one door closes and two open

freedom of choice always has a compromise

I couldn't be more right! i was unsuccessful today at getting the job at london.. but the physio guy got back to me today just as i was leaving work experience and the dude had good news for me! i have been offered a job! YES YES YES! thats 2 jobs now.. a full time and a part time weighing on my shoulders and i have to choose one of them :(
both are essentially good, fruitful and have some really nice people there. the care home is like a female infested ground and the physio is just... i dunno.. it seems a little too admin-related. i need the experiences and they both seem good... agh i hate choosing! the care home ladies were amazingly flexible with me about the hours, and i could actually see myself doing the role but at the same time the physio is just one of those rare jobs.. you get to see so much.. ahh i think i should choose physio. logically i would benefit more from this.. but i really don't know any of the specifics for this job role. maybe its what i need to really start a career.. it seems so different to what i intended to do, or was hoping to do - still i've yet to experience the wrath of hospitals.. i hate choosing.. why cant i have both? :( actually maybe thats a poor decision.. maybe.. i don't know.. i need more information.

i can't decide whether i should be happy or sad about these news.. still 2 job offers are better than none and i honestly am finally glad that employers are finally taking me seriously. though, i don't want to choose between them! can't i have both? big decisions to be made and not enough time to do them. regardless i want to continue my volunteer work though i got a feeling theres nothing more that b can teach me. i've pretty much done so much background reading that when i asked b for advice she gave nothing more than what i already know. perhaps because a volunteer is not expected to act on life-threatening scenarios? most likely but still, its worth having an ally in the field, at least shes been there and has done this before.

conflicting points of interest & results

thats what i did today, totally productive

so far everything has been running smoothly, everything in my puzzle of organisation has fitted perfectly on the board, till i got an interview yesterday... which would conflict with a training date i have with a care home. dammit why?! i really really don't want to cancel it but it seems like that is the best option considering the distance i would have to travel and the extra costs that would go towards this place if i get accepted. my adviser is not going to be happy but i think that despite this set back, alhamdu'allah for all the positive news i have received.

simply working hard is never enough *takes whip out* HARDER, BETTER, STRONGER, FASTER!

my 8-paged application definitely caused an impression on one of my interviewers - though not in a good way they wanted less text and more to the point - which honestly, could not be done if i intend to address every point in the person specification! all this interview experience would come in useful, and i really really liked the london placement it was amazing! i met so many friendly and lovable characters who i would have really wanted to know more about, keep in touch with and so on... problem is, i might not get offered this placement as everyone i spoke to were incredibly dedicated and committed to the jobs. with my mere 2 month experience i am unmatchable in so many ways unfortunately.

nevertheless i also had a pleasant yet long interview within the physio placement. i felt like i could really do this job, and relate to all the things being done in the placement but at the same time the area looked slightly isolated which is not my preference, i would rather converse with a wider community and diverse body... but meh.. at least i think i did good, i'll just have to wait and see. i came out smiling from that interview - they liked my (very relevant)  anime doodles in the scenario questionnaire hehe

i got offered a place with those weird interview people which is awesome! i'm feelin the love, FINALLY! i have been looking for over 3 months! yay me :D

keep going forward - because theres no point going back when the world keeps spinning on and on

b was all weird today at volunteering - i hope she doesn't have a grudge against me.. i am slightly older than the people there and thats an advantage i suppose as i can handle more things... or maybe its my professional manner? its not the first time i had intimidated someone with my awesomeness HAH! lulz.... oh dear!

Lightning - Final Fantasy XIII-2

this is the first time that i didn't take notice of the new release of final fantasy game... which feels weird i had missed playing 11, 12, 13, 14 and i would also get to miss playing final fantasy 13-2 so yeah.. feels weird not keeping up with square enix. i'm not regretting it, as i found myself get attached to new things that are more beneficial for both myself and others. i like this new me, i can be more proud of this one :3

Care giving lulz

sounds like me talking at interviews LMAOOOO. ah i wish i could just go in one day to an interview and just base all my 'experiences' on my prestige and ranking on call of duty LOL someday.. someday i will. 

motivational yet lacking

expecting the unexpected - always.

its terrible how our society operates, always expecting so much of us & always waiting for us to take that step to failure then sit back and laugh their asses off at the struggles and false expectations. when confronted, society just takes the form of disappointment and sympathy but in reality they're just waiting for you to give up.

One less person to worry about.

what drives people to such extremes? are we not all equal? wheres the support and kindness to each other? friends are not truly friends. they all have clear motives to take you down when you least expect it. its really a vicious cycle of friends betraying other friends thus imprinting this horrible trait in humanity. who am i to be different? i have to try to be different if i want to find my peace. genuinely, if you call yourself a true friend i'd like to challenge your thought to prove that theory. theres a fine line between the true definition of friendship and it does not come from a simple attraction, common interests and merely hanging out on regular basis. society is failing because people are constantly being led into false pretences. quit the lies and deception you foolish and selfish pretenders & get on with your life!

mad world

enlarge your world, mad world

last week has been crazy. if i wasn't at work experience, it was at some interview. problem now is, i have been offered a part time job but that compromises my work experience. i really want to continue this work experience as it does not interfere with my new part time contract, but it might be a death sentence for both. i really really want to continue this work experience and not hinder my chances of getting a job :(
whats the point of the whole experience if it could end just like that?! i want to finish what i started, i want to ensure that i am doing the right thing by taking this route and i really hope that the people in charge could really see my determination :(

what happens if i fail?

i went to an open day yesterday. i have to say, there are so many people wanting this so hard i have to step back and think of whether this is really worth it. i have to revise like crazy and on top of it all, i have to ensure that i get a job asap. last week has really made me a road kill. theres so much to do that when i get home all i want is to sleep. its physically challenging for me, and i could only hope that it gets better from here. i am really skeptical of my chances as i met so many amazing role models, i almost cried yesterday on the train. what are my chances really of getting in? i have to drive myself harder, and i have to let go of my previous experiences as they are worth nothing now. nothing i did previously is sufficient, chances of me getting into this is so slim i can't bear to think of what happens if i step off the platform. its completely unpredictable and i hate that. i don't like being out of control. i have to know that i can do this. i hate myself, i have to improve & endure.

/facedesk patience

when the wheel reverses & time stands still

today i took the time to read what others in my position have done, what they did to fuel the activation energy to find their new stable force.. or work (kinetics reference). i've got such a long way to go :(
these people, they're like saints or something how on earth could anyone reach that level of awesomeness? it just makes me want to work harder just so i could fit in. its so weird, i don't know where i got this idea from, but honestly i've never felt so strongly about anything before. this is definitely what i want to do but it comes at such a harsh price, i have to find my way soon, real soon...
disclaimer: no i'm not talking about zombie slaying, anything related to terrorism or on tv! jeez louise!

i fixed my computer a while back and i never even bothered to upload this agh! here it is then:

so tired - must sleep - nites.

pretend clothes shopping & back pain

road rage victim LOL

my back... is killing me. the pain is just sufficiently there, not too painful that i can't move, and not painless so i can move. its basically there to remind me:

ohai yes i'm still here to annoy you. aww you can't walk straight? well fuck you suffer for your sins demon!

anyways i haven't been shopping for clothes in... 3 months. yeah ever since i got back from romania, i've been punishing myself. no job = no clothes. problem is, with work experience coming up, i am forced to go to shops and browse for clothes. the fact that i have to get something, and.. i have a limited budget just makes shopping no fun at all. with my back pain reaching to my shoulders today i felt so weak. having to do this shopping in a forced manner made me very uneasy to be around. this kind of stuff should be a solo mission. to add to the frustration, i want to lose the weight i put on after coming back from romania. i guess the bad news affected me in so many ways i haven't really looked at myself to examine the damage till now. better now than later right?
wrong, i have interviews and work experience coming up so now, really does need to be NOW and not tomorrow.

just looking at my planner puts me in panic theres so many things happening i have to get my stamina back and be prepared. didn't i say the worst is yet to come? well it feels like its already begun. what? 2 days later and i'm overflowing with things to do. heres just some of the things i need to sort out:
CRB forms, photocopy id stuff, order moar print cartridges, phone up FJ and tell her about my upcoming interviews, get my teeth checked out, shop for smart clothes, meet up with adviser, REVISE ffs revise :( , print out travel tickets, manually retrieve travel tickets, application forms, prepare for interviews, practice answers, background check those bastard rents, phone up that volunteer supervisor and ask about my morning work, bodyrawk, declutter work space, go to the meeting in that church o_O meh. the list is endless, as for self-development heres something close to what i have:

oh and today i got another interview <3 HA HA HA how about that? another thing to add to my list of to-do. i remain skeptical to the frequency of such things on such short notice and the likeliness of success in any of these. theres so many people out there better than me, more desperate than me, more deserving than me. alhamdu-allah for the wonderful blessings i just wish i could be more happy of all this... insha'allah.

embarrassing phone skills =_=

The best is yet to come

ok i must have done something right... today i received a phone call from the weird interview people asking me to come for a panel interview!!!! w00p w00p! regardless of how democratic that weird interview was, all i can say is alhamdu'allah. my efforts are finally paying off, at least i hope they are.
funny how i received that phone call i was in the toilet (oh yes), and my sis ran downstairs with my phone by the time she gave me the phone i tried to answer it quickly but ofcourse the ring tone was gone off for too long and i thought i missed the call. i rawr loudly in frustration at my phone as i glanced at the ticking timer indicating that the call was connected, and i hear a lady voice on the other side freaked out by my outraged rawr LOL she said 'uhm... hello?' and omg i laughed hysterically apologising as she spoke LOOOOOL oh dear lovely phone skills dania. LOOOL good thing she didn't change her mind about inviting me back for an interview hahahaa!

another time i did something like that was when i over-slept back in nottingham. i was supposed to be up at 5am but instead i got woken up by an unfortunate team leader who rang me in my sleep. apparently i screamed at her down the phone mumbling gibberish and leaving her on the line just hanging there... (i don't have any memory of actually screaming or answering the phone LOL) she couldn't stop laughing at me as i arrived late to work. she claimed she heard me rumble around the bed and adjusting my covers LOOOL

that too is true.. careful now

like with everything i do, it seems like the bad drags me down all the way through life and i only get to see glimmers of hope here and there. so i'm really skeptical of it all - happiness never lasts, to make something last you have to keep hammering that nail till it breaks.. or completely disappears. so yeah i shouldn't celebrate just yet. theres a life force of competition out there with so many people wanting what i want. even when theres a slight chance of being unique reality slaps your face back to earth. at least thats the case with me. never ever take happiness as a good thing. theres always a catch. theres always underlying decisions that will concur the outcome of your actions. it doesn't hurt to take an overall look at the situation and choose the most logical and sensible choice. though thats kinda looking a lil far so for now enjoy the feeling of interviews and prepare for the worst as it is yet to come, oh and yes it will most definitely come when you least expect it. life sucks like that. good feeling's gone. gg dania for getting on the gloom glooms and frowns out to good news.
on other news my back hurts. i accidentally did exercise today (yay?) and i think i might have over-done it..... no, actually i didn't... its just me - i'm so out of shape. i looked at myself today in the changing rooms and just thought to myself: yuck! time for a change.

baby steps

when did democracy start to dominate who gets the job? i went to the weirdest job interview today. heck - i didn't even know how they got my information or what job i've applied for... meh. turns out i was the only one there that didn't know how on earth did this care home select me. nevertheless.. i persevered.  

it was a group interview and uhh we were only asked 2 questions ¬_¬

1. introduce yourself
2. pick whoever you thought most deserved the job. you can't write your name down.

FFFFUUUUUU!!!!!

so i took the train, walked along an excessively long motorway road in smart clothes to this place and this is all i get? agh! after this weird place i went back to town to try to find recharge. where the hell is recharge? i see it every time i'm in town but today, when i really really needed to go see FJ its gone. the place just vanishes! really felt retarded, especially after asking people around who were also incredibly unhelpful. i must have looked like a wierdo stalking the church windows. darn it google maps. oh and another funny moment with my adviser - i didn't know where town hall was. he called me and was like uhm.. don't you live here? LOL FML.

I went crazy on jewellery today, i bought some really sweet necklaces from accessorize and clairs'. i'm always looking out for those clean, minimalistic yet detailed kind of jewellery and today i was in the mood for turquoise & silver.

when i got home i was exhausted. i haven't walked this much in a long time so today felt like running a marathon. i had a lovely surprise when i opened my email to find ANOTHER interview! yes yes yes!! 8 page application form paid off. i'm so happy that finally i got an interview through my application form. alhamdu'allah wa shukruh!!!! woo ~ yaaay :D

yessssssss!

just like a heart beat the drum beat carries on

nickleback - when we stand together

Hope you've had a good new year i bought nothing. literally nothing for the past month! salmon for christmas in the renovated oven was a disaster. despite cranking up the heat to full power the oven failed to provide sufficient heat to cook the salmon, therefore christmas lunch became christmas dinner. instead of taking 20 mins to cook, the salmon took 3h30mins to cook! stupid oven! we need a new kitchen :(
i've been selling junk on ebay to try to get some cash back to go for a new oven... it really sucks not having a job. speaking of which i've been applying like crazy, i have an interview (out of the blue) tomorrow but honestly i don't know what they expect of me... or what job have they decided to select me for. gg for sending me an email with just an address and a time, on short notice. wonderful stuff. well i'm desperate so i'm good with whatever stumps and trips up my doorway. if they need a person with a car i am going to rage kill then go shopping.
volunteering hasn't been as fun as i had hoped, i seem to distance myself and that cannot happen! it means i'm spending too much time by myself on a computer, becoming more antisocial? no way not this time round i want a good reference and i have to pull myself out! tomorrow i'm going to job hunt in person, pulling off my charms and making the local employers hire me. fun time :3

on saturday i ended up walking all the way back home from north maidenhead - which meant 1h30mins of walking.. not fun for my feet as both my soles (pad of foot and heel) were incredibly sore and painful when i came home - though, i enjoyed the exercise.. and it gave me time to think.
theres so much to do and with so much responsibility weighing over my head theres no time to make mistakes. i have to keep up my biotechnology knowledge, keep refreshing my memory while also doing this work experience, interviews, volunteer work and the dreaded application forms. not only this, i also have to sort out the house - thats actually an under-statement i need to raid the whole house and somehow make it live-able. its depressingly filled with clutter and well, i don't complain out loud and that drives mum crazy. she wants me to be more open about my concerns but what? who me? open? you're joking right?! such qualities are for the fool and the weak-hearted.

its me against the world