says it all

light up the sky

2 more essays done, work experience letter done, section 2 essay help notes done. 2 hours of uninterrupted revision on biochemistry next on the menu prior to marking sec 1 stuffies. lets keep going!

the hardest part

is establishing order. today has been quite a mess, a constant struggle trying to keep everyone happy...i started revising sec 1 when i got through 14 questions i just wanted to stop, it was overwhelming reading texts again and again just to get the nitty gritty little things that tell you its the right answer. so i took a break and the whole day just went! feeling guilty now :( will finish off section 1 questions and move on to review the blue acer booklet to prepare for the online study session.

on other news, i finally got my copy of the meaning of things by a c grayling. hoping that this book would be a more interesting read to complement the revision :D
i've read the intro, was cool, hoping to read 1 chapter of it a day till exam day or till book is finished..

i also got another book about how to live life..... >.> yeah i know i've been hanging around the weird books section. i'm a quarter through that book and i got to say i like how the author is so chilled in his words, its really interesting reading it. its not a book i would normally read but its equally relevant and interesting, kupo?
on another unrelated note, i completed final fantasy 13-2 fully overnight (did not interfere with revision time yesterday), and zomg the ending was amazing. there were some themes in the game that i've actually been thinking about, and would be relevant to university interviews.. even though none of my questions were answered, it was lovely seeing the past/future manifest and getting a perspective, despite being fictional, equally significant. i wish noel was real, i think we would get on really well.. *sigh* japanese video game heroes *sigh*

Hypnagogia

so i think i experienced a version of this, its mild and i dare say i want to learn to control it because its scary.
i'll briefly explain what hypnagogia means first.

the hypnagogic state is a strange phenomena that occurs at the onset of sleep. it induces visions, voices, insights and peculiar sensations as you sail through the borderland state. people are commonly used to seeing the familiar faces, landscapes or merely geometric shapes dance across the visual field at night. many would assume that it is merely the adjustment of your eyes to darkness/ low light conditions. with focus however, these complex patterns can be manipulated at will, e.g. focusing on a single shape within a pattern you may zoom in, discover more shapes, or look around the area, rotate or change the shapes, etc.

i can definitely say that i've experienced the geometric shapes previously - as i could quite give an elaborate description of it. the experience is actually quite similar to meditating and gives the brain a sense of clarity and focus away from the worries of the day. it basically helps you get to sleep.

while i was sick however, i didn't merely experience muscle pains and aches associated with the onset of the flu through the night. i experienced a sense of paralysis accompanied by strange repetitive (abstract) noises which to me sounded like blood flowing through arteries.
the scary part was that my mind was conscious, i was aware that i was asleep, or wanted to sleep because i was sick and wanted to get better. i couldn't will my fingers to move, or lift my arm, or even roll over. gravity had me pinned in place. i couldn't wake up either, or more precisely open my eyes - an effect which gave me unnecessary anxiety.

i don't think i have sleep apnea because the sleep paralysis was brief, and this sleep paralysis followed my episode of hypothermia (same night i had the flu symptoms) and it was probably brought on by my severe headache.

i didn't think much of it until it happened again 2 nights later (my flu was way into full swing by then). the second time round it was pretty much the same experience, but briefer because i knew what it was, and so i wasn't in panic.

to finally open your eyes from sleep paralysis brings relief. the moment you will your eyes open, the sensory stimulation of paralysis and noise depletes.
to stop this from giving me a scare i want to learn to control this, tackle it better.. i want to stop the paralysis from the beginning, and for some reason i think it may have something to do with the amount of oxygen reaching the brain, in addition to strengthening the muscles around the chest area. low oxygen = paralysis... if that makes sense?

so to me thats another reason to work out.. i think it would help in more than one way in my life.

organised mess

to my surprise, today i realised that i have to organise when to do practice questions - as i opened a verbal reasoning book i realised it has many many practice tests.. which cannot be crammed into a single day's revision. i had to pause and rethink my revision timetable. its difficult to decide on what you need to do for the day when you have just glanced over the book's cover annd had no idea whats inside!!!! silly mistakes..
though knowing that there is more practice in the book just makes me anxious even more. would i have enough time to go through it all?

moar essay madness

just realised, thats 3 essays done this week - 1 more left to go and we have a status quo
my VO max was complete rubbish today i feel like i'm back in the dark ages again aghh.. i hate stopping exercise - its nothing intentional but when you're sick, you're sick! what can you do that will count as exercise without the flu symptoms completely destroying your mood to work out?
i found the perfect fix to stop me wanting a nap in the late afternoon - apply foundation!!!! ehehehe
merry christmas by the way :>

sour essays about punishment

did a punishment essay today from the blue acer booklet and i have to say, it was punishing enough getting through it under timed conditions. today has been the first day where i didn't have a coughing fit/muscle pains from the flu i've suffered with for the past 2.5 weeks. it means i'm exercising tomorrow w00p w00p :D
i've spent the day organising all the documents collected from my hca job into a neat and organised folder. it should make things easier for me to use when i need to revise what i've learned in time for job interviews.. meh.. didn't realise how much strain came with getting organised! anyways, at least i've started the revision process, i need to continue building up the load, and clearing out what i don't need from my room. its been a good day today :)

deal

so today i did practice essays, and i've finally went through a day where my sickness finally feels like its fading away. this means one thing, and one thing only: exercise tomorrow :D

blue booklet section 1

did the test again today following last week's crap attempt and got 28 out of 35 - slowly getting there. so about reading material.. where does one read to improve section 1 score?

piano black

i never took much notice of how messy my room is, until the weekend creeps around the corner. one of my ticks is a messy room, today i woke up early in the morning and agitation took over as i stumbled around the messy floor. so much paper, folders, wires. clutter was screaming at me >.<
i took the morning to go through what i needed and returned my floor to its white, clear nature. time to chill with a good book & think more about gamsat :)
also, today marks the first day of FREEDOM from the mundane work of healthcare assistance. w00p w00p!

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reloading

lacking inspiration to post as i have not began the revision for the march exam. i am well aware that 3 months have passed since the september exam took place, and 1 month since results for the september exam came out. it does indeed make me feel like i have neglected myself. today marks the last day of work as a healthcare assistant (21/12/12). i have opted for full time revision. this decision doesn't come easy as i know how hard it is to stay on track by myself, so i'm going to make regular entries every single day (beginning this weekend). i'm hoping that i could improve other things too, like me getting fitter so i can have more energy for revision. hopefully the two would complement each other, and i would start to see some results. i can't imagine doing a healthcare assistant job without a good mark under my wings, it has to happen this march.

down with sickness

yesterday morning i had developed a sore throat. i thought, no big deal, i still have my voice, and headed off to work. for the whole day we were really busy, so much so, that i didn't realise how tired i was till i got home. i crashed on my bed, and i slept for 8 hours straight. i awoke to take some pain killers for my headache and throat relieving lozenges. though, after i got back to bed i simply couldn't get sleep. i think i had unpredictable episodes of feeling hot and cold, my frontal lobe felt like it was going to explode, my muscles were too weak to move and my sore throat simply did not keep my sleep peaceful. i found the strength to get up at 3am after having a terrible hypothermia episode, i  literally had jittering teeth! i stripped off the bedding and slept next to the radiator. i called work and let them know that i was in no position to come to work today. its only after 6am that i got my peaceful slumber, lasting till 4pm. i awoke to take more medication and it was back to bed.
its 9pm now and i've been awake since 7pm. honestly i have never felt this weak in my entire life. it doesn't feel like i have a cold/flu, i just feel weak everywhere. my sore throat is still there despite taking medication, though my headache is thankfully gone. i have slightly more energy though i have not left my bed for more than 30mins. i tried to have a shower earlier but could not find the strength to stand long enough in the bathroom to make it happen. i feel terrible. i hate being sick, agh! :(

lack of care

i was working with these healthcare assistants today that just seem to want to get things done. they treat the patients like a lifeless, emotionless vessel with no regard of 'care' and it just made me want to badmouth them there and then. i know that if i was in a hospital i would not want to be looked after by any of them because their care skills are simply terrible. it just made me wonder, why do people go into care work if they don't commit? care work can be enjoyed so much more if you treat patients with respect, if only they could see what they are doing.. thats all i want.

moment lulz

HCA *finishes pad change and within 2 seconds leaves the patient, still curtains drawn, leaves us both astonished (and creeped) at her speed*

me: so Chris, would you like anything to drink?
Chris: well.. do we have anything with a kick?
me: would you like some water? theres a glass of water on your table
Chris: i'm spoilt for choice

*me getting the point 5 seconds later, realising how daft offering choice was in this situation*

----

*I come to remove used bedpan from under patient, bed was wet*
me: ah oops it looks like we've missed the bedpan
cherry: sorry..
me: uhm- its really not your fault..
cherry frowns: never thought i'd be in this situation, sober.

*me trying to stay professional*
me: its no problem, its actually quite common don't worry!
me: if you roll over to your right, i can...

*cherry rolls over. i start to condense the wet sheet, realising at how wet the mattress was, i begin to dry the mattress frantically*
cherry: i didn't catch that
me: damage control.
cherry chuckles

---

more to come :)

first night shift duty

Today I had my first night shift in the hospital. it all started out quite nerve racking initially, and soon things began to calm down, and patients began to go to sleep. its really quite different at night compared to the normal duties in the day hours.
first of all, theres few of us around roaming the hospital, in my ward there was 2 healthcare assistants, 2 nurses and an oncall foundation doctor who seems to always disappear off into and out of the ward. the ground rules for healthcare assistants are: no music, no loud talking/gossiping, there is always something there to be done, turn patients at 10pm, 2am and 6am. pad change at 10pm and 6am. check the hourly catheters, ensure paperwork is completed and the sluice room, commodes and bed pans are clean & tidy. you then move on to update the kitchen boards, and be available for when you are needed in the event of a new admission, ensure patients are comfortable and answer call bells promptly. in the final hour prepare breakfast and ask patients what they want. following this, assist patients with breakfast.
simple enough the night shift goes as quick as any shift. make sure to get some sleep or stay up the night before so you do end up sleeping in the day ready for your night shift. the sleepy feeling should only kick in at 5am, but should be tolerable till 7.30 when your shift ends.
for nurses, its first stats checks at 9pm, followed by drug rounds at 10pm. following this and pad changes, its lights out for patients, and documentations are written out. duty boards get updated, kardex and Realtime updates are done. any patient requesting extra pain relief medications are flexible dependent on whats been prescribed and the allowed dosage. this should continue, when a new admission is received its handover, followed by admission papers and risk assessments are implemented. social history as well as the medical history is taken, swabs for MRSA are done, stats checks, admission packs given and so on... you're also expected to help your healthcare assistants >.>
for my first night shift i feel like i have coped quite well. following the scheme of things, it was not as bad as i had previously anticipated, though the healthcare assistant i was working with had a disregard to patient care.. she simply wanted to get things done on time, did not take much regard for how the patients felt to be handled at the early hours of the night/waking up at 2am to be repositioned and with so much going on around it was almost impossible for the patients to get sleep. it might have felt like a quiet night, but being in a hospital there is always something going on. 

past regrets and future concerns

its not easy - deciding to leave your current job, not being certain about what you will do after this. wondering whether it was the right decision, and wondering how it may affect you in the future. then again its like always looking at your past and regrets. whether you are looking for the past or the uncertain future, you will surely be doing nothing but being a sitting duck. its not easy not to worry, not to repeat old mistakes, or to take a leap of faith, but it has to happen for change to happen.

results & job quitting

so after results week i decided that its time to quit, and so i did. in fact, i did so the following day! time doesn't come easy, and i'm working on it. revision has to happen, and it has to be done properly this time round. no more stupid delays or excuses. doing the hca job has done nothing but turn my heart to stone. i am doing a mindless job, and it has to stop before i lose my mind!

the spread & jam

the simplest of the things we can do for our patients. the problem is, being a healthcare assistant in an ortho ward with a granny who likes nothing on the menu but spread and jam on bread is deeply concerning. the menu is supposed to be designed to offer choice. this poor lady only wants fish and chips - instead, she is always getting jam and spread.
yesterday i had my very first long shift. i didn't plan to do a whole day but then again if i was to survive in this hell hole i do have to take a few hits for my own sake as well as others. perhaps if i did this, someone along the way will return the favour.
anyway, i think i did over 20 spread and jams yesterday over the course from 7am till 9pm. if only i could learn something from all this.. if only.