've earned through helping people and its the sweetest gift, or like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.. ehh i'm making it sound like its a lot.. its not really.. its tiny compared to what others with my degree are getting.. but at least i know its a money well deserved, its all i need right now

alhamdu'allah

just too crazy

think hospital work is boring? WRONG! in 5 days the following happened:

• a fire alarm was set off in the morning conveniently on my ward, just on a day i happened to be late. no patients are gonna get any treatment without me there BWAHAHAHA~
• diarrhoea outbreak leading to a ward closure - never fear the bugs tho, treatments must carry on (which also means moar hand washings)
• lady fell on floor and shattered her neck of femur into little shards of bones - looks awesome on the x-ray, but painful for the poor old lady (i hope she gets better, she was really nice too)
• killing streak on my job: 

1. T-roll i suggested for a patient WAS ACTUALLY IMPLEMENTED! woop woop :D

2. stairs assessment not done by some lame student WAS ACTUALLY IMPLEMENTED coz i said so!

3. 20mins to get ready for church! fastest time i ever got a resident to get changed and ready for the day 

*victory dance*

so with that aside i had today off. i went to london to get my olympic uniform sorted - and i have to say i am really impressed. the fit is amazing and the quality is yummy. thank you adidas thank you <3

its been a fine week for randomness woo ~ :]

every single day is special

there comes a time in life where you begin to let go of what you cannot control and focus on what can indeed be changed with will power and determination... a lot of determination can go a long way into making something impossible seem feasible and soon later, possible. its a matter of thinking of each and every single day as a day to celebrate yourself. celebrate your knowledge, celebrate the blessings and all the things you have available to you.
kindness and self-preservation are the keys to nurturing the spirit. in addition, the compilation of a journal of all the positive things you've done for people will soon fill you with joy and warmth. every single person is born with a mere purpose, learn from mistakes and improve. the journey of life is not a straight line. i can see that now from my experiences, from what others have seen and gone through. everything is a test, a hurdle waiting to be disseminated into order. your individual experience is a charity of your work, a gift of life, and therefore a gift of unique and utterly improbable freedom of will to learn and formulate your individuality. everyone is different yet we all share a common goal, and a common problem. 

One fine day (in bed)

is that porn i see behind your pillow mr?

no fun staying at home, i thought my flu would be all better today, instead i woke up to a cough spasm - i kept coughing and nothing came out! common! all the coughing took all the energy out of me and so for the rest of the day i've had to call in sick.. no fun times at the nursing home this weekend :( it used to be one of my highlights, to see the residents, and well... something always crops up keeping me motivated & engaged. last week i was at the top of my game, i put my organisation skills into good use, and so everyone was really enjoying their shift. i got to see one of the residents do some amazing walking skills.. i mean 2 residents: one who wasn't supposed to walk but managed to find their way & walk to the dinning area while the other had helped themselves to the toilet (with somewhat success.....) and even put themselves to bed. it amused me what some people get up to, its all lulz in elderly care. i couldn't stop smiling, bless the elderly nation! i love their keen determination and 'can do' attitude.

no fun for me this weekend sadly, i uninstalled homeworld cataclysm, its just unnecessary stress to my tired and very sick self at the moment. i looked at some of my art stored on the computer.. i'm so good at it but its really no longer what i want to do. though, it got me thinking.. its always me designing for others, its always me doodling for other people and i've never ever had anyone do any art for me. its really remarkable isn't it? bubble burst - i think i intimidate people -in terms of my art skills and expectations at least. no one dares to approach me with a gift of their art work.. bleh dunno if thats a good thing or a bad thing? mixture of both perhaps? i dunno.. the only thing i could find was this:

 and 
(which i had to colour... lol)

not feelin the love hahah oh well.. what can ya do eh? i'm hard to impress xD

Here it comes

down with the sickness, sniff cough sneeze all at the same time *multi-tasking*

my room should really get quarantined because my cold has turned into a deadly flu :( this week has been really crappy. flu = no work, so what do i do, waste my time on homeworld cataclysm damn i love old games like this! i'm too sick to play the piano and too tired to go out anywhere. is it just me or does flu medicine knock you out? it says non-drowsy but ... maybe its not working!!
updated design to blog, i've added a new header and tinkered with the background. i wanted to keep original template bg colour and just attach an image instead, i actually really like the old template - so for now the background image is just like a coating i suppose. minor changes.. i've yet to really edit the html script properly.. i just don't feel like it! takes time and high amounts of concentration to get it sorted.. bleh it 'looks' error-less so i won't complain.
bored now, i set a cataclysm game on hard and the cpu kicked my ass within 5 minutes flat. hyperspacing whores!!! my fleet stood no chance xD

phoned my boss today - my voice sounded so dead in the morning i barely had to say anything to convince him i'm sick to the bone - it hurts to laugh.. it really does. 

avengers

a low point at work is never a good thing. i found myself getting the glooms over the incompetence of others and then i thought to myself... why are you so bothered?! listed all the good things i've done and accomplished... i never thought i'd get through it... my desperation for a job? for the experience? for the sanity of my mind? i did the things i needed to do, and i should feel whole, accomplished and self-valued. what people do cannot influence my mood, my stress, my motivation. i'm my own determination, and the people around me are mere distractions! who cares if someone decided to change plans, evade their expectations, frustrate over work... for all that i am, i need to learn and listen, not be the centre of the universe. my time will come, patience, perseverance and offering assistance as need be is what i can only do right now.

all i can say is:

alhamdu'allah al'atheem

to grow

no amount of waiting will tell you what you really need to do

we read guidelines, we follow rules... and if something goes wrong, we tend to try to fix things, and move on. thats life for most people. where would we be if there was no order? things have to be in place to be peaceful. training your mind to empathise with others, telling yourself you can do so much more.. you all strive to be the best you could be - so why do you tend to try so hard to impress others but when it comes to yourself, you let yourself down? is that what you call empathy? how can you empathise with others if you cannot empathise with yourself first?

i found myself lost in an obstacle course.. trying to find out a hidden meaning to what i'm doing but in reality its plain simple. everyone has their role to play in life. how well you do your job depends entirely on your commitment and compassion. you're a professional body in an army of workforce and your purpose there is to do your job. there is no need for complements or the feel good drag - all thats there is you, doing your job correctly, and with dignity. everyone has a role to play in this world, and in this job, thank God for all the blessings and fortune that has been bestowed to you. in this work force you need to find yourself, and to do that you need to be the best you could be.

happiness comes from achievement, so achieve something great today, chin up and get on with it.

inconsistent yet provocative

stone sour

day 2 has been a complete inconsistent, some people think they can get away with things while others believe that they could be ever so responsible that allow me to do nothing. everything that happens would inevitably come down to the fact that i have not had my induction, or uniform, or training to allow me to carry out my role.
nevertheless things will fall into place eventually and i should really draw my concern away from work issues to more prevalent and important aspects of my life that would inevitably affect my future. i have to tread carefully and concentrate on whats really important, everything else will be ignored. inner peace really has its down falls, you have to pick your battles carefully, and kindness has to be out of everything you do, doesn't matter who you're dealing with, everyone is human and so deserves to be treated equally, no matter how much of a dumb ass you think they are. important thing is that you're there and you can make a difference in someone else's life, be it hell, or for the better.
speaking of concentrating on important bits - i need to get back to exercising regularly. for the sake of my sanity and others'! today i found myself bored to death with conversations about 'cute pets'. despicable time-wasting and empty conversations about nothing. whats worse, its between middle-aged women... common there has to be more interesting things to talk about. hey how about the NHS strike? will you be striking your foot in your boss's mouth and calling it a bank holiday? oh its on the 10th of May - have fun. please save me from this place and these people :/

deus ex machina

spread your wings

today has been very weird.. i've tried to define the events that took place and i haven't been able to really understand this place yet. it all feels empty, meaningless and quite literally a chore. i had information overload with navigation, terms, acronyms, understanding the basics, etc. one important question: what does the job entail is yet to be answered i don't feel like i've established this core and important question. everything seems off and disorganised... the aspects of work are all to new and i still don't really understand what my job here really is. what? am i supposed to somehow come up with a meaning to all this? certainly my first day has done no good.
i felt very claustrophobic today in the staff room. so many people sitting so close to each other, in a narrow L-shaped room really made me want to leave as soon as possible. i don't think that i'm quite ready for this.. i don't like being trapped and today thats what it felt like.
a hospital environment isn't as good as i thought.. well i honestly didn't have any high expectations but still, i wanted this and now i have to work hard to get accustomed to this new environment. everyone was friendly, then again, everyone would be on your first day. standard protocol.

a moment of calm

I wrote a huge essay here but instead i decided to delete it. i can bear my burden, i can cope with whats going on, and i can be patient. i have to remain positive and know that at the end of the day i have to keep an open mind and forgive people. everyone makes mistakes... i have to find my happiness and i have to find ways to regain what i've lost. i cant continue to depend on family, i'll always end up disappointed. so allow all of that! i'm going to have to do things differently, start fresh and build up my confidence, in myself.

waiting for the string to break

how do you teach an old cat new tricks?

suspense. its there, the long wait for what you know is going to happen. the time you know when all things fall apart, fall into chaos, fall into pieces. time stands still yet somehow still moving. the force that drives the order is crumbling right under your fingertips and knowing this, fumes you with anger, with rage. you were so much better back then, and you ask yourself: where did it all go wrong?
perhaps you knew it was all going to turn out this way, perhaps you wanted to see for yourself, perhaps you thought you were stronger than you really are. you now feel heavy, weak and powerless, unable to react strong enough or fast enough, to make a change, and escape. you crave for a glimmer of happiness, but the darkness, the guilt will always haunt you; like a shadow or a scar, it will never leave you. its too late to panic, its too late to be hopeful, things simply did not go the way you planned. emptiness, hurt and self pity fill your heart. you're not only angry at the world, you're also angry with yourself. nothing matters any more, nothing will ever fill the void you've created. nothing will fix your past.

I just watched Gray's Anatomy and it really got me thinking, I've been so stupid - i hadn't been thinking properly back in my younger years... i had no one to guide me at all, sure i'm amazing at art but where did it get me? i've wasted so much time... so much effort on meaningless pieces that i can simply shred to pieces! why on earth did i bother with art? what good did it do to me? i feel like it has destroyed my future. i'm torn between art and science, and i shouldn't be! and with that, i have developed so much hate for how things have turned out. knowing what i know now, i want to make a change to someone else's life, my little sister. it hurts knowing that no one was there for me to do the same, but i have to be the sword, i have to break this vicious cycle and be it if i get hated in return, in the end i know i've done what i can to change her future. i don't want her to turn out the way i did. i don't want her to struggle like i did, i don't want her to go through all the things i did and will be doing. i have to be that change for her sake, for her happiness in the end.

Old habits die hard

my focus for the past 2 weeks has been in shambles. who ever said you can do it overnight is a damn liar. how on earth can one expect to finish at all? nothing seems to have gone the way i had planned, of course nothing ever does! what am i supposed to do now? roll over and die? no way - i'm in this for the long run. i have to do my best and i have to keep my faith. i can do this. i know i can. 

i let the worst get the best of me, and i can't ever do that again. never again. i could feel my insides crying out in rage - my head immensely hurting, my muscles aching, my stomach burning, my breath all shallow and my poor tired self just unable to take on all this weight. can i really handle all this? i can't doubt myself. i have to have faith - i can't rely on life to become better, i have to somehow find the strength to fight through this obstacle. i cry as i type this for i know i am so much better than this. despite my state of mind and body, i have to face my fears, embrace whats yet to come and improve. this cannot happen again. this state of old habit has to die. there is no other way.

one goal, so many disappointments

we can't all be clones

this week i've been thinking: what the hell do these people expect us to do? why go through all this trouble of experience if at the end of the day sitting in an office you won't be using it?! i can understand caring.. ok but seriously the majority of things that are really relevant would be some managerial kind of work.. wouldn't that be more relevant? how is washing elderly with soap a gold star? darn my frustrations.. another weekend in the slumps and people are starting to ask weird and awkward questions. my personal life is not for others to pry on. i'd be more interested if you people talk intellectually instead of jumping ropes to find out about my personal life. you don't see me do it to you, so why do it to me?

i know how to shuffle a nappy under an elderly now, w00p w00p. i wiped an elderly's bottom today while they decided to piss everywhere as i was almost finished. i picked out clothes for a blind lady today yaay... dad decided to pick me up 2 hours after my shift ended, yayyy... sucks not having my own car but i must persevere.. all this has to end well, somehow, someday.... i hope :(

who's going to save the world tonight?

today has been like living in someone else's life.. i woke up from a dream of watching myself skydive... without a parachute, diving through the air saving someone while grabbing something that i had lost before my jump (off the plane).. ehh i wasn't scared, i wasn't in pain, i wanted to grab this one thing, which i did and resumed to diving towards that person... i can't tell if that was a boy/girl but meh.. i guess that didn't really matter at the time.
went to work experience, helped out where i can, made a few phone calls, ate lunch, helped out a lil more on computers and called it a day. on my way back i went to a bookshop called 'the works' they had many items on sale, and bought myself a lovely 3-in-1 book about life, i dunno i guess i need a new perspective. i need advice on how to cope with people in a difficult position, and really i just wanted something that i could learn from on the train to and from work. i got myself another edition of the theories book - i really liked the science version so i decided to take the theories explained version too. its an awesome book that introduces you to complex science concepts.. awesome awesome stuffies :D
is it weird that i am seeking advice from books? i hope not..
i was speaking to this lady who does agency work, shes got 19 years of experience and was telling me about her likes and dislikes about care. i found the conversation highly insightful and very reassuring. at least i know i'm on the right tracks :3 just that little boost of confidence from someone with experience helps so much, and kinda motivated more to carry on with what i'm doing. lovely day - unlike tomorrow which i fear is going to be so demanding on me both mentally and physically. i started making record of my steps on my ipod today. i did a total of 6000 steps today (excluding the walking around done at work) my day target is 10000 steps woo xD
hopefully tomorrow's steps would be slightly more considering i'll be going all over the place insha'allah... so to speak.

7 days of intensive work: another side another story

reflecting on life, work and studies

my planner is alarmingly filling up. i no longer have weekends to look forward to. if i'm not at volunteer work then i'd be at a nursing home, and if i'm not there i'd be doing work experience. on top of that, i have that lovely physio thing to sort out, which is a full time role, and J training to attend, and somehow salvage whatever is left of my time and devote it to my studies and paperwork T_T
a month a go i had nothing, alhamdu'allah for this month has been a blessing. i do however need to get past the little ticks i get from people such as with the nursing home, i need to concentrate on my life, learn and get better. no point getting pissed off from other people. i know my manager was actually trying to help me now.. i know that i have to prove myself, and i know that i need to kick myself into gear. welcome to the working life, i keep telling myself. its making me doubt whether i can manage keeping up with studies.. but at the same time i can kinda understand why people in my position gained that extra determination from this, i can now understand their frustrations and most definitely envy their perseverance. one day i hope to do the same, one day i hope to give others the inspiration to follow their dreams. insha'allah.

one offer, two offers, three... oh shi~

what to do?

today i got a reply from the physio guys about the paperwork.. but i also happen to be selected for assessment as a hca in another department. problem now is... i really wanted that hca role, but the physio role is actually quite rare. i'm stuck, i don't know whether to say yes to physio or apply for hca and hope for the best x.x

either way it would look bad... considering both roles are within the same damn hospital ahh!!

so much so much to do, it seems that all my hard work is finally catching up to me, in an invasion of all free time kind of way too.. i'm no where near the right state of settlement to begin to organise my time.

will need to think more about this in the morning :L for now, its bed tym..zZ