all those things

today has been weird mid-day i thought i had caught the MRSA bug running around my ward earlier this week and so i completely isolated myself from the whole house now i just think it might be a false alarm - though i have to say my stomach still doesn't feel very comfortable... eh who knew catching this would be so easy even when i've been so careful? then again maybe not? i guess its best to wait and see o_o

i've found that i have these over-expectations i keep of myself - reality slap kinda helped today.. it feels so much serious and stressful this time round. its good, it means i care enough about what i want to achieve.. maybe thats why i've had loose bowls today? am i really that stressed?

Here it comes

down with the sickness, sniff cough sneeze all at the same time *multi-tasking*

my room should really get quarantined because my cold has turned into a deadly flu :( this week has been really crappy. flu = no work, so what do i do, waste my time on homeworld cataclysm damn i love old games like this! i'm too sick to play the piano and too tired to go out anywhere. is it just me or does flu medicine knock you out? it says non-drowsy but ... maybe its not working!!
updated design to blog, i've added a new header and tinkered with the background. i wanted to keep original template bg colour and just attach an image instead, i actually really like the old template - so for now the background image is just like a coating i suppose. minor changes.. i've yet to really edit the html script properly.. i just don't feel like it! takes time and high amounts of concentration to get it sorted.. bleh it 'looks' error-less so i won't complain.
bored now, i set a cataclysm game on hard and the cpu kicked my ass within 5 minutes flat. hyperspacing whores!!! my fleet stood no chance xD

phoned my boss today - my voice sounded so dead in the morning i barely had to say anything to convince him i'm sick to the bone - it hurts to laugh.. it really does. 

inconsistent yet provocative

stone sour

day 2 has been a complete inconsistent, some people think they can get away with things while others believe that they could be ever so responsible that allow me to do nothing. everything that happens would inevitably come down to the fact that i have not had my induction, or uniform, or training to allow me to carry out my role.
nevertheless things will fall into place eventually and i should really draw my concern away from work issues to more prevalent and important aspects of my life that would inevitably affect my future. i have to tread carefully and concentrate on whats really important, everything else will be ignored. inner peace really has its down falls, you have to pick your battles carefully, and kindness has to be out of everything you do, doesn't matter who you're dealing with, everyone is human and so deserves to be treated equally, no matter how much of a dumb ass you think they are. important thing is that you're there and you can make a difference in someone else's life, be it hell, or for the better.
speaking of concentrating on important bits - i need to get back to exercising regularly. for the sake of my sanity and others'! today i found myself bored to death with conversations about 'cute pets'. despicable time-wasting and empty conversations about nothing. whats worse, its between middle-aged women... common there has to be more interesting things to talk about. hey how about the NHS strike? will you be striking your foot in your boss's mouth and calling it a bank holiday? oh its on the 10th of May - have fun. please save me from this place and these people :/

deus ex machina

spread your wings

today has been very weird.. i've tried to define the events that took place and i haven't been able to really understand this place yet. it all feels empty, meaningless and quite literally a chore. i had information overload with navigation, terms, acronyms, understanding the basics, etc. one important question: what does the job entail is yet to be answered i don't feel like i've established this core and important question. everything seems off and disorganised... the aspects of work are all to new and i still don't really understand what my job here really is. what? am i supposed to somehow come up with a meaning to all this? certainly my first day has done no good.
i felt very claustrophobic today in the staff room. so many people sitting so close to each other, in a narrow L-shaped room really made me want to leave as soon as possible. i don't think that i'm quite ready for this.. i don't like being trapped and today thats what it felt like.
a hospital environment isn't as good as i thought.. well i honestly didn't have any high expectations but still, i wanted this and now i have to work hard to get accustomed to this new environment. everyone was friendly, then again, everyone would be on your first day. standard protocol.

the 'perfect' time

so true...

it doesn't have to be perfect, but its time well spent. following the whole gazillion things i've been doing over the past months i found this week really event-less.. i actually miss keeping my mind busy and preoccupied with interview preparation, going to work every morning and simply enjoying the amount of walking i achieve every single day.
i bought myself some work clothes this week, tried them on and moaned at the figure staring at me in the mirror. typical.
i've also been hibernating for longer periods of time in bed. that needs to change with next week's schedule so close.. dania has to get organised. i need to hire a tutor or somehow come up with a working method of refreshing my memory. its not like i'm not reading (looks at lil sister) i've just been reluctant to do anything significant.. maybe its because of the injury, or maybe its because of my poor attempt at the assignment, ehh. i need to work on that and make the change i've been so desperate for :(
i can't say i'm looking forward to work, i think it will just be another typical 'caring' environment but still, i have to get organised. i only have a few weeks left to improve.. and i have to get better, theres no other way around this huge time-consuming hurdle... lucky me, moar shit to sort through.

waiting for the string to break

how do you teach an old cat new tricks?

suspense. its there, the long wait for what you know is going to happen. the time you know when all things fall apart, fall into chaos, fall into pieces. time stands still yet somehow still moving. the force that drives the order is crumbling right under your fingertips and knowing this, fumes you with anger, with rage. you were so much better back then, and you ask yourself: where did it all go wrong?
perhaps you knew it was all going to turn out this way, perhaps you wanted to see for yourself, perhaps you thought you were stronger than you really are. you now feel heavy, weak and powerless, unable to react strong enough or fast enough, to make a change, and escape. you crave for a glimmer of happiness, but the darkness, the guilt will always haunt you; like a shadow or a scar, it will never leave you. its too late to panic, its too late to be hopeful, things simply did not go the way you planned. emptiness, hurt and self pity fill your heart. you're not only angry at the world, you're also angry with yourself. nothing matters any more, nothing will ever fill the void you've created. nothing will fix your past.

I just watched Gray's Anatomy and it really got me thinking, I've been so stupid - i hadn't been thinking properly back in my younger years... i had no one to guide me at all, sure i'm amazing at art but where did it get me? i've wasted so much time... so much effort on meaningless pieces that i can simply shred to pieces! why on earth did i bother with art? what good did it do to me? i feel like it has destroyed my future. i'm torn between art and science, and i shouldn't be! and with that, i have developed so much hate for how things have turned out. knowing what i know now, i want to make a change to someone else's life, my little sister. it hurts knowing that no one was there for me to do the same, but i have to be the sword, i have to break this vicious cycle and be it if i get hated in return, in the end i know i've done what i can to change her future. i don't want her to turn out the way i did. i don't want her to struggle like i did, i don't want her to go through all the things i did and will be doing. i have to be that change for her sake, for her happiness in the end.

work =1/potential energy change

how long must one wait?

Last week has been really all about recovering from my injury. I managed to send out emails, sort out the bathroom upstairs (single handedly) and.. uhh i can't remember. from internet statistics, 37% of inline skate injuries are wrist injuries, and 87% of the trauma felt/fractions prevented are due to protective wrist guards. thank god i'm in that majority, alhamdu'allah it wasn't anything more severe. i had x-rays done today and as it turns out, i haven't fractured anything (yay) though i still have the pain.. i can't lift anything heavier than 2 glasses of coke... which is an improvement from last week but still, i can barely flex my wrist to carry out... normal stuff like lifting my bag from the car, dressing myself without the "ouch ouch ouch"... strapping on a bra (or taking one off) is the worst. ever. pain. aghh...

ouch ouch ouch! bad wrist = difficulty doing this ^

i applied to another job today, out of curiosity.. gosh why can't i just get a damn healthcare assistant job?! i'll be happy once i get one, until then, i feel like i'm always peeking behind me, frequently! i feel like its all wrong if i don't get a hca job grrr why is this so hard?! heal wrist, heal damn you! you're making me cranky and very negative to be around!! :L

bone cracking

ehh everything cracks... feet, knees, back, top neck, arm, shoulders, hands, elbows, lower back, hips... aghh whats going on?! i couldn't sleep last night at all.. all i could think about was today. how am i supposed to handle today. if only i had so much enthusiasm as i have for... well everything else i wouldn't be in this situation. CRACK CRACK CRACK

astaghfur allah alatheem. 

like i said a while back... nothing comes easy with me. nothing at all. i have to do with what i've got and live. my essay today was... ehh not my best work.. i was all hyper on pro+ that my knees couldn't stop moving - i was shaking like i was on crack or something.. ehh caffeine moment. i over-dosed LOL?

so i had an interview yesterday... so many questions asked today were all related to university work. i kept thinking to myself WOO PEPTIDES!  but one thing though, what the hell is partial hydrolysis?! and suponification?! ehh that really threw me off i was thinking soap-making process... maybe? ummm maybe? concave lenses and partial pressure, ideal gas and henry's law... yeah i need to brush on my knowledge :/ the stuff i got asked were not anywhere in my comfort zone. i mean common wheres all the physio-related stuff? oh and the heart questions kicked my ass. i used common sense but wtf.. doing physiology at uni did not really help ¬¬

kudos for making my day insanely intimidating. i'm still having the interview in my head way after what happened. i'm just glad i'm still... alive. this has to be one of the hardest things i've done this year.. i just hope they didn't torture me... just to reject me :(

Old habits die hard

my focus for the past 2 weeks has been in shambles. who ever said you can do it overnight is a damn liar. how on earth can one expect to finish at all? nothing seems to have gone the way i had planned, of course nothing ever does! what am i supposed to do now? roll over and die? no way - i'm in this for the long run. i have to do my best and i have to keep my faith. i can do this. i know i can. 

i let the worst get the best of me, and i can't ever do that again. never again. i could feel my insides crying out in rage - my head immensely hurting, my muscles aching, my stomach burning, my breath all shallow and my poor tired self just unable to take on all this weight. can i really handle all this? i can't doubt myself. i have to have faith - i can't rely on life to become better, i have to somehow find the strength to fight through this obstacle. i cry as i type this for i know i am so much better than this. despite my state of mind and body, i have to face my fears, embrace whats yet to come and improve. this cannot happen again. this state of old habit has to die. there is no other way.

one fugly week

only one thing i could say to really describe my week: shit. majority of the time i was shadowing i was thinking what the fuck?! i was lost and my incompetence really frikin showed. i hate being new, i like adapting quickly, i listen attentively to make sure i learn but when the teaching is rushed or lacking its not my fault. i tried i really really tried! i was so pissed off on sunday, i couldn't even look at the girl i was shadowing. now for the rest of the week i don't have to think about it. agh its frustrating being new. i don't like being bossed around, i don't like it when things are not explained, and i really don't like it when i get ill-treated. the blasted woman didn't even want me in the room as she wrote the daily notes, sending me to photocopy crap aghh!!! that really pissed me off, i was there to learn how to do my job not be pestered out of the room while she gabs on behind my back about how terrible i am aghh die die die!
sucks being me right now, not only did i have a crap weekend, but also my schedule for study has been completely thrown off-course. every time i try to organise my time something crops up, something always crops up. like today i left work exp. early so i can catch my adviser before the centre closes, and i miss the damn train. whats the point of trying? i ended up so damn late that the centre had closed for the day completely. damn public transport!!! tomorrow it would be too late, fuck this shit.
i don't know how the hell am i supposed to get to the hospital and back now, if i do go, where the hell am i going to be? how the hell am i supposed to get there?! i'm setting up myself for disappointment, i just know it :( aghhhh!!

one offer, two offers, three... oh shi~

what to do?

today i got a reply from the physio guys about the paperwork.. but i also happen to be selected for assessment as a hca in another department. problem now is... i really wanted that hca role, but the physio role is actually quite rare. i'm stuck, i don't know whether to say yes to physio or apply for hca and hope for the best x.x

either way it would look bad... considering both roles are within the same damn hospital ahh!!

so much so much to do, it seems that all my hard work is finally catching up to me, in an invasion of all free time kind of way too.. i'm no where near the right state of settlement to begin to organise my time.

will need to think more about this in the morning :L for now, its bed tym..zZ

mad world

enlarge your world, mad world

last week has been crazy. if i wasn't at work experience, it was at some interview. problem now is, i have been offered a part time job but that compromises my work experience. i really want to continue this work experience as it does not interfere with my new part time contract, but it might be a death sentence for both. i really really want to continue this work experience and not hinder my chances of getting a job :(
whats the point of the whole experience if it could end just like that?! i want to finish what i started, i want to ensure that i am doing the right thing by taking this route and i really hope that the people in charge could really see my determination :(

what happens if i fail?

i went to an open day yesterday. i have to say, there are so many people wanting this so hard i have to step back and think of whether this is really worth it. i have to revise like crazy and on top of it all, i have to ensure that i get a job asap. last week has really made me a road kill. theres so much to do that when i get home all i want is to sleep. its physically challenging for me, and i could only hope that it gets better from here. i am really skeptical of my chances as i met so many amazing role models, i almost cried yesterday on the train. what are my chances really of getting in? i have to drive myself harder, and i have to let go of my previous experiences as they are worth nothing now. nothing i did previously is sufficient, chances of me getting into this is so slim i can't bear to think of what happens if i step off the platform. its completely unpredictable and i hate that. i don't like being out of control. i have to know that i can do this. i hate myself, i have to improve & endure.

pretend clothes shopping & back pain

road rage victim LOL

my back... is killing me. the pain is just sufficiently there, not too painful that i can't move, and not painless so i can move. its basically there to remind me:

ohai yes i'm still here to annoy you. aww you can't walk straight? well fuck you suffer for your sins demon!

anyways i haven't been shopping for clothes in... 3 months. yeah ever since i got back from romania, i've been punishing myself. no job = no clothes. problem is, with work experience coming up, i am forced to go to shops and browse for clothes. the fact that i have to get something, and.. i have a limited budget just makes shopping no fun at all. with my back pain reaching to my shoulders today i felt so weak. having to do this shopping in a forced manner made me very uneasy to be around. this kind of stuff should be a solo mission. to add to the frustration, i want to lose the weight i put on after coming back from romania. i guess the bad news affected me in so many ways i haven't really looked at myself to examine the damage till now. better now than later right?
wrong, i have interviews and work experience coming up so now, really does need to be NOW and not tomorrow.

just looking at my planner puts me in panic theres so many things happening i have to get my stamina back and be prepared. didn't i say the worst is yet to come? well it feels like its already begun. what? 2 days later and i'm overflowing with things to do. heres just some of the things i need to sort out:
CRB forms, photocopy id stuff, order moar print cartridges, phone up FJ and tell her about my upcoming interviews, get my teeth checked out, shop for smart clothes, meet up with adviser, REVISE ffs revise :( , print out travel tickets, manually retrieve travel tickets, application forms, prepare for interviews, practice answers, background check those bastard rents, phone up that volunteer supervisor and ask about my morning work, bodyrawk, declutter work space, go to the meeting in that church o_O meh. the list is endless, as for self-development heres something close to what i have:

oh and today i got another interview <3 HA HA HA how about that? another thing to add to my list of to-do. i remain skeptical to the frequency of such things on such short notice and the likeliness of success in any of these. theres so many people out there better than me, more desperate than me, more deserving than me. alhamdu-allah for the wonderful blessings i just wish i could be more happy of all this... insha'allah.

embarrassing phone skills =_=

The best is yet to come

ok i must have done something right... today i received a phone call from the weird interview people asking me to come for a panel interview!!!! w00p w00p! regardless of how democratic that weird interview was, all i can say is alhamdu'allah. my efforts are finally paying off, at least i hope they are.
funny how i received that phone call i was in the toilet (oh yes), and my sis ran downstairs with my phone by the time she gave me the phone i tried to answer it quickly but ofcourse the ring tone was gone off for too long and i thought i missed the call. i rawr loudly in frustration at my phone as i glanced at the ticking timer indicating that the call was connected, and i hear a lady voice on the other side freaked out by my outraged rawr LOL she said 'uhm... hello?' and omg i laughed hysterically apologising as she spoke LOOOOOL oh dear lovely phone skills dania. LOOOL good thing she didn't change her mind about inviting me back for an interview hahahaa!

another time i did something like that was when i over-slept back in nottingham. i was supposed to be up at 5am but instead i got woken up by an unfortunate team leader who rang me in my sleep. apparently i screamed at her down the phone mumbling gibberish and leaving her on the line just hanging there... (i don't have any memory of actually screaming or answering the phone LOL) she couldn't stop laughing at me as i arrived late to work. she claimed she heard me rumble around the bed and adjusting my covers LOOOL

that too is true.. careful now

like with everything i do, it seems like the bad drags me down all the way through life and i only get to see glimmers of hope here and there. so i'm really skeptical of it all - happiness never lasts, to make something last you have to keep hammering that nail till it breaks.. or completely disappears. so yeah i shouldn't celebrate just yet. theres a life force of competition out there with so many people wanting what i want. even when theres a slight chance of being unique reality slaps your face back to earth. at least thats the case with me. never ever take happiness as a good thing. theres always a catch. theres always underlying decisions that will concur the outcome of your actions. it doesn't hurt to take an overall look at the situation and choose the most logical and sensible choice. though thats kinda looking a lil far so for now enjoy the feeling of interviews and prepare for the worst as it is yet to come, oh and yes it will most definitely come when you least expect it. life sucks like that. good feeling's gone. gg dania for getting on the gloom glooms and frowns out to good news.
on other news my back hurts. i accidentally did exercise today (yay?) and i think i might have over-done it..... no, actually i didn't... its just me - i'm so out of shape. i looked at myself today in the changing rooms and just thought to myself: yuck! time for a change.

Dismantle.Repair

Informal visit to a theatre yesterday and dammit if I ever get that role I'll quit zombie slaying forever - my gruesome satisfaction of headshot counts, and blood, gutts and limbs splattered everywhere will be fulfilled. I'll be contempt, satisfied, convinced that black ops zombies is a time wasting mission that can never ever be complete. 4 days of no zombies and I'm still going. I have to admit though, every time my sister comes into my room - well, we both share the keen interest to increasing our ranking in the scoreboards! *sigh* I need this job... :/ life has to get better... right?

Through Chaos as it Swirls... Its just Us against the World - Coldplay (2011)
Picture taken on plane from Romania in October 2011

Why are people so difficult? Being generous, letting people decide what to do for themselves, letting others have some equality, sharing the success... and what do they do? Go out of their way to ensure your life with them becomes a living hell! This is what the new tenants have been doing. Dad generously let & helped them make their new place a home and what do they do? Veto the agreement & contract, don't pay rent, avoid communication, squirm when you go see them in person, threaten to leave, cause damage to the inside of the house. What on earth is wrong with these people? Why would they do something like this? 2 months in and they're being this wacky I honestly fear of what's yet to come. It isn't fair, this isn't natural... what causes such people to react this way? My dad is a good honest man, noble and charitable. These people have no right to treat him no less than the kindness he had showed them.

darn all the frustration - black ops uninstalled!

I UNINSTALLED BLACK OPS LAST NIGHT HA HA HA
i woke up today bright and early for a change! woo~ problem is, i got downstairs to have my breakfast thinking about how i'm going to make today so productive! i'm going to read so many chapters yeaah - and i get confronted by mum, who had her own list of things to do for me

whole day ruined. instead of doing what i wanted to do, i ended up doing ebay. i ended up going through all lil sis' junk, photographing each piece, uploading it online, writing a description about it, posting it on ebay. aa;hsdfgh sdhi;hd;sgh;ghdgh ;ghd boring repetitive work SERIOUSLY?! i'm not happy with myself.
on another note, i'm thinking about vlogging instead of writing all these blog posts - opinions?
serious time now, ebay is done, now to open those books and start scribbling about lovely biology <3

and breathe..

its 3.41am as i'm writing this, i have a specsavers appointment for some trial contacts in the morning at 10, i seriously need a wash and so i need to wake up as early as 8am in order to be ready for that appointment. i'm not happy, in fact i'm freaking out. i've read some blog posts about people who have "successfully" acheived what i'm trying to do and i'm freaking out. how on earth did these people have the time to fulful their life-long wish and ambition? baby steps can't even describe the sheer motivation and drive behind these people. with that said, i'm freaking out. its november and i need some responses to my huge number of emails!!! aaahh! i need to get the ball rolling i'm so scared!
the house was turned upside down and is drowning in clothes because dad decided "oh screw this i'm not gonna sort through the 10-year-old wardrobes, i'll just dump them everywhere" and obviously, its all over the stairs, the couch, sofa bed, and even in the bathroom. i'm talking about clothes that have been neglected for a period of as far as 10 years. aghh it hurts me to talk about my parents like this but i think with age, cranky-ness and impatience tends to grow. theres no order, which makes me even more motivated to gtfo asap. i'm a terrible daughter... THE WHOLE HOUSE IS A MESS!
back to my other problem, i really really really need replies. after what i've read, and seen this weekend... i need a response dammit!

Newton's second law (motion)

Any mass that is gained or lost by the system will cause a change in momentum that is not the result of an external force.

question: how do you know when enough is enough? does having a bigger perspective of this world and the situation you're in guide you to a wiser decision? or would all this information become too much, rendering you unable to really partake in the process to either cease or continue in an unaltered manner?
when you see a man abusing a woman, how do you know how to react? you're not scared, you're not in any position that could get you injured in the process, so why not just do it, and stop the abuse?
yesterday i had a similar encounter and i couldn't help but notice how quickly i found myself losing interest in the situation. i could have prevented something from occurring but instead i let it take its course. does that make me a bad person? does that make me responsible for what happened? by doing nothing, was i doing something? if i wasn't doing anything then why do i feel guilt? agh trial and error next time i'll be wiser to do otherwise. :/

zombies nomnom's my leif ;_;

i've been going crazy over zombies in the past few days i've had no sleep and its getting to the point where its ridiculous. how did this happen? i have a family that i've neglected, i've got chores to do and places to go aaah its frustrating how i just lose myself in a zombies game. with that said, i am not getting modern warfare 3 regardless of how awesome it looks. i'm better than this! oh and i got to level 35 on five with just 1 other player. i rawk at this game now its time to retire.
eid mubarak by the way.

lost for words

its not that i haven't been blogging, its just that i haven't been publishing. i'm sitting on about 6 draft posts which i can't bring myself to publish. they are just not meant for anyone else but me to see. so what happened?
plans are on hold because of a certain waiting list and my little sister had a car accident on monday. its been overwhelming for me as not only did i have to deal with idiots abusing power where i've been, but also to worry about my little sister. she had an operation yesterday to reposition her leg. both bones in her right leg are broken. you simply cannot imagine the state of chaos the whole family has been in, and surely, i am really lost for words. theres no words that could be enough to describe our state of despair.