Revelation into how people become impressionable and grumpy.

I woke up this morning with a sour feeling in my stomach and answers to questions I have been asking myself about people's attitudes for so many years. Without experience I suppose it's really hard to grasp or understand how people turn out the way they are, but with a little insight.. You can see through a keyhole why people are the way they are.

Why are my neighbours always copying us?! 

Believe it or not,  people who have lost their way,  or have not found their purpose are very impressionable. When they find a figure who seems to have an initiative or has their life put together, they become like a shining beacon of hope and aspiration. 

Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there that don't have a reason for existence and that makes them incredibly anxious and prone to being influenced by other people.  Such is life. 

Why are people so grumpy? What made them this way? 

People turn sour when they are no longer happy with what they have. Perhaps they didn't get the most out of their job or education that for whatever reason.. Nothing makes things better for them. These people used to be hopeful, they used to be some of the nicest people you would ever meet.. However over time,  a wall is built between hope and expectation. 

Depression has a huge factor on how people live their lives, and it can be so harmful and contagious in the workplace. Ask yourself if you are happy where you are, if you are surrounded by people who inspire you to be better, to have a purpose in life greater than just existing to provide for the family.. If there are gaps in your life, try to think of ways to steal your life around, and make it better for yourself and others. 

Ok ranting is over. 

Time to get sucked in

Easing back to revision has been a roller-coaster ride. It's great on some days, terrible on others. Working full time, and doing the YouTube thing is exhausting enough.
nonetheless, if you want something to happen, you have to put in the hours.. and the work to achieve it.

So far away

It has been a while. So much has happened since my last post. Started a chilled youtube channel (check the video above) and have been distant from the books for over a month. Friends from Australia had began preparation for interviews, pondering over which universities to go for, and asking questions about their next step. I feel as though I've made no progress.. On top of it all, Scribblar had changed their policies and now expects their users to pay to use rooms. Something which should remain free for all. Absolutely appalled by this!!!

i need to see change

frustrations kicking in, everytime i figure something out, another problem crops up, stripping away the confidence. i need to start seeing progress, i need to see change!!!
section 1 and 3 half test done, awaiting discussion over at scribblar. more biology done this week.. there is so much more material left to cover, i feel really annoyed with myself.

chillstep for revision

is it too early? i've resorted to places like plug.dj to update my music list and i've come across some amazing music to help me keep focused. to put it simply, the genre is called chillstep.
much much has been happening this week, bio revision, bio questions, essays, finished off orange booklet, started reading a new book about philosophy, gone through the physics questions.. aah too much done, though i still feel its not enough >.<

GI unit prep

did absolutely no revision today, as i have a job interview tomorrow for a technician assistant post in the GI unit. first impressions from reading about endoscopy: yeah great stuff but what else is there? it seems too constricted and like a fast pace get the patient in, spray their throat, stick a probe down their throat, take pretty pictures, take samples and done, kick them out the door the moment they feel ok to stand on their feet >_>
this made me have second thoughts about the post. my roles predominantly would mean that i would be stuck in the washroom, all by myself, washing endoscopes all day with hazardous chemicals that could (and would ultimately) give me dermatitis.
considering that i want to do medicine, would it be worth the risk?  my ego insta-answer self tells me no, but my brain is really split between the "suck it up, you've done far worse in your life" and the other telling me "fuck that shit, go revise. pass that gamsat, you're not THAT desperate".
either way, job interview tomorrow so fingers crossed x.x; 

paradigm shift

today i was actually disappointed to find a job interview offer in my mail box, DISAPPOINTED! last year i would have been dancing around my room.. what the hell is wrong with me?!

astaghfur allah al'atheem...

I should look at this more positively.
at least its not a healthcare assistant job per se.. agh they are all the same are they not? cleaning poop/wee from an unfortunate soul stuck in the hospital because they happen to be sick? *sighhh..*
moar biochemistry done today along with sec 1 material. i really need to improve my sec 1, its complete ridicule compared to august last year. marked some of it.. i think i may have been half asleep answering some of the questions. i can't make silly little mistakes like this in the actual exam. 

moar essay madness

just realised, thats 3 essays done this week - 1 more left to go and we have a status quo
my VO max was complete rubbish today i feel like i'm back in the dark ages again aghh.. i hate stopping exercise - its nothing intentional but when you're sick, you're sick! what can you do that will count as exercise without the flu symptoms completely destroying your mood to work out?
i found the perfect fix to stop me wanting a nap in the late afternoon - apply foundation!!!! ehehehe
merry christmas by the way :>

results & job quitting

so after results week i decided that its time to quit, and so i did. in fact, i did so the following day! time doesn't come easy, and i'm working on it. revision has to happen, and it has to be done properly this time round. no more stupid delays or excuses. doing the hca job has done nothing but turn my heart to stone. i am doing a mindless job, and it has to stop before i lose my mind!

because this doesn't happen

feeling the tension... less than a week left, must cram things in x.x
i hate how acer decided to have the exam  in the furthest possible place out of anywhere in london. great for people coming through the airport, crap for the rest of us living in the 'south east' who have to make a journey of at least 1 hour and 40minutes just to get to an exam centre ¬¬ just because the olympics were there acer please don't think that everyone is able to make that journey to be on time at 8 in the morning when you've got to cross london's rush hour and school traffic. sincerely, everyone sitting the exam. as if we don't have enough to worry about.. *sigh*

thought of the day: why didn't i choose medicine back when i was at school?

a post to keep on track

I wish i could say i've been revising. i wish i could tell you about all the wonders i've learned over the past weeks. i wish i could say that life has been good to me.. in reality the past weeks have been chaos. mainly, its my fault, and i'll be the first to admit it. i chose to work full time, i chose to volunteer for both the olympics and paralympics... things need to come together, but like water, you can't grip hold of time. with so much on the line.. i need to feel prepared.. and however hard i try to get organised, my energy is wasted elsewhere. be it work, or volunteering, or daily chores.. i feel limited. i barely sleep, and i feel like crap every single day.
i haven't told a soul at work or any of my friends about my intentions to do medicine. i almost did, but the person i spoke to really showed her true colours and reinforced my original decision to keep it a secret. i don't want to be treated differently, just equally as other members of staff.
i attended a physics online seminar with the doc today, and spent the rest of the day going through essay technique, had a nap earlier, and here i am now. i want to complete reading about part a of essays today and squeeze in some practice. i really need it! heres to wishful thinking:

insha'allah

Blue flame

Completely shattered today - the olympic village was more full than usual and i took the first hour and a half of my shift to get through the pesky exponentials and log scales revised. i'm glad i had that out of the way because by the late afternoon the whole area was littered with athletes!
considering that i'm fasting, i had not slept last night properly and got up pretty early in the morning, after the study time i had, i was pretty much yearning for my pillow. it didn't get better as the day progressed, i got more and more silent and zombified from the dehydration and lack of energy. i better get some rest.. days like this i really wish i was fitter.. my time will come; patience, insha'allah.

the strokes - reptilia

so i looked at my effort this week and it looks like i'm slacking. dammit brain don't start procrastinating already :(
biochemistry is really killing me.. i honestly thought it was going to be one of the easy topics bleh i couldn't be more wrong - thats 2 weeks spent on this lame subject. nothing feels like it has stuck in eek! hope i'll have some time to revisit the stuff in biochemistry.. its all enzyme names, a damn long cascade of chain reactions (with weird and confusing names!!!!) and CO2's flying around destroying/elongating molecules supposedly responsible for the energy release and storage and conversion and eghhh.. you get the point.

this fire

can i complain? i hope i can.. this place is a gamsat log, and so i have something to moan about - sorry in advance! so with my situation at the moment, i'm working 2 jobs, that means i work 7 days a week, each day i work 8 hours + 2 hours of travel (each day) + 1 hour for dinner = 10 hours already gone from my 24 hours. i take 8 hours on average for sleep, this leaves me with 6 hours left. lets say i spend 3 hours a day revising.. where on earth does the other 3 hours go?! ok so 1 hour to get ready for work or 2 hours to wash & get ready for work.. what on earth am i doing for those extra few hours?! when i count them up like this it sounds like i'm using my time productively right? it really doesn't feel like it :/
revision timetable has been just about ok & manageable, but i can't seem to fit any practice questions/essays time in the revision slots. this is really frustrating me. it takes 2 hours to do a paper (section 1 practice) and at least an extra 2 hours going through the answers.. or at least theoretically that is dependent on how much time i could spend looking at explanation for answers.
i've got to do something, it feels like i can barely have any time to revise.. i need to do some practice questions too >.< i don't feel like i'm putting enough time into this, and its all crucial really.. i can't fail this time round, i just can't.

Here it comes

down with the sickness, sniff cough sneeze all at the same time *multi-tasking*

my room should really get quarantined because my cold has turned into a deadly flu :( this week has been really crappy. flu = no work, so what do i do, waste my time on homeworld cataclysm damn i love old games like this! i'm too sick to play the piano and too tired to go out anywhere. is it just me or does flu medicine knock you out? it says non-drowsy but ... maybe its not working!!
updated design to blog, i've added a new header and tinkered with the background. i wanted to keep original template bg colour and just attach an image instead, i actually really like the old template - so for now the background image is just like a coating i suppose. minor changes.. i've yet to really edit the html script properly.. i just don't feel like it! takes time and high amounts of concentration to get it sorted.. bleh it 'looks' error-less so i won't complain.
bored now, i set a cataclysm game on hard and the cpu kicked my ass within 5 minutes flat. hyperspacing whores!!! my fleet stood no chance xD

phoned my boss today - my voice sounded so dead in the morning i barely had to say anything to convince him i'm sick to the bone - it hurts to laugh.. it really does. 

inconsistent yet provocative

stone sour

day 2 has been a complete inconsistent, some people think they can get away with things while others believe that they could be ever so responsible that allow me to do nothing. everything that happens would inevitably come down to the fact that i have not had my induction, or uniform, or training to allow me to carry out my role.
nevertheless things will fall into place eventually and i should really draw my concern away from work issues to more prevalent and important aspects of my life that would inevitably affect my future. i have to tread carefully and concentrate on whats really important, everything else will be ignored. inner peace really has its down falls, you have to pick your battles carefully, and kindness has to be out of everything you do, doesn't matter who you're dealing with, everyone is human and so deserves to be treated equally, no matter how much of a dumb ass you think they are. important thing is that you're there and you can make a difference in someone else's life, be it hell, or for the better.
speaking of concentrating on important bits - i need to get back to exercising regularly. for the sake of my sanity and others'! today i found myself bored to death with conversations about 'cute pets'. despicable time-wasting and empty conversations about nothing. whats worse, its between middle-aged women... common there has to be more interesting things to talk about. hey how about the NHS strike? will you be striking your foot in your boss's mouth and calling it a bank holiday? oh its on the 10th of May - have fun. please save me from this place and these people :/

deus ex machina

spread your wings

today has been very weird.. i've tried to define the events that took place and i haven't been able to really understand this place yet. it all feels empty, meaningless and quite literally a chore. i had information overload with navigation, terms, acronyms, understanding the basics, etc. one important question: what does the job entail is yet to be answered i don't feel like i've established this core and important question. everything seems off and disorganised... the aspects of work are all to new and i still don't really understand what my job here really is. what? am i supposed to somehow come up with a meaning to all this? certainly my first day has done no good.
i felt very claustrophobic today in the staff room. so many people sitting so close to each other, in a narrow L-shaped room really made me want to leave as soon as possible. i don't think that i'm quite ready for this.. i don't like being trapped and today thats what it felt like.
a hospital environment isn't as good as i thought.. well i honestly didn't have any high expectations but still, i wanted this and now i have to work hard to get accustomed to this new environment. everyone was friendly, then again, everyone would be on your first day. standard protocol.

the 'perfect' time

so true...

it doesn't have to be perfect, but its time well spent. following the whole gazillion things i've been doing over the past months i found this week really event-less.. i actually miss keeping my mind busy and preoccupied with interview preparation, going to work every morning and simply enjoying the amount of walking i achieve every single day.
i bought myself some work clothes this week, tried them on and moaned at the figure staring at me in the mirror. typical.
i've also been hibernating for longer periods of time in bed. that needs to change with next week's schedule so close.. dania has to get organised. i need to hire a tutor or somehow come up with a working method of refreshing my memory. its not like i'm not reading (looks at lil sister) i've just been reluctant to do anything significant.. maybe its because of the injury, or maybe its because of my poor attempt at the assignment, ehh. i need to work on that and make the change i've been so desperate for :(
i can't say i'm looking forward to work, i think it will just be another typical 'caring' environment but still, i have to get organised. i only have a few weeks left to improve.. and i have to get better, theres no other way around this huge time-consuming hurdle... lucky me, moar shit to sort through.

waiting for the string to break

how do you teach an old cat new tricks?

suspense. its there, the long wait for what you know is going to happen. the time you know when all things fall apart, fall into chaos, fall into pieces. time stands still yet somehow still moving. the force that drives the order is crumbling right under your fingertips and knowing this, fumes you with anger, with rage. you were so much better back then, and you ask yourself: where did it all go wrong?
perhaps you knew it was all going to turn out this way, perhaps you wanted to see for yourself, perhaps you thought you were stronger than you really are. you now feel heavy, weak and powerless, unable to react strong enough or fast enough, to make a change, and escape. you crave for a glimmer of happiness, but the darkness, the guilt will always haunt you; like a shadow or a scar, it will never leave you. its too late to panic, its too late to be hopeful, things simply did not go the way you planned. emptiness, hurt and self pity fill your heart. you're not only angry at the world, you're also angry with yourself. nothing matters any more, nothing will ever fill the void you've created. nothing will fix your past.

I just watched Gray's Anatomy and it really got me thinking, I've been so stupid - i hadn't been thinking properly back in my younger years... i had no one to guide me at all, sure i'm amazing at art but where did it get me? i've wasted so much time... so much effort on meaningless pieces that i can simply shred to pieces! why on earth did i bother with art? what good did it do to me? i feel like it has destroyed my future. i'm torn between art and science, and i shouldn't be! and with that, i have developed so much hate for how things have turned out. knowing what i know now, i want to make a change to someone else's life, my little sister. it hurts knowing that no one was there for me to do the same, but i have to be the sword, i have to break this vicious cycle and be it if i get hated in return, in the end i know i've done what i can to change her future. i don't want her to turn out the way i did. i don't want her to struggle like i did, i don't want her to go through all the things i did and will be doing. i have to be that change for her sake, for her happiness in the end.

work =1/potential energy change

how long must one wait?

Last week has been really all about recovering from my injury. I managed to send out emails, sort out the bathroom upstairs (single handedly) and.. uhh i can't remember. from internet statistics, 37% of inline skate injuries are wrist injuries, and 87% of the trauma felt/fractions prevented are due to protective wrist guards. thank god i'm in that majority, alhamdu'allah it wasn't anything more severe. i had x-rays done today and as it turns out, i haven't fractured anything (yay) though i still have the pain.. i can't lift anything heavier than 2 glasses of coke... which is an improvement from last week but still, i can barely flex my wrist to carry out... normal stuff like lifting my bag from the car, dressing myself without the "ouch ouch ouch"... strapping on a bra (or taking one off) is the worst. ever. pain. aghh...

ouch ouch ouch! bad wrist = difficulty doing this ^

i applied to another job today, out of curiosity.. gosh why can't i just get a damn healthcare assistant job?! i'll be happy once i get one, until then, i feel like i'm always peeking behind me, frequently! i feel like its all wrong if i don't get a hca job grrr why is this so hard?! heal wrist, heal damn you! you're making me cranky and very negative to be around!! :L