says it all

light up the sky

2 more essays done, work experience letter done, section 2 essay help notes done. 2 hours of uninterrupted revision on biochemistry next on the menu prior to marking sec 1 stuffies. lets keep going!

the hardest part

is establishing order. today has been quite a mess, a constant struggle trying to keep everyone happy...i started revising sec 1 when i got through 14 questions i just wanted to stop, it was overwhelming reading texts again and again just to get the nitty gritty little things that tell you its the right answer. so i took a break and the whole day just went! feeling guilty now :( will finish off section 1 questions and move on to review the blue acer booklet to prepare for the online study session.

on other news, i finally got my copy of the meaning of things by a c grayling. hoping that this book would be a more interesting read to complement the revision :D
i've read the intro, was cool, hoping to read 1 chapter of it a day till exam day or till book is finished..

i also got another book about how to live life..... >.> yeah i know i've been hanging around the weird books section. i'm a quarter through that book and i got to say i like how the author is so chilled in his words, its really interesting reading it. its not a book i would normally read but its equally relevant and interesting, kupo?
on another unrelated note, i completed final fantasy 13-2 fully overnight (did not interfere with revision time yesterday), and zomg the ending was amazing. there were some themes in the game that i've actually been thinking about, and would be relevant to university interviews.. even though none of my questions were answered, it was lovely seeing the past/future manifest and getting a perspective, despite being fictional, equally significant. i wish noel was real, i think we would get on really well.. *sigh* japanese video game heroes *sigh*

Hypnagogia

so i think i experienced a version of this, its mild and i dare say i want to learn to control it because its scary.
i'll briefly explain what hypnagogia means first.

the hypnagogic state is a strange phenomena that occurs at the onset of sleep. it induces visions, voices, insights and peculiar sensations as you sail through the borderland state. people are commonly used to seeing the familiar faces, landscapes or merely geometric shapes dance across the visual field at night. many would assume that it is merely the adjustment of your eyes to darkness/ low light conditions. with focus however, these complex patterns can be manipulated at will, e.g. focusing on a single shape within a pattern you may zoom in, discover more shapes, or look around the area, rotate or change the shapes, etc.

i can definitely say that i've experienced the geometric shapes previously - as i could quite give an elaborate description of it. the experience is actually quite similar to meditating and gives the brain a sense of clarity and focus away from the worries of the day. it basically helps you get to sleep.

while i was sick however, i didn't merely experience muscle pains and aches associated with the onset of the flu through the night. i experienced a sense of paralysis accompanied by strange repetitive (abstract) noises which to me sounded like blood flowing through arteries.
the scary part was that my mind was conscious, i was aware that i was asleep, or wanted to sleep because i was sick and wanted to get better. i couldn't will my fingers to move, or lift my arm, or even roll over. gravity had me pinned in place. i couldn't wake up either, or more precisely open my eyes - an effect which gave me unnecessary anxiety.

i don't think i have sleep apnea because the sleep paralysis was brief, and this sleep paralysis followed my episode of hypothermia (same night i had the flu symptoms) and it was probably brought on by my severe headache.

i didn't think much of it until it happened again 2 nights later (my flu was way into full swing by then). the second time round it was pretty much the same experience, but briefer because i knew what it was, and so i wasn't in panic.

to finally open your eyes from sleep paralysis brings relief. the moment you will your eyes open, the sensory stimulation of paralysis and noise depletes.
to stop this from giving me a scare i want to learn to control this, tackle it better.. i want to stop the paralysis from the beginning, and for some reason i think it may have something to do with the amount of oxygen reaching the brain, in addition to strengthening the muscles around the chest area. low oxygen = paralysis... if that makes sense?

so to me thats another reason to work out.. i think it would help in more than one way in my life.

organised mess

to my surprise, today i realised that i have to organise when to do practice questions - as i opened a verbal reasoning book i realised it has many many practice tests.. which cannot be crammed into a single day's revision. i had to pause and rethink my revision timetable. its difficult to decide on what you need to do for the day when you have just glanced over the book's cover annd had no idea whats inside!!!! silly mistakes..
though knowing that there is more practice in the book just makes me anxious even more. would i have enough time to go through it all?

moar essay madness

just realised, thats 3 essays done this week - 1 more left to go and we have a status quo
my VO max was complete rubbish today i feel like i'm back in the dark ages again aghh.. i hate stopping exercise - its nothing intentional but when you're sick, you're sick! what can you do that will count as exercise without the flu symptoms completely destroying your mood to work out?
i found the perfect fix to stop me wanting a nap in the late afternoon - apply foundation!!!! ehehehe
merry christmas by the way :>

sour essays about punishment

did a punishment essay today from the blue acer booklet and i have to say, it was punishing enough getting through it under timed conditions. today has been the first day where i didn't have a coughing fit/muscle pains from the flu i've suffered with for the past 2.5 weeks. it means i'm exercising tomorrow w00p w00p :D
i've spent the day organising all the documents collected from my hca job into a neat and organised folder. it should make things easier for me to use when i need to revise what i've learned in time for job interviews.. meh.. didn't realise how much strain came with getting organised! anyways, at least i've started the revision process, i need to continue building up the load, and clearing out what i don't need from my room. its been a good day today :)

deal

so today i did practice essays, and i've finally went through a day where my sickness finally feels like its fading away. this means one thing, and one thing only: exercise tomorrow :D

blue booklet section 1

did the test again today following last week's crap attempt and got 28 out of 35 - slowly getting there. so about reading material.. where does one read to improve section 1 score?

piano black

i never took much notice of how messy my room is, until the weekend creeps around the corner. one of my ticks is a messy room, today i woke up early in the morning and agitation took over as i stumbled around the messy floor. so much paper, folders, wires. clutter was screaming at me >.<
i took the morning to go through what i needed and returned my floor to its white, clear nature. time to chill with a good book & think more about gamsat :)
also, today marks the first day of FREEDOM from the mundane work of healthcare assistance. w00p w00p!

Affiliation

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reloading

lacking inspiration to post as i have not began the revision for the march exam. i am well aware that 3 months have passed since the september exam took place, and 1 month since results for the september exam came out. it does indeed make me feel like i have neglected myself. today marks the last day of work as a healthcare assistant (21/12/12). i have opted for full time revision. this decision doesn't come easy as i know how hard it is to stay on track by myself, so i'm going to make regular entries every single day (beginning this weekend). i'm hoping that i could improve other things too, like me getting fitter so i can have more energy for revision. hopefully the two would complement each other, and i would start to see some results. i can't imagine doing a healthcare assistant job without a good mark under my wings, it has to happen this march.

down with sickness

yesterday morning i had developed a sore throat. i thought, no big deal, i still have my voice, and headed off to work. for the whole day we were really busy, so much so, that i didn't realise how tired i was till i got home. i crashed on my bed, and i slept for 8 hours straight. i awoke to take some pain killers for my headache and throat relieving lozenges. though, after i got back to bed i simply couldn't get sleep. i think i had unpredictable episodes of feeling hot and cold, my frontal lobe felt like it was going to explode, my muscles were too weak to move and my sore throat simply did not keep my sleep peaceful. i found the strength to get up at 3am after having a terrible hypothermia episode, i  literally had jittering teeth! i stripped off the bedding and slept next to the radiator. i called work and let them know that i was in no position to come to work today. its only after 6am that i got my peaceful slumber, lasting till 4pm. i awoke to take more medication and it was back to bed.
its 9pm now and i've been awake since 7pm. honestly i have never felt this weak in my entire life. it doesn't feel like i have a cold/flu, i just feel weak everywhere. my sore throat is still there despite taking medication, though my headache is thankfully gone. i have slightly more energy though i have not left my bed for more than 30mins. i tried to have a shower earlier but could not find the strength to stand long enough in the bathroom to make it happen. i feel terrible. i hate being sick, agh! :(

lack of care

i was working with these healthcare assistants today that just seem to want to get things done. they treat the patients like a lifeless, emotionless vessel with no regard of 'care' and it just made me want to badmouth them there and then. i know that if i was in a hospital i would not want to be looked after by any of them because their care skills are simply terrible. it just made me wonder, why do people go into care work if they don't commit? care work can be enjoyed so much more if you treat patients with respect, if only they could see what they are doing.. thats all i want.

moment lulz

HCA *finishes pad change and within 2 seconds leaves the patient, still curtains drawn, leaves us both astonished (and creeped) at her speed*

me: so Chris, would you like anything to drink?
Chris: well.. do we have anything with a kick?
me: would you like some water? theres a glass of water on your table
Chris: i'm spoilt for choice

*me getting the point 5 seconds later, realising how daft offering choice was in this situation*

----

*I come to remove used bedpan from under patient, bed was wet*
me: ah oops it looks like we've missed the bedpan
cherry: sorry..
me: uhm- its really not your fault..
cherry frowns: never thought i'd be in this situation, sober.

*me trying to stay professional*
me: its no problem, its actually quite common don't worry!
me: if you roll over to your right, i can...

*cherry rolls over. i start to condense the wet sheet, realising at how wet the mattress was, i begin to dry the mattress frantically*
cherry: i didn't catch that
me: damage control.
cherry chuckles

---

more to come :)

first night shift duty

Today I had my first night shift in the hospital. it all started out quite nerve racking initially, and soon things began to calm down, and patients began to go to sleep. its really quite different at night compared to the normal duties in the day hours.
first of all, theres few of us around roaming the hospital, in my ward there was 2 healthcare assistants, 2 nurses and an oncall foundation doctor who seems to always disappear off into and out of the ward. the ground rules for healthcare assistants are: no music, no loud talking/gossiping, there is always something there to be done, turn patients at 10pm, 2am and 6am. pad change at 10pm and 6am. check the hourly catheters, ensure paperwork is completed and the sluice room, commodes and bed pans are clean & tidy. you then move on to update the kitchen boards, and be available for when you are needed in the event of a new admission, ensure patients are comfortable and answer call bells promptly. in the final hour prepare breakfast and ask patients what they want. following this, assist patients with breakfast.
simple enough the night shift goes as quick as any shift. make sure to get some sleep or stay up the night before so you do end up sleeping in the day ready for your night shift. the sleepy feeling should only kick in at 5am, but should be tolerable till 7.30 when your shift ends.
for nurses, its first stats checks at 9pm, followed by drug rounds at 10pm. following this and pad changes, its lights out for patients, and documentations are written out. duty boards get updated, kardex and Realtime updates are done. any patient requesting extra pain relief medications are flexible dependent on whats been prescribed and the allowed dosage. this should continue, when a new admission is received its handover, followed by admission papers and risk assessments are implemented. social history as well as the medical history is taken, swabs for MRSA are done, stats checks, admission packs given and so on... you're also expected to help your healthcare assistants >.>
for my first night shift i feel like i have coped quite well. following the scheme of things, it was not as bad as i had previously anticipated, though the healthcare assistant i was working with had a disregard to patient care.. she simply wanted to get things done on time, did not take much regard for how the patients felt to be handled at the early hours of the night/waking up at 2am to be repositioned and with so much going on around it was almost impossible for the patients to get sleep. it might have felt like a quiet night, but being in a hospital there is always something going on. 

past regrets and future concerns

its not easy - deciding to leave your current job, not being certain about what you will do after this. wondering whether it was the right decision, and wondering how it may affect you in the future. then again its like always looking at your past and regrets. whether you are looking for the past or the uncertain future, you will surely be doing nothing but being a sitting duck. its not easy not to worry, not to repeat old mistakes, or to take a leap of faith, but it has to happen for change to happen.

results & job quitting

so after results week i decided that its time to quit, and so i did. in fact, i did so the following day! time doesn't come easy, and i'm working on it. revision has to happen, and it has to be done properly this time round. no more stupid delays or excuses. doing the hca job has done nothing but turn my heart to stone. i am doing a mindless job, and it has to stop before i lose my mind!

the spread & jam

the simplest of the things we can do for our patients. the problem is, being a healthcare assistant in an ortho ward with a granny who likes nothing on the menu but spread and jam on bread is deeply concerning. the menu is supposed to be designed to offer choice. this poor lady only wants fish and chips - instead, she is always getting jam and spread.
yesterday i had my very first long shift. i didn't plan to do a whole day but then again if i was to survive in this hell hole i do have to take a few hits for my own sake as well as others. perhaps if i did this, someone along the way will return the favour.
anyway, i think i did over 20 spread and jams yesterday over the course from 7am till 9pm. if only i could learn something from all this.. if only.

magical fantastical yet lacking

spending 60% of your time at work can sometimes have a huge impact on your family life. essentially you are spending more time at work than seeing your loved ones - lets face it when you get home, you barely have time left in the day and all you want to do is head to bed.
consequently, working as a healthcare assistant can sometime be a drag. when everyone is enjoying their weekend, you're the one that has to be off to work either really early in the morning or abruptly destroying your lunchtime at home to get to work on time. either way, your weekend is ruined!!
when you finally have the time off, everyone else would be at work, you get bored, and quite simply, quality time with family just simply isn't possible.
this makes me wonder, how happy am i at work? people at work would be classed as your second family because you are predominantly spending more time there. if the relationships at work are not up to scratch, make the effort to make your time worthwhile. otherwise, it just shows that you are unhappy where you are, take a chance and change. if a job is not satisfactory then begin applying elsewhere. you don't have to stay and endure the hardships and politics at work. after all, its not healthy to be in a bad relationship - any shrink would tell you this!

part of your world

I thought that by becoming a healthcare assistant i would get this amazing insight into how the ward functioned. reality is different. today consisted of a considerable amount of washes in the morning, followed by wiping away diarrhea while trying to mobilise a patient. if it was up to me, i would have taken the patient there using a commode, but the new nurse decided against it. nevertheless, damage control was our objective. this was then followed by a major and elaborate bed movements. i was so tired by the end of my shift. healthcare assistance is not a glorified role, you are on the front line and it requires great resilience to get through shift after shift. of course, this wouldn't be a problem for someone who just wants to hurt their back at work, but for the majority of us, it means always assessing the best course of action to take. its important to work smart, because if you don't you could be wiping away diarrhea all day. 

compelled to quit

It feels futile the efforts and dedication given to the things that matter the most when it comes to the outcome and it seems so bleak and significantly disappointing. you feel as though your priorities change. you no longer wish to do the job you were contractually obliged to do, but instead look inside to realise that your efforts all this time were disregarded, wasted. you realise that in order to gain something you must lose another. today i was faced with this decision, and the first thought cropped into my head was to quit this dead end job. quit the misery and the suffering. quit the anxiety and the depression. quit the longing to kill yoursellf everytime you hear that patient calling 'nurse' every few minutes. thinking more thoroughly i identified that indeed, i am not happy where i am in life. i am working at a role that is below my potential and indeed it may be a stepping stone, it feels as though i am not learning anything. i feel that the experience gained does not outweigh my desire to quit this job. and so, i am now faced with a harsh and real decision: shall i quit this job and concentrate on other things?
i feel tourmented between yes and no. i feel like a caged bird in this job, yet if i am to set myself free i fear for things to go south. i have already witnessed how not having a job affected someone dear to me, two people in fact. though i know that something like that will never happen to me. i am simply stronger and i have my initiative. i am however stuck. i cant choose whether to quit, just 2 months into the role, or stay and see if things do get better... i doubt they would get better. in fact, i know they won't get better. with that said i feel that the answer should be obvious. i should simply take a leap of faith, and quit.

student nurses

so i had a student nurse helping me out today and giggles just couldn't stop. maybe it was the ridiculous amount of washes we accomplished or how patients just lit up today, even the sleepy ones. it was really nice to see the ward in an upbeat atmosphere for a change :)

3-6 hours a day of revision is blasphemy! :O

so doc was saying that you need at least 3-6 hours a day of revision (and 6 hours of revision definitely on your day off) and i freaked. how on earth are we expected to get this amount of revision a day sorted? today i'm clearing out my megaz0r computer, substituting it with an ultrabook. that guys, is because this laptop has no graphics card, which means no games/movies to distract me. i've also created a revision timetable which this time round i intend to stick to because i can't ever get 3 - 6 hours of revision done in a day, so the only way to do it is to keep things fresh in my mind through accumulative forms be it listening to myself reading a book, or actually reading/practicing parts relevant for gamsat. meh.. it all sounds glamorous now just wait till march x.x ehh will keep a log of my knowledge base here over the course of the year. 

How can we be right?

so yesterday i was faced with a prominent issue at work, our ward was invaded with post operation patients from the surgical ward. problem is, we've never had training on how to deal with these type of patients (us HCAs). everyone was so different! 2 patients came from EMT (ears, mouth & throat ward), 1 from  plastics, 1 from cardio and the remainder were abdo-pains/ gastroenterology. we had to change the boards 3 times in my shift because of ortho patients no longer were able to stay on the wards because of this influx. so predominantly i was making beds.
to tackle the problem with these new patients i had to keep asking for help because unlike ortho patients, these guys obviously were more in pain, required more nursing needs rather than what is required in the HCA job description.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Quoted by Albert Einstein

Truth be said, I actually agree with this. To think that for one day in our lives we could go without the use of technology is unfathomable! Struggle we would, as we won't be able to check our emails, toast our toast, never mind getting to work in under 10 minutes! Technology has intertwined with our lives that we no longer really think about how much we are better off. Take the latter example above, in poorly developing countries, once a child reaches adolescence, they are expected to take responsibility for their family, and work. Whether be it fetching water from a 10 mile walk across a dangerous land, or going into sulphur toxic factories.. they will not get the same privileges we do with our technologically advanced houses with warm and clean waters. Or the luxuries of travelling by car - yet in a way we all feel somewhat imprisoned. It seems that we're not happy with what we have. We are always seeking ways to improve our lifestyles. Perhaps the side effects of having technology has blinded us from what's really important.

I was speaking to an elderly last week about how technology has become so prominent and essential in our life, and she opened her wardrobe for me. She showed me a dress which is still in its immaculate condition. She had this dress for over 30 years. She then showed me her comb, she had that for as long as she could remember! It really made me think, we rely so much on technology and we're always looking to buy more. Somewhere along the road, we all became completely reliant on technology, so much so that we feel anxiety and depression if we cannot check our emails. The feeling of missing out on vital requisites drive us mad!
I know that I previously worshipped my megaz0r pc, since I built it completely by hand, its like an extension of my limbs to improve my art, to improve my connectivity to the digital world. Surely enough, it played an essential part in my studies and took a significant chunk from my free time, just being on the internet. I feel somewhat cheated, I signed myself up to an endless abyss where time was the fuel, and no significant changes were taking place. Its only when you look at the bigger picture that you realise that with all the technology around, you should be careful to pick only what you know you will need, not what you want - just because its new and amazing. Everything has its time and I'm glad that I have realised the significance of technologies, and became more sensitive to the destruction it also brings into our lifestyles. We are all slaves to technologies we have created, and every so often we should detach ourselves from these intoxicating and addictive mediums.

new job (and minion blog) and revision

mini notice: new blog where i discuss everything healthcare assistant related, here: http://***.blogspot.co.uk/ deleted, sorry for any inconvenience

so gamsat was a chore, and well i'm not expecting a fabulous score as i was very much drowning with work. during my absence (from here) i've been playing world of warcraft (post-exam). its my way to chill after exams, take a pc game and grind my characters and complete the game 100%.
of course though now that november is here, world of warcraft stops, and attention goes back to revision. i didnt actually think i would enjoy this game much honestly.. but its very less social than flyff which really makes it terrible! enough brain matter destruction so bring on the wonderful joys of revision :D

bed-bound patients & muscle atrophy

it really hurts seeing people bed bound. one popped hip or fracture due to a hospital fall and there you go, a week in bed at least for recovery!
on top of it all, you'll be admitted into a place with so many other terminally ill patients you become to think in a similar way to them. its only when someone educated comes along and gives you a reality slap.
you lose 2% muscle mass for every single day you stay bed-bound without activity. it makes sense that you'll start to get weaker and weaker. even the young would feel these effects, if not a little less than the old.
research suggests that muscle loss or 'atrophy' begins within 4 hours of bed rest!
if you're a healthcare professional please please educate your patients! get them to carry out bed exercises, get them to roll around the bed independently, get your patients to do repeated movements and sit them up really well in their beds/chairs. put some music on, start dancing, change the atmosphere in your ward. these people are here not to die, their recovery needs to be enhanced with motivation. emotional labour only goes so much, get to know your patients and treat them as individuals.
its infuriating being a healthcare assistant, especially dealing with incompetence on the wards.

We are the change

Today we had a complex patient with dementia and an unstable blood sugar level. The first thought cropped into my head was 'mismanagement'. Despite the efforts to restore the blood sugar levels to normal, obviously the nurse had no idea of how to handle a patient like this. I felt challenged today that despite my best efforts to bring the patient into perspective, nothing was registering. Curious case, and for the first time, in all my time here, I feel motivated to be a healthcare assistant. Maybe there is hope after all..

dark side of the moon

yes i'm talking about butts and the associated pressure sores you get from staying in bed. patients need to realise how much damage bed pans do to their bottoms - honestly! if i ask a patient to get out of bed to sit on a commode - its for their own good - only babies are allowed to poop in their beds because honestly.. if you can get out of bed, why would you choose a bed pan?!
it won't make life any easier for us HCAs we still need to fetch the equipment, we still need to strap on gloves, and we still need to manoeuvre you (the patient) around the bed. so get out if you can, because thats really the only way you'll get better. 

poor morale

reasons for poor morale within a ward:

1. working early in the morning
2. no control/sense of order in shift patterns
3. getting talked down/patronised by night staff/early staff
4. nurses scrawl and disappear for a good 30mins off the ward without telling anyone where they have gone
5. having done a good shift, and the staff taking over slash out at you for not completing everything
6. getting asked to fill in charts when you honestly have no idea what the patient had
7. not getting a handover
8. promises made by the matron not fulfilled
9. when staff members such as doctors or physiotherapists blank a friendly greeting
10. needy patient greedy patient attention seeking patient
11. cleaning shit/getting faecal matter over your uniform
12. the uniform colour -.-
13. nurses telling you to 'communicate better' when the obvious is so obviously evident just by looking at the patients or from the distressed tone in your voice calling the nurse for help a while back
14. repetition of work, inability to work with other members of staff such as doctors and therapists
15. answering the dreaded phone calls D: is that just me?
16. no weekly in-service training, being excluded from training sessions
17. excluded from MDT meetings
18. measuring urine output every hour
19. when you have to 'get out' from patient bed-side because doctors want to finish their morning round
20. getting told off by other HCAs for not leaving patient bedside when doctors come to check on patients >.> please explain to me why we have to do this because no-one could justify why we need to do this.
21. matron being extra upbeat and demanding the same attitude from you
22. matron demanding you to be more than 'fine'or 'ok' or 'doing well'
23. asking the matron to escalate an issue and having her laugh in your face
24. matron lying between her teeth
25. asking other staff members about an issue and finding that its been prominent for a good 2 years...
26. the sense of helplessness in other healthcare assistants
27. back-biting taking place at the end of every shift
28. when you end up with a lazy nurse / uncompliant member of staff on your shift
29. when doctors use the 'doctor's voice' on you  =_=;

enough gore for now, hope i didn't ruin anybody's day with this list.

if you have more reasons post in comments if you may.

lazy nurses and their wisdom

i think we can all agree that doing what we do, we do it because we value life and want to help others get better in the process. this kind of thing gives value to your life, its like your way of doing good in this world.
problem is, when you do kindness it often doesn't get recognised. yet, when you make a mistake, its all hell-fire on your ass.
i had a lazy nurse telling me i have good qualities. i asked her to elaborate and she merely said that

people want to work with you

it really makes me question - so if she knows this, why does she try so hard to make it impossible to work with her? *sigh* nurses!

3 out of 4 nurses would not recommend nursing as a career path

so i tried to blog this in my break at the hospital and it went so terribly wrong! phone would not cooperate!
one of the main reasons i have applied for healthcare assistance was to find out whether nursing is a suitable career path for me to pursue. unfortunately current nurses and trainee nurses have given me their opinions, and they haven't been very positive. in fact, 3 out of 4 staff nurses admit that they have made a terrible career choice to do nursing, and would prefer other professions given the choice. there were various reasons for their choices and i can completely understand where they are coming from. considering the busy environment  of the ward i currently work in, even me as a healthcare assistant i feel swamped (perhaps even more considering that i'm also a newbie to healthcare assistance).

Entering the Healthcare Assistant role

two weeks ago i began a new chapter as a healthcare assistant. despite my incredibly low expectations of the job, i never expected what has happened so far. i am cheerful, friendly and i get on with everyone. reasons which i thought were enough to work as a healthcare assistant (HCA) however i feel that i have been wrong.

disclaimer: entries in this blog are for the sole purpose of reflecting on work, they are my personal view and do not represent any healthcare company or organisation. my views may change - it comes with the job, there are some good days and some bad days. please don't take everything quite literal, and don't use any of my content without an informed consent/explicit permission from me. 

Keith Campbell

just read my email to find keith's name mentioned. i'm deeply saddened to read about his death. he was a wonderful supervisor and mentor with so much knowledge and wisdom to share. he will be greatly missed. i remember when i first found out he was my supervisor - i was so excited and to this day i remain privileged to have met such an inspiring character.
news like this really make me reflect on how precious life really is. he inspired me to follow my instincts. he was very supportive about my decisions after university and i'm grateful for all his guidance throughout my time in Nottingham.

because this doesn't happen

feeling the tension... less than a week left, must cram things in x.x
i hate how acer decided to have the exam  in the furthest possible place out of anywhere in london. great for people coming through the airport, crap for the rest of us living in the 'south east' who have to make a journey of at least 1 hour and 40minutes just to get to an exam centre ¬¬ just because the olympics were there acer please don't think that everyone is able to make that journey to be on time at 8 in the morning when you've got to cross london's rush hour and school traffic. sincerely, everyone sitting the exam. as if we don't have enough to worry about.. *sigh*

thought of the day: why didn't i choose medicine back when i was at school?

a post to keep on track

I wish i could say i've been revising. i wish i could tell you about all the wonders i've learned over the past weeks. i wish i could say that life has been good to me.. in reality the past weeks have been chaos. mainly, its my fault, and i'll be the first to admit it. i chose to work full time, i chose to volunteer for both the olympics and paralympics... things need to come together, but like water, you can't grip hold of time. with so much on the line.. i need to feel prepared.. and however hard i try to get organised, my energy is wasted elsewhere. be it work, or volunteering, or daily chores.. i feel limited. i barely sleep, and i feel like crap every single day.
i haven't told a soul at work or any of my friends about my intentions to do medicine. i almost did, but the person i spoke to really showed her true colours and reinforced my original decision to keep it a secret. i don't want to be treated differently, just equally as other members of staff.
i attended a physics online seminar with the doc today, and spent the rest of the day going through essay technique, had a nap earlier, and here i am now. i want to complete reading about part a of essays today and squeeze in some practice. i really need it! heres to wishful thinking:

insha'allah

EID MUBARAK

happy eid al fitr :) time to celebrate with MECHANICS and vectors and displacements and magnitude problems! yay me.... insha'allah all our prays will be heard and hope all our hard work and efforts be repaid with 95th percentiles xD its nice to dream.. happy eid everyone :3

tear drops into the fire

being 24 just seems to make me even more outraged, i have to get into medicine. today i was complemented by one of the physio assistants, telling me that i would make a wonderful nurse, and me without even thinking snapped back at him "i don't want to be a nurse!"
pressure is getting to me, and i have to somehow maintain my cool. i can't be lost in my own little world of frustrations. its great that i'm working and all.. but what is it worth if i cannot pass gamsat? i have to pass this damn test! emo biology revision today.

tasks a&b are never fun

can one truly ever be free from responsibility? doubt it.. though today i found that the collective minds of determination has helped greatly. i've done my first essays for gamsat:
i hate their poor quality but at least i tried! and did them under timed conditions yay :D

have a read, please give me some feedback, i would really appreciate it

bleh yeah

hardcore physical chemistry revision today :L

Blue flame

Completely shattered today - the olympic village was more full than usual and i took the first hour and a half of my shift to get through the pesky exponentials and log scales revised. i'm glad i had that out of the way because by the late afternoon the whole area was littered with athletes!
considering that i'm fasting, i had not slept last night properly and got up pretty early in the morning, after the study time i had, i was pretty much yearning for my pillow. it didn't get better as the day progressed, i got more and more silent and zombified from the dehydration and lack of energy. i better get some rest.. days like this i really wish i was fitter.. my time will come; patience, insha'allah.

Bad Apple dance

will film myself doing the bad apple dance after getting accepted into medicine insha'allah xD touhou ftw hehe it looks so cool and just like gamsat, another challenge - well, a fun challenge. I don't really dance.. so this would be interesting LOL

will emo revise after this and check back with ya all tomorrow.

Online session

today i had my first ever online session where i met two wonderful gamsat study buddies jess and fong. it was really lovely meeting others revising for this dreaded exam, and with the sample questions we went through theres so much more i've got to cover to stand a chance in this exam. smart guessing can only take me so far, i need to get practising! it was a huge motivational boost doing the sample questions together, i need to do more theres only 7 weeks left!!!