summer

exam today, didn't have enough time to finish it, and just like the obsessive little me, papers were collected, and there i was on my way home still answering the questions i got in the test in my head, remembering errors i had made, and what else that i had forgotten to add. this is ridiculous the exam was 3 hours long and i only managed to scrape 2 out of 4 questions and not even in detail, if i get 20% for those questions it would be a miracle. sucks to be me. so i had a lil nap just to bring me back to life as when i got home i was in zombie mode, woke up and there i was still going - exam in my head aghh!!! the dread of not performing as well as i hoped this year is killing me. its like i need to punish myself but trying really hard to avoid coming to those terms. none of the exams i've had this year were on the ok zone, all were super hard and i'm just kidding myself thinking that i could take this career path. who am i to change the world? who am i to rid of cancer? (ok thats over the top but i do have a few ideas i would like to test...) :L

all i can do is pray, that this year i would graduate and finally be free to figure things out. i hate not having money, not being independent - i had grown so accustomed to my place here at nottingham, moving back home is going to be away from my comfort zone - theres such an amazing feeling having your own place, do your own thing, no distractions, etc. here i can stay up as late as i need to and get things done, at home i can't have my music loud, i can't spend hours playing games, working on my graphics or just concentrating on studying for a whole day straight!
yes.. nottingham... i'm gonna miss this place and all the perks it brought.

Shi~ to be done today! D:

omfg the workload aaah! is it so crazy that i'm finishing university in just few weeks? i feel like i could just about taste my independence but somehow its gonna be limited :/ i'm multi-talented by nature and i'm into so many things like web and craphic design in addition to my passion for biology and research and i want to do so many things including having a PROPER 2 WEEKS OF HOLIDAY i have yearned for so long! - seriously i have never taken any days off work just for myself! its always for revision, its always for fulfilling my educational needs aghh! nevertheless, one problem remains: MONEY! am i going to stay working at Sainsburys? everyone is telling me that with my degree i shouldn't be working there, however finding a job with just an honours degree isn't really going to be sparkly and bring me more cash and joy than my current job. on the other hand, if i did go into something else i'd get a better perspective on how the science jobs are like - and thats always a good thing, yes? the problem remains though, how do you score a job in research without at least a master's degree? =_=;

maybe i should go back to freelance work? maybe.. the artist alliance would finally make a good investment? so many ideas to shoot off.. ehh regardless i shouldn't be thinking about this now, tym for breakfast and revision :3

regarding the previous post

its a case of procrastination. the symptoms of the disorder are ALL there! misery, slight chance of depression, anxiety, feeling of worthlessness, like i can't achieve my goals, dreaming about the future.. aghh they are all there!

i have spent the last 4 days trying to figure out how i'm going to stop this, and i failed miserably. first i endulged into food, and reinstalled black ops and killed zombies like crazy, and i also failed to 'fully' clean my room - and keep a track record of my revision. schedules aren't going to help me. i have an exam on friday and i just can't waste any more time on the internets, so this is me declaring war on the internets. no computer for me for the next week (only to blog/booth/charge ipod because they're quick things to do) so yeah i'm not happy with the progress i'm making.. how am i gonna graduate this year *frown* :/

Such a disappointment

so earlier this year i had all these wonderful ideas, the feeling of uncertainty and the fact that my life was going to be so much better, so much more than it has been throughout my time at university. little did i know at how much of a u-turn it took for the dive. i had references ready, i had my cv nice and polished and i was going to go places. then came november-january and the rejections stacked up. i didnt know how i would handle rejection, and unfortunately i took it on like an amateur, like a noob. the plan i had didnt work out the way i had intended. instead i became obsessed with getting/fulfilling the objectives i had in life that i didnt care about deadlines, i just had to get things done to the highest of my ability. i thought that would buy me happiness, if i could work so hard that i could prove to myself that i could still be great, or at least look back and say yes, this is my work and i am proud of it. unfortunately being the person with such high aspirations, and the fact that all my work brought nothing but disappointment this year has been sour. happiness is temporary that can't be earned, it has to come naturally. if you're not happy go back to your roots, figure out what makes you happy. the course i am doing, i have great passion for, however there is not enough time to grasp and appreciate the knowledge, ask the important questions and figure things out for the future. when life isnt in my control i just want to curl up and let the storm pass. but honestly i can't i've got a tough fight ahead, and so theres no time to spare. my past can't really support me for whenever i had opened up to people i ended up disappointing them, in so many ways. sucks to be me.

give me back what i deserve

story of my life. fails. it seems like all thats been happening this year has been fails. one after another like theres this thing on my back making sure that i fail at everything, miss every chance i get and simply cast a dark cloud over my head. i'm not paranoid but i can't help but think that there is something out there that is purposely doing all this! i'm not just talking about university. i'm talking about friends, sickness flooding home, the bitchy housemates i ended up with, the things that happen at work, and the depressing deadlines at university, the 'slowga' casted on me and the recent exam fails. i'm lucky that i'm even still alive and to be honest the only thing that has kept me going is myself. without this tough shell i put on every day every hour every second, i'd break down and cry. i have so many regrets, so many things i wish i could have done differently, so many things i aspire to do but knowing i'll never ever be the person that i'd like to be someday. its terrible. it didn't start with rejections, it didn't begin with a mistake. i used to think i'm special and now i'm starting to realise how specially unfortunate i am to even exist. this year has not been easy. if this year was a test, surely i have failed miserably and i fear for whats yet to come... its unbearable that i am the way that i am, and i try to be different, i put the effort but somehow its always either too late, or never enough. i'll never be good enough, i'll never have the life that i want. i'll always struggle and this year is far from over i still have graduation... if there is going to be a graduation. by the looks of things, i shouldn't have any high hopes, for there is none. life will always crash down on me and leave me picking up whats left of a broken image, an image of the person i want to be, of the person that i used to be, of the person that i could never be.