The confidence to speak up

Over the past week I've been applying for jobs related to healthcare. believe it or not, i kind of miss being.. relevant. That feeling of reward you get from helping someone.. I think i need it right now more than anything else >.<  i suppose that ties with the same concept of 'having a purpose larger than life'.

when will the universe notice me sempai?

silly but thats the reality of things.

i've also been in touch with my old boss, it's nice to know that people care about your future. talking to people really does help alleviate the frustration i am going through. being down all the time really does take a toll on health, ever since i got back from holiday i've been sick, with a nasty chesty cough. 2 weeks worth of antibiotics later, the cough finally eased, but the lungs still feel tight and sore when taking deep breaths.

i'm faced with a tough decision - i want to return to education and earn a masters but i'm having trouble psyching myself for it. last time i tried to do something like this i ended up terminating the course and i really dont want to do that again.
i really lost the belief in myself, my confidence has suffered because of it. though i still feel like i need redemption, come back with a force that will take the opportunities by storm and cause wildfires in forests.. err.. so to speak.

Revelation into how people become impressionable and grumpy.

I woke up this morning with a sour feeling in my stomach and answers to questions I have been asking myself about people's attitudes for so many years. Without experience I suppose it's really hard to grasp or understand how people turn out the way they are, but with a little insight.. You can see through a keyhole why people are the way they are.

Why are my neighbours always copying us?! 

Believe it or not,  people who have lost their way,  or have not found their purpose are very impressionable. When they find a figure who seems to have an initiative or has their life put together, they become like a shining beacon of hope and aspiration. 

Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there that don't have a reason for existence and that makes them incredibly anxious and prone to being influenced by other people.  Such is life. 

Why are people so grumpy? What made them this way? 

People turn sour when they are no longer happy with what they have. Perhaps they didn't get the most out of their job or education that for whatever reason.. Nothing makes things better for them. These people used to be hopeful, they used to be some of the nicest people you would ever meet.. However over time,  a wall is built between hope and expectation. 

Depression has a huge factor on how people live their lives, and it can be so harmful and contagious in the workplace. Ask yourself if you are happy where you are, if you are surrounded by people who inspire you to be better, to have a purpose in life greater than just existing to provide for the family.. If there are gaps in your life, try to think of ways to steal your life around, and make it better for yourself and others. 

Ok ranting is over. 

so overwhelmed :(

5 things that went well today 

1. i sorted the website layout
2. i feel much better health wise
3. i was able to begin thinking about the future for the website and how it will be integrated with youtube
4. went over the workshop handouts
5. i had nice food mum cooked :o

 5 things that you are thankful for 

1. food :D
2. my computer
3. my supportive parents
4. being able to apply my knowledge
5. having a warm place to work :)

 2 things that you would like to improve

1. set the tasks and plan out how long they will take
2. email the trust about my decision for business
3. schedule uploads and inform artists about the schedule
4. social media stuff repostings
5. contact potential people for collabs

Ramadan day 6

5 things that went well today 

1. spent quality time with family
2. prayed 5 times
3. listened & read Qur'an
4. no urge to play lol
5. i felt at peace with myself despite current difficult time

 5 things that you are thankful for 

1. positive attitude, learning from the past
2. physically energised to spend time with mum in town
3. loving parents
4. ability to afford simple pleasures
5. inquisition & empathy to Qur'an

 2 things that you would like to improve

1. reduce the reluctance to do things
2. reduce portion size during the Iftar and Suhoor

Ramadan day 5

5 things that went well today 

1. replied to job offer
2. questioned many things about islam and found sound answers, e.g. purpose & origin of the kaaba, importance of suhoor and iftar
3. began making an inspiration poster - layout done, just needs layers of geometry
4. prayed all 5 salahs
5. researched mics and sound cards, now i have a plan of action.

 5 things that you are thankful for 

1. parents
2. food
3. my bed
4. my computer
5. my curiosity to understand things

 2 things that you would like to improve

1. listen to qur'an
2. physical activity during ramadan

Ramadan day 4

happy father's day. today i spent the time at home, i got to tidy up the prayer area and hoover the room. finally a clean place to pray :)
i would like to start a new format of blogging documenting the positive things and room for improvements. not only is this pragmatic, but i hope that over time i can begin to look for the positive things in life.

5 things that went well today

1. i washed
2. i completed my prayers
3. i cleaned the floor area in my room to allow me to pray
4. i listened to qur'an
5. meditation has helped me find peace after prayer

5 things that you are thankful for

1. having supportive parents
2. having a roof over my head
3. food
4. health
5. ability to be patient through this difficult time

2 things that you would like to improve

1. clean my desk area
2. be more active in the day

Ramadan day 3 cont.

Earlier in the morning I went out with mum for clothes shopping. Honestly I had no intention of buying anything but I really really wanted to purchase a new bag.
I also wanted to find something for Father's day... Unfortunately to no success at either. I did however find an amazing watch (I am a very picky person, especially with watches) that I could not put down, especially considering the price it was marked with. After much debate in my brain whether or not to take it, I decided to go for it. It has that quirky yet elegant dimensional feel to it that I generally do in my origami illustrations, plus it was bright and edgy.

Roxy The Yang digital watch, limited edition

This watch spoke to me, and not many things do that. So I'm overall happy purchase :D
After the shopping I was very low in energy.. After all, I did not sleep at all since Suhoor. I slept till it was time to break the fast.
I decided that perhaps the diet was a bad idea.. I have been experiencing stomach pains since my decision to diet, and I think it's because of the salts and excessive spices in the food I was ingesting. So for now, portion control is the way forward (and more water during the eating hours). 

Ramadan day 2-3

Day 2:
Priority is food today, after realising that the parents were unaware of my commitment to Ramadan this year. Honestly it made me a little sad that they wouldn't think I would fast this year. For the previous years I had not been able to do Ramadan properly. This was because of both work and revision commitments.
My health was also an issue, I don't attend the gym on a regular basis, so couple my stamina with fasting and I could only function on basic mentality levels... Almost like a zombie.
This year I have no commitments. I don't know if that's a blessing or not, but this Ramadan I want to make the most of it. This means praying 5 times a day,  learning the qiyam al layl prayer possibly if it doesn't prove to be difficult, and get to know more about my religion.
Moving away from the tangent ranting, today I went with my little sister shopping for food. I don't think I will be doing a completely strict diet, considering the lack of water and the possibility of pronounced ketosis, and muscle loss..  it's a little risky.
So, the menu consists of fish, chicken, broccoli, cauliflower, cheese sprinkles. (until I get bored from this combo)

Day 3:
I was so tired yesterday I fell asleep after Iftar and didn't awake till it was time for Suhoor. I felt a huge surge of exhaustion, possibly from the fasting or from doing so little activities. My arms in particular felt very weak. I may need to start some form of exercise or toning/stretches to maintain muscle composition.

I have been diagnosing the problems faced with the microphone on my pc and have come to the conclusion that the on board sound card present on my Asus x79 deluxe motherboard is actually very very bad for microphone input. I will need to purchase an exterior sound card.. Possibly the Asus Xonar U7. I also want to invest in an antlion modmic 4.0 which happens to be the best mic for pc.. Assuming that my current omni mic would not work properly with the sound card. Regardless, a dedicated sound card should fix the majority of transmission problems faced, and should make the overall sound of my computer yummy :D
I feel like these purchases are however optional and not urgent, so for the time being I would like to consider other options.

It has been 3 days away from league of legends and I don't feel withdrawal. Possibly because I've been so tired but maybe I had better will power than I thought. It's interesting how much time you realise you have in a day when you're not preoccupied with lol, I have been so much more productive but at the same time.. Repressed or ignored emotions that I have not dealt with the past 3 months have resurfaced. I guess Ramadan is perfect for this because you want to reach a higher spiritual enlightenment and strengthen the mind. Feels like a boot camp, kinda. 

Ramadan day 1

First day of Ramadan went well. No league of legends, no music and prayed 5 times today. I also had time to sort out a couple auctions on eBay in the aim to free up space in my room to actually place my prayer mat to pray.. Meanwhile I have been praying on my bed because the lack of floor space. It's funny looking at how lack of energy I have now compared to last year.
I ate kebabs with cauliflower and broccoli for dinner,  then deeply regretted eating the kebabs as I saw the amount of fat on my plate as it solidified. That's disgusting if it's going into my body. Tomorrow I hope to go shopping and actually find food I think would be better.. The problem is I don't want to go shopping on an empty stomach but things need to be done so I guess I just have to cope.
Ramadan kareem everyone. 

time heals

they say that time heals all wounds. i would like to believe this, i would like to say that i am moving on though it seems that i am more becoming numb to the pain than anything.
however i am starting to grow with frustration. i would like to escape from my current state of stasis.
i need something to help me get back on my feet so i've started looking for jobs, i've started to clean out my room, and i've started to take care of myself - but i need to do more.
with ramadhan around the corner i feel like i need a new outlook on life. i need to learn more about my religion to discover a new point of view. i hope to complete the qur'an this month, and surround myself with meaningful motivational pictures to help transform my current state into a more positive and productive vision.
i hope to report back here everyday of the month with my findings, in the hopes that something will sink in, something will flourish into greatness that i know i am certainly capable of.

We are the heroes of our time

i can't help but sense this tightness in my chest, whenever i look at anything related to medicine, it feels like my insides are getting squashed, my eyes tear with pain and my throat sinks so deep it's hard to swallow away my emotions. i feel like i betrayed myself, and the feeling never goes away, it lingers at the back of my mind no matter how hard i try to concentrate on the present and plan for the future. will this feeling ever go away?
my lack of motivation to do anything spans to the point where sleep is now my only escape.. for a while. however sometimes i wake only to remember i was actually also dreaming about medicine.
i'm not weak, i'd never let myself sink this low. medicine meant the world to me, i have always wanted to pursue this career, not doing it just makes me feel this depression that i just can't shake off.
how do i move on? how do i look past this mess? is there a sanctuary for people like me?

the pursuit of happiness

the past month has been really hard. going out anywhere reminds me of what i lost.. my purpose in life, my goals.. well i can't really go that route anymore.. so, what do?
one day i went out with my parents, my mum wants to get a new car. throughout the whole car ride i was fighting tears, leaving myself to think about everything just places me in a huge emotional bubble that i try to fight back and avoid. looking back is hurtful, and i think i really need some redemption.. though, i'm stuck. i don't know how to find my redemption.
i don't want to return to study, and i don't want any normal boring job. for goodness sake i was working in the hospital, every single day was different and i learned so much on the job. it's what inspired me to pursue medicine, my goal was to become a doctor.
everywhere i go now reminds me of what i lost. it's funny because before travelling i would go on this shopping spree and buy my whole closet for the season. i would look forward to learning new things everyday, see my friends, walk around the city, and i felt so free and alive. i felt like i was in the right place, i was studying something that inspired me to become a better person.

when all that was taken from me, now i feel like i have nothing but old memories, emotions i refuse to address and a horrible twisted feeling in my stomach that i cannot endure.
in clinical terms, i feel depressed. how do i get past this?

futile past, uncertain future

it's difficult when all you ever knew was to have this one dream, be this one person. when reality hits and what you have disappears, it's traumatic to move on.
nonetheless, life continues, and your family expect you to move on, but how do you do it?
firstly you begin by asking yourself:

1. what's important to you?

you make a list of all the things that you think are important, in any case.. this list should be a priority list of things dear to your heart.

2. are you giving these important things time?

then you figure out how much time you are giving to these important things in your life.

for example, i would assume family would be a priority on a lot of people's list, are you giving family enough time or are you ignoring this key ingredient of life?

3. what do you feel right now? is there something that you can do today to make it better for you?

the next step is to look at your day so far and find out how you can make it better. for example, if you have neglected cleaning your room, or perhaps wanted to do the laundry so that the weekend will be free to do other things.. do it now to free up your time in the future. 

4. fill in empty spaces with things you wish to achieve 

time you earned from making today better, fill it with what you want to do. it might be a simple art project you have been pondering about, or a gym session you have been eyeing for a while - say yes to new opportunities and fill your time with self developments. 

from here you will begin to find your feet again, get out of depression (fingers crossed) and move on to the next chapter of your life.

it's not going to be easy, and i have to admit.. i have never cried so much in my entire life as much as this month. it has been a struggle but all things must pass, and looking back is painful. learn to forgive yourself and accept the past as a lesson, not to repeat the mistakes again.

Dare to dream

What if one day you wake up and realise you've stopped dreaming. you realise that your previous motivations mean nothing now. the life you planned for the past couple of years.. well, they don't matter any more.

How do you get on and build new dreams? 

one thing i've always done was stick to what interests me, what makes me passionate, what makes me happy.
But, what if for the past couple of years all your efforts into achieving this goal to better yourself, to aim for THE dream.. they all suddenly come crashing down.
Depression is inevitable, it's what happens when your mind doesn't get what it wants, it's the hole that forms when your foundations are shook. how do you start to dream again? how do you build a new dream?
self development is a journey, with lots of roads, avenues, and dead ends. how would you start?
what do you do with all the knowledge you have gained? how do you deal with the realisation that you cannot continue down the path of aspiration?
I feel so lost..