Season's greetings

with the end of the month slowly creeping in, i'm getting more and more anxious as to why i don't jave a job yet.. i've been working on nothing but applications the past week and i'm really not liking the outcome so far!
there was a job posted last night that i really really wanted to apply for, and i've been working so darn hard perfecting my application for the role... i slept at 5am last night and i only had a little to write to finish off my application. this morning i get on, and poof! advert is gone :( i'm still kicking myself for not finishing the application... even if it was early darn it, it went on the website for less than a day!
are applications in london so hard to get? are they so heavily demanding that people just don't advertise there anymore? :(

Rage Quit

So after much thinking i've opened a private blog, i'm getting sick of typing out drafts that won't get published, so whats more awesome than making a brand new spankin blog with awesome privacy to help me destress.. no? still guys i will not reinstall black ops quit askin!

Dismantle.Repair

Informal visit to a theatre yesterday and dammit if I ever get that role I'll quit zombie slaying forever - my gruesome satisfaction of headshot counts, and blood, gutts and limbs splattered everywhere will be fulfilled. I'll be contempt, satisfied, convinced that black ops zombies is a time wasting mission that can never ever be complete. 4 days of no zombies and I'm still going. I have to admit though, every time my sister comes into my room - well, we both share the keen interest to increasing our ranking in the scoreboards! *sigh* I need this job... :/ life has to get better... right?

Through Chaos as it Swirls... Its just Us against the World - Coldplay (2011)
Picture taken on plane from Romania in October 2011

Why are people so difficult? Being generous, letting people decide what to do for themselves, letting others have some equality, sharing the success... and what do they do? Go out of their way to ensure your life with them becomes a living hell! This is what the new tenants have been doing. Dad generously let & helped them make their new place a home and what do they do? Veto the agreement & contract, don't pay rent, avoid communication, squirm when you go see them in person, threaten to leave, cause damage to the inside of the house. What on earth is wrong with these people? Why would they do something like this? 2 months in and they're being this wacky I honestly fear of what's yet to come. It isn't fair, this isn't natural... what causes such people to react this way? My dad is a good honest man, noble and charitable. These people have no right to treat him no less than the kindness he had showed them.

darn all the frustration - black ops uninstalled!

I UNINSTALLED BLACK OPS LAST NIGHT HA HA HA
i woke up today bright and early for a change! woo~ problem is, i got downstairs to have my breakfast thinking about how i'm going to make today so productive! i'm going to read so many chapters yeaah - and i get confronted by mum, who had her own list of things to do for me

whole day ruined. instead of doing what i wanted to do, i ended up doing ebay. i ended up going through all lil sis' junk, photographing each piece, uploading it online, writing a description about it, posting it on ebay. aa;hsdfgh sdhi;hd;sgh;ghdgh ;ghd boring repetitive work SERIOUSLY?! i'm not happy with myself.
on another note, i'm thinking about vlogging instead of writing all these blog posts - opinions?
serious time now, ebay is done, now to open those books and start scribbling about lovely biology <3

the undervalued significance of finding yourself

one of the things i have been working on is securing an interview - and one thing i've done is attend a workshop. at university you would have thought that by attending lectures, taking part in societies and events you would be getting the best exposure to how to tackle life outside studying... well.. not really. employers don't just look at your university life, they want to know what you've learned and how you developed as a person. the main objective of applying to anywhere is to tell the employer yes i know what the job is about, and i really want to work for you. basically you want to kiss ass, but make sure that your lips are going to stain, or... in other words, you should be aiming to leave a lasting impression in both the application/cv and the interview. think of your role model and how they inspired you, and try to portray that in the way you put yourself across.

in preparation or in times of self doubt, i find that meditation usually helps. concentrate on the qualities you have, and how you want people to see you. this way it flows naturally, even if its in the back of your mind, you will find that by looking deep into yourself, you can actually find the person you really want to be.

one time i was really really stressed out during revision time, and instead of rage quitting, i took a deep breath and decided to meditate. 15 mins is really all you need, just clear your mind, find that inner peace, no distractions, no muscles tensed, no bright lights (and don't fall asleep!) just concentrate on whats troubling you. in my case, i honestly didn't know what the stuff i was reading would get me. in a series of why? what? and how? questions i managed to find out what i really wanted to do. once you reach a spot where you can't question yourself any longer, thats when you know.

so theres 2 parts to this job advice, but it all really depends on you. where do you want to be in life? are you happy where you are? how can you change? boundaries are there to be broken, so don't let yourself be locked away in a cage. make the effort to be who you really want to be, and never get discouraged from others. in the end, its your life, and all your actions will consequently shape how you live it. stop wasting time, and start thinking about your future.

fashion haul - you knew it was coming

i've got so much on my mind, but you know what, i'm not going to talk about it. this is what i bought today:

Blowfish Dark Brown Boots, rpp £50.00 bought for £16.00

amazing boots are amazing! for so long i've wanted a pair of blowfish boots, they just look so different, simple and something out of an assassin's creed game! the colour of these boots is just right and has a lovely texture to it - i just couldn't resist. mum of course did not approve. she thought it wasn't up to her standards, to me, well.. i need new brown boots as my previous pair lasted for 6 years!!! and the faux leather was cracking, the bottom of the shoe print was obliterated and the smell was crying out "throw me away!". i have a feeling though, i may need to double the socks for a while as the subcutaneous calcaneal bursa of my feet are going to hurt. not that the boots are uncomfortable - on the contrary they are an amazing fit, but in long distance walking, the friction would bring out the evilness in any shoe, and these boots are no exception.

another thing i bought today was this:

Bench Bradie black jacket with hood, rpp £75.00 bought for £20.00 

this jacket is comfy and warm and has a hood too! i honestly thought this was a bargain because quality of this baby - is unmatched! one issue with this one though is that.. it attracts those loose hairs from scarves and wool - but other than that.. this was an amazing find. initially this was picked for my mum, but somehow i ended up trying & buying it for myself! nevermind..

and breathe..

its 3.41am as i'm writing this, i have a specsavers appointment for some trial contacts in the morning at 10, i seriously need a wash and so i need to wake up as early as 8am in order to be ready for that appointment. i'm not happy, in fact i'm freaking out. i've read some blog posts about people who have "successfully" acheived what i'm trying to do and i'm freaking out. how on earth did these people have the time to fulful their life-long wish and ambition? baby steps can't even describe the sheer motivation and drive behind these people. with that said, i'm freaking out. its november and i need some responses to my huge number of emails!!! aaahh! i need to get the ball rolling i'm so scared!
the house was turned upside down and is drowning in clothes because dad decided "oh screw this i'm not gonna sort through the 10-year-old wardrobes, i'll just dump them everywhere" and obviously, its all over the stairs, the couch, sofa bed, and even in the bathroom. i'm talking about clothes that have been neglected for a period of as far as 10 years. aghh it hurts me to talk about my parents like this but i think with age, cranky-ness and impatience tends to grow. theres no order, which makes me even more motivated to gtfo asap. i'm a terrible daughter... THE WHOLE HOUSE IS A MESS!
back to my other problem, i really really really need replies. after what i've read, and seen this weekend... i need a response dammit!

Newton's second law (motion)

Any mass that is gained or lost by the system will cause a change in momentum that is not the result of an external force.

question: how do you know when enough is enough? does having a bigger perspective of this world and the situation you're in guide you to a wiser decision? or would all this information become too much, rendering you unable to really partake in the process to either cease or continue in an unaltered manner?
when you see a man abusing a woman, how do you know how to react? you're not scared, you're not in any position that could get you injured in the process, so why not just do it, and stop the abuse?
yesterday i had a similar encounter and i couldn't help but notice how quickly i found myself losing interest in the situation. i could have prevented something from occurring but instead i let it take its course. does that make me a bad person? does that make me responsible for what happened? by doing nothing, was i doing something? if i wasn't doing anything then why do i feel guilt? agh trial and error next time i'll be wiser to do otherwise. :/

zombies nomnom's my leif ;_;

i've been going crazy over zombies in the past few days i've had no sleep and its getting to the point where its ridiculous. how did this happen? i have a family that i've neglected, i've got chores to do and places to go aaah its frustrating how i just lose myself in a zombies game. with that said, i am not getting modern warfare 3 regardless of how awesome it looks. i'm better than this! oh and i got to level 35 on five with just 1 other player. i rawk at this game now its time to retire.
eid mubarak by the way.

crazy coincidence

i'm not a believer in coincidence, or that things happen for a reason. but, when things do happen out of the blue i sometimes doubt myself. like when all odds are against me, and this one little thing that just comes its way, and for a brief second you feel like you belong, like something went right, like you've found what you're looking for.. well.. i treasure those moments, and sigh later thinking about them! part of me thinks no no.. too good to be true, and the other part just wants to launch in full throttle and nab that little thing and squeeze it so hard that no one else can get their hands on it. so many times have i just looked at my situation and thought, ok never mind this lets try something else. but always... this little thing... it always lands at the right time. perfectly. somehow.. it makes sense. it can't be coincidence, that's just crazy... right?

displacement where grounds were warm

because hope just takes a bite out of your heart making it black like this feather

i'm in a funny mood today - i think i woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something.. i had an appointment this morning at the job centre to try to figure out where to look for jobs etc. problem is, the person i spoke to, honestly didn't have a clue about what i wanted.. maybe i'm not clear about what i want - meh i just wanted to do masters. i don't like being confused, i don't like the fact that i don't actually know anyone who has been in my position.... even good old google with all the answers doesn't seem to have an answer to my questions. google labs should make a thing that could tell you more about yourself.. or what jobs you can apply for.

however despite this whining and self pitty - at least i took a step today, at least i made an effort to search and thats more than i can recall doing when i was with sainsburys.. i guess i just needed to lose something in order to get something else.... or it just proves that i was waaay too comfy in my job and all the people i knew. dania start aiming high and stop shooting yourself in the foot, woman!
i've been decluttering my room - that right now, if i open my wardrobe, i can sigh with relief! its not all clogged up with clothes i'm not going to wear, instead, everything is neat. i only have what i need, and thats how i like it. i can actually see some space there, and thats an achievement! i feel better - the thing is, the whole house needs to feel like my wardrobe, at the moment its one big storage bin. everything just seems to get in, and no relief is returned to the house. baby steps.

romania, strike 2 - day 1

this time i booked my tickets to arrive in constanta on sunday afternoon. i used blue air this time and i noticed the difference. this airline was so much more organised than wizz air. it was an amazing scenery seeing the world from the sky in daylight. i wasn't as tired as i was last time i took the flight. i had to conserve my energy, i had organised everything, i knew what to expect this time. i was mentally prepared, i felt like i can do this. i had to be strong, i burried the doubts, the sadness, the strong bonds i had with england getting torn at every step i made into this new land, i had to be strong. medicine is my future and thats what i am here to focus on. i need to realise my wish for i am so close to getting on the right track for my life, for the future that i've been shadowing, for the future that i longed for, for the future that i deserve. i had to be strong.
i had packed all my winter clothes, i had made sure i was prepared for the worst. on top of it all, i had to be vigilant, i had to be on my guard at all time. i got to bucharest baneasa airport and i knew exactly which bus i needed. i crossed the road, got to the bus stop and waited for bus number 780, the bus which would take me straight to gare de nord, the international train station within bucharest. but this time i had another twist, to avoid the horrible trains i had researched coaches and found them to be much cheaper, more comfortable and had a direct route with less stops to constanta. i asked a few locals for directs, i just needed to know where i was before i could follow my google map to the coaches. i used gsm trans, which costed merely 50 lei for 4/5 star type of coach compared to the trains which weren't even first class costed 89 lei. from the first time i reached the coaches i knew this was so much better. there was hardly any engine noise, there were no distractions, no horrible wiffs of stench, the whole journey there were no kids screaming, or romanians over-crowding the area with their music, excessively loud laughs, or even the creepers that can't seem to keep to their seats.
i reached constanta at 9.30pm it was a 3 hour journey - but was far more comfortable than anything so far. i was pleased. the coach took us to the constanta train station conveniently, and as i was about to make my way through public buses to the apartment, the landlord offered to pick me up. this was a god send. alhamdu'allah i was blessed with a wonderful landlord that did not treat me like a tourist, but as an individual who was just making their way in life. perhaps it was my honesty that made him open up to me, or perhaps the fact that i didn't have anyone here in romania, i don't really know.. regardless, he was polite, treated me with respect and always advised me on the ways of living here in constanta. these are the kind of people i was searching for to be friends with. honest people like that, who weren't going to take advantage of you in a completely new world.
the area i stayed at was tomis, a modern and fresh area of constanta with many new buildings getting built. on top of it all, the place had central heating unlike the majority of constanta. when i reached the apartment, the number one thing on my mind was to call home and tell everyone that i have reached constanta safely. alhamdu'allah. i connected the broadband, which to the apartment was 16mb broadband, not bad for romania i thought to myself. after i had a cheese sandwich i fell asleep. the landlord had agreed to show me how to get to the university the following day.

the day before the day

nerves are really kicking in. i got the letter from the ministry of education last tuesday, i've quit my job so yesterday was my last day, and now i am free. no strings attached, no net to save me if i fall. i've got so much to do today its just crazy! i've got so little time to get things done i'm so stressed i couldn't sleep properly. checklist!
luggage
hand in resignation letter and locker key


what to include in luggage:
lab coat

romania - day 5 tuesday

today we took the first train in constanta back to bucharest. unlike our experience with the 1961 train from bucharest to constanta, this train was surprisingly modern! this train was of course called r or rapid. theres a difference in the ticket price for this one obviously as its more expensive. if you've pre-booked your tickets or have an open return ticket, then you're in trouble if you change between trains a and r. you'll need to cough up an extra 40 lei to change your tickets and obtain seats. they are very strict about seating in every train we took so thats another thing to worry about. despite having numbers labelled above seats... finding the right carriage is a problem - so its really best to ask people - i do mean ask, so not just one person.. make sure you know where you're going as some people see foreigners and think that answering 'da' is for everything. :/
the train times is almost the same, but there is significantly less noise and you don't feel like you're squashed with the unfortunate. these trains are more spacious and tickets range between first and second class just like normal trains here in the UK. standards are almost the same too - but do bear in mind that people smoke. even though you're not supposed to smoke on the train there is a tendency to find the odd person having a small wiff. its either that or you're unfortunate to be in a carriage with a heavy smoker(s) that literally lives in smoke. remember, the majority of these people are going to bucharest, smoke central. you've been warned.
with all our luggage (because we're hardcore like that) we took the metro to piata romania and then headed to the ministry of education.
our first order of things to do was to get this 'ready' letter. we went to the second building the ministry had initially referred us to, number 12 (theres no number on the door). we asked for the guy we had spoke to at the posh cafe/restaurant and after wrestling with the security guard, a different lady who spoke absolutely no english we managed to get hold of him. by that time it was 12.10pm. the time for general enquiries at the ministry ranges between 10.00 and 12pm - so this dude was doing over-time. nevertheless i whipped out my phone and started recording. i wasn't taking any chances at him bribing us. to my surprise... he had the letter in the folder he was carrying around. i signed a photocopy version of this letter and i took the original. he had said this was all that i needed to apply to constanta, wished us best of luck, shook hands and off we went. no bribes, no extra tipping, no cash prize. dad felt he had to give the man something, but my logical arrogance convinced him otherwise. i had already attached a postal order cheque along with my documents when i initially sent my application by post, and so we had paid the ministry the handling fee.
dad began to smile. i didn't. he told me, its almost done, you're so close! i honestly did not share his enthusiasm. there was much to be done and after i met that secretary my hopes haven't been so high. in fact i still could not believe that i am indeed this close yet. not yet - not until my name is registered on the medical course, not until i start attending lectures.. i don't think its anywhere close to being done.
the letter was of course in romanian, but some words were french/english-derived which made it possible to get the gist of the letter. it was basically just allowing me to apply to universities in romania for the 2011/12 year. only my secondary education certificates were mentioned and that made me worry. this letter isn't an acceptance letter and i fear for the worst of whats yet to come. i expressed these views to dad as we had lunch at piata romania's burger king restaurant. both his and my expression really changed after this - we both had the look of death in our eyes, theres more things to come. its not over yet.
we opened a bank account with alpha bank and got a sim from vodaphone while waiting for my birth certificate to be translated to romanian. we could not bring ourselves to go shopping anywhere, as we were dragging luggage, and we still need to make our way to the airport for tonight's flight back to the uk.
with little left to do here, we decided to take bus 131 to the airport.

romania - day 4 constanta

today, 6.15am we took the train at gara du nord, bucharest, and went to constanta. when i say train please bear in mind that i am really referring to a 1969 train model of a train in all its glorious downfalls. this is the train thats referred to as A or .....

train at bucharest, gara du nord est. 1969, still used today.

there was seats for eight people - considering that everyone smokes in bucharest, and how each eight-seat area is isolated with an interior door separating each compartment... well.. if you had tickets in the same compartment as a stinker, well you're screwed. thankfully we didn't have any smokers in our compartment but it was full to the brim. our legs clashed, it was impossible to sleep/sit comfortably. 

3.30 hours later we arrived in bucharest. after asking around for directions we were off to ovidius university. problem: we arrived to the wrong campus and had to take directions from a stressed out secretary (who kept insisting on having the reception door closed). that campus was so weird, there was no students in sight, and all doors were closed and unlabelled. it was like a neat wooden prison... i really can't think of another more obvious way to describe it.

we got to ovidus constanta at 11.00 with all our luggage. we didn't realise, we just stepped into hell. there were queues everywhere. people in my position were queuing outside secretary offices both foreign and romanian. i honestly did not expect something like this. no way in hell was i expecting so many students waiting outside a secretary office. nevertheless, we had to see someone, so we joined the queue. i was in no mood to speak to anyone. we only had one water bottle and in addition to how tired we were from travelling early in the morning, frustration soon kicked in. all of the people standing there were pushing, shoving, cutting in the line, and simply being assholes. there was a wide array of people from all kinds of backgrounds, and may were arabic speaking, taiwanese, and even from america and canada. 2 hours later i told dad since we're not getting to see this secretary any time soon we should probably call the dude at the ministry - or at least the girl that could barely speak and see the situation with my application. we called the guy and left him a message on his voice mail. i also sent a text for him just in case he was in a meeting/ busy to listen to voice mail.
after waiting for 4 hours i snapped. i couldn't bear waiting in that queue any longer. medicine was simply not enough to make me wait this long. i had pain in my lower back, my feet were swollen and blistered from the walking in bucharest and i was so so tired from the early travel. i forgot to mention, the previous night, i couldn't sleep - i was so anxious, i was so nervous, i couldn't switch my brain off. at most, i had only 2 hours of sleep the previous night. not only that, the lack of food really really pulled my stamina down. i was in no shape of waiting here. the queue itself was not declining. i was in the same place that i had stood, when i first came and queued. this was beyond ridiculous, this was inhumane. medicine at constanta is not worth this wait. i snatched the phone from dad and called the guy at the ministry. i was in rage, i wanted to know where i stood for up till now i have not only been lost in translation, but also dishearted at the amount of bribery, the inconsiderable time wasting and the awful anxiety that was reaching close to boiling point. he answered the phone. i asked about the state of my application. he simply replied, its ready. everything is complete. that confused me, what does 'ready' mean? have the letter of acceptance been issued already? has it been to the ministry? have they authorised my application? why haven't i been informed about the state of my application beforehand? if its been ready, then what are we doing here in the queue? right now i wanted any reason to leave the queue. i turned to my dad and told him, we should have stayed in bucharest. we should have collected this letter from the ministry before making our way here. we made a mistake - perhaps i was a little harsh, but i have really really had enough; i was looking for any excuse to leave this queue. dad simply replied, since everyone spoke of bribery, what makes you think that you're going to simply get this letter? surely there is a price to pay. surely this guy is going to want something in return. like i've said before, i didn't trust the guy at the ministry. the moment we spoke, i could not bear to trust anything that comes out of his mouth. there was this distinct distaste in the words he used, the body language, everything. nevertheless, now that we knew we needed to collect this letter from the ministry we abandoned our post in the queue and headed outside to find the apartment we booked online. we were both tired, hungry and dehydrated.
i swear i could not have done this without dad. hes been the rock, the role model, my guardian throughout this journey and there really isn't enough to say about how appreciative i am of what he has done, what he has made to make my desire to study medicine a possibility. i felt like i was so close to realising my dream, i felt like i was so close to making my dad proud.
we left ovidius and since my google map had said that our apartment is just 15mins walk from the university, we set out on foot, to find this place. we reached an area of hotels that were closed during the no-season period. we asked them for directions and they have said that oooh no, we had to catch a bus to reach our destination. me and dad looked at each other. he told me, lets go back to the university. this is what we are here for, and so this is where we should be. perhaps we can find out more about my application. i agreed, and so we set out back to the university. still, we had no food, still dehydrated, but walking seemed to give me more energy, i felt like i could stand in the queue. i felt like i could wait.
when we returned, the queue had not decreased. instead, there were people cutting across the sides, and there, the secretary demanding a civilised queue of a single line, one standing after another. however, that just made the people there even more anxious, and pissed off. there was disorder everywhere. people were not listening. the arabs were making sleigh remarks at the woman, while the english speaking were giving the secretary hand gestures behind her back. everyone was pushing in, the queue looked similar to the red coloured box illustration below.

blue = civilised queue; red = uncivilised, how things were outside the foreign secretary office at ovidius constanta

i felt the frustration, these people were coming everyday, queueing up to see this woman - who i have to say is very well dressed and groomed. it makes me think - with all the money pouring in from students, why couldn't the university hire someone else to help her out? maybe arrange for better queues, resolve current problems with limited hours (the office hours for foreign students to see the secretary was between 12 and 2pm). perhaps if she had answered emails this queue would not be this large. perhaps if regular updates were issued at the huge notice board outside her office, there wouldn't be so many people waiting outside her office everyday. aghh it makes me angry even thinking about the lack of things getting done there to sort out the queues!!
after half an hour, dad said hes had enough. a man of his age should not be standing, queueing like this. you can see the anger in his tired eyes. he hasn't had any sleep either. his worries for me were deeply engraved in the lines on his face. i could not bear it, but i had to stay strong for both our sakes. if at least one of us maintained solidarity, then the other would benefit from the strength of such will power. at around 3.30pm i reached a state of trance. quite honestly i was a zombie, and with no mental capacity to hold back my rage at this woman (the secretary). if she leaves her office another time to head to the toilet i would jump her. i would knock her to the floor and start punching her face so hard that i wouldn't care. the queue was slowly dispersing, but not fast enough to calm me. i've experienced nothing like this in england. i was not accustomed to such disgrace and quite frankly, i could not tolerate it. i felt like i was queueing with animals. this isn't my place. this isn't what i wanted. if i knew that it was so hard to even get my application moving here, i would have worked harder to get into med school in england. even if that chance would be so much slimmer there. i would burn my eyes out and tattoo knowledge into my brain so i wouldn't have to queue like this ever again.
to say the least, when it reached 4pm we left again to find the apartment. we took the bus downtown to mamias and were counting houses as we went. we arrive at the destination, 15mins bus ride from the university and i wasn't happy. we chose the apartment specifically because it was close walking distance from the university. nevertheless, we got there. knocked on the door, and some dude working at a print shop pulls us inside. his friend would come collect us and take us to the apartment. i looked at dad and screamed NO WAY! i've had enough of people pushing me around all this trip. i just want a place close to the university so i can go and deal with that bitch, rest and stick to the original plans! no way was i getting dragged around a town that has been confusing enough to navigate through all the weird road names and the ever so complicated bus routes. the land lord came 5 mins later and i simply could not bear to go around again. i asked the guy to take us to a nearby hotel, near the university. i wouldn't care how much it costed. i just wanted to drop the weight, the baggage both me and dad were carrying and head over back to the university. after ass kissing this guy as he offered to take us to the hotel, we checked into a hotel. i took both my baggage and my dad's. emptied it in the room, refilled the water, took out some sweets and washed my face, i bolted downstairs where dad was waiting at reception. neither of us needed the toilet due to the state of dehydration both me and dad had. it was close to 5pm when we reached the university. the queues were completely gone now. only some students were waiting there and we saw the secretary head into the romanian secretary office. we waited outside. as someone left that office dad took the opportunity to head inside. i know it was rude, and surely he thought so too, but really we needed to speak to someone. the foreign secretary escorts us outside this office and we speak outside. she informs us that she had been 'looking' for us in four occassions!! i almost laughed in her face - actually if i didn't have my dignity i would have spit-laughed in her face. she did not deserve the role she had, for she was a terrible host. she was the most arrogant bitch i've ever encountered. maybe because of the amount of students she has to deal with, or maybe thats why she had been picked to do the job. regardless, she was awful. she demanded respect where she had given none, and so she does not deserve. waving her hand around, she simply muttered: if the application is ready at the ministry then let your dad return to the uk, and i shall see you in 2 days time where you will have the letter from bucharest and a translated (into romanian) birth certificate. she quickly slithered back into the office not letting me finish - these idiots have not answered me fully. i didn't get a straight answer from anyone. how far off is my application? what the hell does 'ready' mean?!
nothing was definite. dad felt relieved that he had the chance to speak to this woman. i wasn't even slightly relieved. nothing ever goes my way. my low expectations have declined even further ever since i got here. i have no more hope of getting a place here. i was very suspicious of the guy at the ministry of education, and the way this secretary spoke to me did not add up. there was more to this thing, there has to be. my guts are never wrong on such terms.
for the rest of the day we got back to the hotel, spent about an hour at the room to just rest, then headed out for food. i didn't feel like eating anything, but i had to get something. we took bus number 100 to the city mall. it was impressively large. the mall there closes at 10pm unlike the usual closure hours in the uk at 5.30pm.

lost for words

its not that i haven't been blogging, its just that i haven't been publishing. i'm sitting on about 6 draft posts which i can't bring myself to publish. they are just not meant for anyone else but me to see. so what happened?
plans are on hold because of a certain waiting list and my little sister had a car accident on monday. its been overwhelming for me as not only did i have to deal with idiots abusing power where i've been, but also to worry about my little sister. she had an operation yesterday to reposition her leg. both bones in her right leg are broken. you simply cannot imagine the state of chaos the whole family has been in, and surely, i am really lost for words. theres no words that could be enough to describe our state of despair.

romania - weekend

so this weekend we went around to explore the shops in bucharest. heres the low down of whats worth exploring:
piata unirii - for big high street shops like bershka, h&m, new yorker, zara and so on. theres a big carrefour supermarket just a short walk away too making this place an icon. the shops are not many, but they are huge.

shopping heaven <3

politehnica - i love this place! its stunning both outside and inside! if theres anywhere in bucharest i would ever go to, it would be the AFI Palace (pic above), or more like shopping heaven! they have everything, and i literally mean everything including m&s, debenhams, H&M, kotton, so many shoe shops! each floor is categorised, for example, the top floor is for gadgets & toys. the floor below this has children's wear. under that you have the men's wear and on the first and ground floor you have the women's wear. so thats five levels of awesome shops!
lujerului - crap, but if you need a shop similar to a megastore of tesco, this is the place.

romania: day 1

it took me a while to decide to come to romania, bucharest. i did this after all options failed me. i had applied to the ucas system, chose 4 universities, did the relevant work experience and volunteering and ended up with nothing. i then applied through postal mail, researched excessively how to apply to romania, and which universities are best for medical school at a cheap cost - which was one of my issues with uk-based medical schools and decided that constanta is the right way forward. i had posted my application to the ministry of education (as this was the address labeled on the application form) and waited. i had completed all the relevant paperwork including certifying documents, and including a postal order of the admission handling fees. i decided to apply myself as there were so many dodgy websites offering agents to help process your application. these ofcourse costed so much money that made me reconsider the success rate of actually getting a place at constanta. are all the people studying there tied by this spider web of fraud? how would exams be assessed if you could bribe your way into med school? how is all this justified? how can graduating from this place be internationally recognised? how can you be allowed to operate on people knowing that this place is corrupted with people that can be bribed into giving you the grades that you need? what makes you a better doctor than others? how can you know if you have a bribe system here that ensures you get the 'best' grades? how are these people not considered criminals? how are these people allowed to run around, grab all the cash they can get from perspective students, and then students are only to be let down because at the end of the day there is no job waiting for them at the other end of the line? how is all this justified? how is coming here good?
so at first we arrived to the hotel which i must say, is amazing - but terribly placed. its about half a mile from a metro station and the tram system here is crap considering that trams come every half an hour. oh, theres no buses where trams operate, as far as i observed.
the people here generally don't speak english, but having a handy travel book with you really helps. transport is cheap - as long as you avoid taxi cabs!
so after getting to the hotel, having a nice lovely shower i went out to find the ministry of education. i had previously planned a route - walking from my hotel to the ministry, but with all the confusing local roads at the urinii square drove me crazy i decided to take the metro to romana square and then use the main roads to find the ministry... which was situated on a local/minor road.
its worth knowing the work hours of the ministry. as i came on friday.... the office hours ended at 12pm and for others at 2pm.
from mon-thursday, the office hours are usually from 8.30-5.30. on weekends no one works. if you want to call them to query about your application you need to get in touch sometime between 10 and 12pm.
i had arrived at the ministry at 11.40am. i had to wait for someone to speak in english at reception of the ministry of culture as the ministry of education door was barred, literally. after waiting patiently for 15 mins and having no one answering, we walked uo to the security guard, who didn't speak a word of english and demanded to speak to someone.. at this point i was getting annoyed as i didn't think the guard did anything while i waited. time was running out and i only had a few days here to get this sorted. a guy stumbles on my conversation with the guard and offers to help. he spoke english! yay! i explained to him that i had sent my application, tried to fax my query and even telephone the ministry but i had always been turned down as no one spoke a word of english. my faxes weren't even getting through to them as i had received no news as to what has happened to my application. after waiting and waiting, i was  given an extention to dial, i had in turn explained my situation, and was directed to another extention... which was redirected to another individual. when i had began uttering the words medical school admission this guy interrupted, and forcefully said that his office hours have ended, and so he will not discuss my matter today. he demanded that i should come on monday between 10 and 12 to talk. he didn't even let me finish, he didn't even take my details, he didn't even let me speak - he hung up on me. my dad was getting aggrevated at this point as i was slowly declining, sinking into my thoughts, doubts and regrets. i didn't think today would bring any good. i now really beleive today had brought more despair than anything else. i want to do medicine, but not like this - this culture, or unnecessary rudeness offerred by these people was unjustified, i honestly was about to give up. dad said that if this guy answered it means he is still in his office, and there is still hope. the guy that helped us earlier came through reception again and dad took the oppertunity to ask if we could see someone as we didn't really get anywhere from calling them. 10 minutes later a woman comes to reception and tells us to come through with her. dad smiled at me and told me everything would be ok. so we followed this lady, and down the corridor i explained to her my situation. she had said that if its applications i'm talking about then, i should speak to the people in this office, as she got us to this small and crowded office. people were waiting outside but as she went through, so did my dad! i said to my self oh my.. but went with it regardless. at this time it was over 1 hour since we had arrived, and i could understand how dad felt. he wanted some progress with my application as much as i did. the old witt sitting at the desk opposite to the woman who came to us at reception simply said that he was busy and that we should wait outside. dad appologised and there we were outside this office for another 10 minutes. at this time there was a lebanese surgeon - when he heard dad had said that he was a doctor, this guy just wouldn't stop staring at us. i spoke to dad in arabic mentioning how hopeless this feels and this guy started speaking to dad. he first introduced himself in a weird manner - as if trying to network. he was basically network dating - he was wearing all this expensive swag, and had an expensive gift in his hand. i observed the situation as a bystander. i didn't comment, i simply saw and tried to put things in an overall perspective. all i know is that i didn't like this guy - despite offering help/connections with constanta - i didn't like this guy one bit. there was no pleasure in meeting this guy, i felt disgusted that this guy had basically painted a picture with him as the centre of the universe and that with just a phone call he could get me into constanta. i felt like he just wanted to get into that office before us. he just wanted to get in and get out. ofcourse that didn't happen... he got in, got out and lingered in the side. i thought he had left and so i expressed to dad my concern for giving information to this surgeon - i really didn't like it one bit. he had this look of greed, hunger and criminality in his eyes. i wouldn't trust him with anything at all - and i didn't believe a word he uttered. dad on the other hand said we're here so we might as well make the most of what we have, and the people we meet. my gutts were telling me otherwise. i'm a strong believer of justice and this guy was beyond these rules. he was acting as if he was a god or something!
there was also a younger guy who had studied politechnology what ever that is... i thought it was politics mixed with technology.. i dunno. he said that everything here in romania is acheived with money. you bribe and you get. thats how the system works. heck you can even bribe to get your degree certificate without even attending university if you wanted. at this point i knew that we're not going to get anywhere here. talk is cheap and only money would work. nevertheless i told dad - i didn't want this! i didn't come all this way to dish out money like they did in iraq while sadam was in ruling to get things done!
anyway - the wait was over and we went into the office. the guy sitting at the office was an obese, rude old man who lashed out at dad for coming into the office earlier. dad was nothing but respectful but this guy simply did not want to talk about applications. he and dad spoke and leveled with regards to my application and he gave us an address (no directions) and told us to leave. the lady sitting opposite wrote the address and handed it to me. we said thanks and we left the office. outside was the surgeon and the politechnology guy waiting. the surgeon asked as to what had happened and offered to make a phone call to get this thing moving. he asked us to wait for him (we were all in the same corridor outside the office we had just left) the obese old guy comes out of the office and asks: why are you still here? he gave us directions and literally escorted us out of the ministry. on the way he was really making it obvious that he didn't like how dad stumbled into the office and dad was being nothing but humble and polite. this guy on the other hand wasn't. picture this obese guy pushing us out of the corridor into a roadworks hole and dusting himself afterwords. thats what basically happened.
i whipped out my map and tried to figure out where this new address was. we spoke to a few people and they pointed out the directions to us in romanian.... makes no sense, but we went with the first direction offered and so we improvised. after some struggle we found the road, and then the number. at this time i was feeling jet lagged. i had to wake up early the previous day to pack, and then had an 8-hour shift work which i always feel exhausted from when i return home, and then i had only about half an hour to get ready for the flight which was scheduled to travel overnight to romania. i didn't get any sleep on the flight and so i was awake all night, which made me so tired. when it hit 2pm i was relatively a zombie. i couldn't process anything - i just wanted to get back to the hotel and sleep. nevertheless, we had to keep going. we spoke to a lady security guard who i thought kind of understood my french, and so called in someone who spoke english. ironically the guy we stumbled on at the beginning was around and so offered to help! he picked out an extention to dial for 'adrian'. i spoke to this dude on the phone and was redirected to another number, which then redirected to another number that kept ringing with no answer. at this time the security guard had seen a lady come through the doors, called her to speak to us and so we did. she had said that she would check for my application, and so she took my name and asked for when i had sent my application. when she came back she said that my application was ready. i was confused now - what does ready mean? why haven't i heard anything if my application is 'ready'? she had said that they had the paper work and that we should come on monday between 10 and noon to find out more info. we were most certainly not getting anywhere. we called out after this lady, but she just kept going... she returned to her office. we looked at the security guard lady who also frowned like us in confusion and offered us a seat.
a young guy we recognised from the previous ministry building comes up to us. he had said that he deals with applications and so asked what was the matter. we explaned and he said that if the application is ready then all we need is a letter of acceptance. he thought that we applied in person and so he asked for an application number. ofcourse as i didn't hear anything from the ministry about my application, i didn't know of this number. he said his shift has ended and he was meeting a friend at a local restaurant if we wanted we could come and he would discuss matters of how the application works further.
he said that there are over 700 applications, arrived not in august, but at the start of september - when the deadline for applicants had passed. they had a month to sort through these applications and there were still many applications to get through still. i informed the guy that i had applied over a month ago - in fact its almost 2 months since i had sent my application!
he simply said that without the application number he couldn't do anything. during this time this guy and his friend were smoking, like heavy smoking.. the smell was killing both me and dad. the waiter came over and we were forced to order some drinks. i just wanted water as i really couldn't handle anything right now.. anyway, for a good half an hour he was talking about how much work he had and that on monday he would look me up and see if he could get my application number, etc. he can't do anything without my application number. he also mentioned a fee/tax that had to be given for the processing of my application. i had told him that i had included a postal order along with my application to the ministry. obviously, he wanted something himself. it became obvious that this guy was an agent. hhe couldn't talk while he was within the ministry walls but now in the restaurant he was pretty much spilling the beans. after dad exchanged numbers we left. as we were taking about today i couldn't help feel violated, and perhaps even scammed. i dunno.. it sounds like the way the guys work here is based on a network of paid/ bribed agents working in the background to make things happen. it was obvious, there was no work and so there was no money. all these applications are useless unless you bribe people to process your documents. as hopeless as today was, i got a feeling this isn't over yet. and as dad said, we can only hope for the best. little does he know i got very low expectations of any results from this experdition. i really feel crap. the only nice thing about this trip so far had been the beautiful city lights i saw from the plane. they were like neurones, very very beautiful.

faxing abroad

the first rule about faxing on the internet is to make sure that the number you're faxing has to be 10 digits.
problems usually occur when you're trying to fax abroad. what do you do when you have a 13 digit fax number? google ofcourse! sadly google along with wiki failed in this section. there are no free internet faxing facilities for faxing a document abroad. the cheapest i found was with faxsero.com, which came to a total sum of £3.76 or something like that.. it gave me the opportunity to fax either locally, or detecting that the number is too large and so i had to select - faxing internationally. another issue to look out for is the time you send the fax. its preferrable to send the fax during office hours - the earlier you send the fax, the more likely you are to successfully connect. this was the issue i was faced with today - since the office hours end at 2pm in europe it had meant that i had to ensure that i sent my fax before their lunch..... which is my intention tomorrow. i'll have to wake up extra early to ensure the fax is sent successfully? doesn't it make it more convenient for the rest of the world to be able to send out queries whenever at your own convenience? common.. no email address? i'm not impressed :/

putting pieces back together

inspiration: the sole purpose and drive to create something, to become so deeply influenced by something or someone, to be touched at heart by an idea so great that you must fulfil it in some way or form... is the greatest gift anyone could ask for. at the same time, if that inspiration comes from a source so completely unreachable, a goal thats so far away.. well.. it would kill you inside every day of your life knowing that you could never aspire to such grace. i cried while typing this last sentence.

i tell myself insha'allah every day, every time my mind wonders into that endless spiral of my own demise. i can't give up on my dream, but at the same time i have to be realistic, and take opportunities when they show themselves. i have to be alert of whats around me, and i have to focus.. thats the problem. i'm looking into so many different things that i cannot seem to concentrate on a single aim. i tried writing things down.. sure it stops the massive headache i get from thinking about.. everything; but its only a temporary solution and the less likely that i am to get anywhere. prioritising things doesn't really help. there are just so many things i want to do and just not enough drive to pursue the ideas further. they are just great ideas, thats all that they are and until i start doing something about them, thats what they would stay, just great ideas, lost to time. i have to start getting organised, i have to start accomplishing my goals, i have to start getting things done. i need to change the way i think from the impossible, and making things possible. i feel bitter about myself. nothing i aspire to, actually gets fulfilled and i really need to change that. insha'allah. wish me luck.

new artist alliance logo

wohoo i forgot to add this in last blog post :L the artist alliance has a heart! lol get it? i mean literally!

so i did this yesterday - i'm still not convinced.. too girly i know, i feel like i ran dry on ideas dammit i really need to start slapping my hand everytime i click photoshop. i need practise on illustrator! i encountered a problem on photoshop where i had all these nice drawn shapes and paths.... buttt when i tried to merge the paths i got negative or empty areas in the wrong places on my shapes! i tried making moar anchor points but that never helped so meh..i was really annoyed! also, paths were never ever straight lines. you think they're straight but wait till you zoom in x1500 you'll be sorry, you'll be crying at how dodgy and not straight your lines are :L anyways enough of my ramblings... admire the final product above ;D

where to begin?! q_q

so much on my mind aghh

blog post by one pearl button  really opened my eyes about ways to get organised. simply wow...

whats on my mind? well.....

game fest 2011

sickness

sainsburys
volunteering
going abroad

tutorials i need to read

logo design for aa

inspiration for da submission

no more zombies, get over it

sort room - walls, table, floors, storage

need to know where everything is!

sort kitchen - rip out old and stick in the new

get a working environment to learn new stuff - my room needs to be spotless :(

learn illustrator
learn adobe premier
learn after effects
learn sai

camera

lose weight - because like a cactus, i can't seem to lose what i already have

seo work

learn moar about advertising on the internets

read some darn science articles

publish some new content on review science

publish content on artist alliance

get organised, know what i need to do and when to do it

find time to pray

find time for parents

find time for relaxing

review current knowledge

find out about what to do with my degree

this darn cough

attic... is.. heavy... need to de-clutter

wash

aerobics

don't depress over others, get on, focus

paint walls

get paint for walls

feel like you're doing something... & have a target, at least 1

meh..

sleep

getting back a normal sleeping pattern

getting overwhelmed with the list

skipping to the sleep bit

zzzzz....

COUGHHHHHH

zzzzzzz.....

sad face

story of my life.

< insert something appropriate --->

today while i was working mum came over. the look on her face when she approached me as i was code checking.. it was a look of affection, a look of pity, a look of feeling sorry. at that moment i knew she had given up on me going to uni this year.
it almost brought tears to my eyes.. her tone of voice really struck knives down my back. she told me: dad has been speaking to some girls at work, and they advised him on how to land a job there. she asked, whether i'd be interested. of course i'd be interested.. but its kinda obvious, first come, first serve basis was always the case. regardless, i can't get her image, her face out of my head. it has consumed me today, and almost drained me. insha'allah things will work out. insha'allah this struggle will be over soon. insha'allah i'd make her proud someday..

overflow of chaos prevents advances

over the past few days i've been contemplating the idea of making a completely different blog to serve as a review of current science articles... and pretty much anything i find interested related to biochemical research. link: http://reviewscience.blogspot.com/

i have a number of ideas for it but.. honestly? another review blog? moan moar tym? my other.. completely different idea is to resume my graphics work. of course thats a shot in the leg if i decide that its not worth my time. all i know.. is that i want to do many things, and theres just not enough drive to push past the chaos around me at the moment.

the artist alliance sure needs a resurrection.. then again, i just want to concentrate on a single thing and see how it goes.. meh.. so many possibilities :/ a final message to self: 

i need to get myself one of those posters stuck on my plain plain wall.

dream catchers can't catch every bad dream. true story.

lets talk bad dreams. ever had a dream that felt so real you woke up paranoid? confused? wanting to pee really really badly? 3 instances spring to mind lol. one time i dreamt that uhh.... this rooster-human hybrid clan were like the protectors of the earth. for some reason i got caught up in their little turmoil and they had offered me to drink this thing - which looked like was made in a lab... and to join them.. basically.
me, protector of all simply jumped to the idea not considering whether there were other hybrids out there. more powerful/wise and so on. all i wanted to do was help this clan. when i woke up i just thought to myself wtf?! a chicken-hybrid?! stupid birds can't even fly! i remembered that those hybrids were like the chinese calendar animals and were all at conflict and there was me.. choosing a rooster over dragons.. aghh.. dania you should have asked for dragons! you can't help everyone! dammit!
another dream i had was that i was in a hospital or something - its really old, like a hospice or something and i was in training there. i didn't know my way and i was just following instructions by the supervisor i was aiding. so it was getting to the end of the day, and she told me to help her to lock up - of course the windows were open so my instinct told me to close the windows. i did 3 windows just fine, but omg.. the fourth window.. as i approached to close it, i was frozen, literally petrified! i couldn't move anything but my eye lids. i was slowly elevated and remained in mid air helpless. i didn't know whether to be scared, acknowledge that its a dream and turn into a super saiyan and break free or to scream. everything just seemed at a standstill and all i could see was an open field outside this window. gosh i hated myself for being so helpless.. surely closing windows won't spark the supernatural and make them angry? meh.. when i woke up my heart was racing! i couldn't go back to sleep - horrible dream was horrible!
another bad experience was in homebase (gardening and home superstore). there was this green-like goblin following me around. everytime i looked around it had its gaze focused on me and after a few turns, explosives were getting thrown everywhere and the building began to collapse. i ducked for cover behind some isles and decided it was best to head to the out doors since you can get fresh air there. as i crept outside there was this maze... similar to the maze in final fantasy x where you had to solve before meeting yunalesca o_o

but of course.. i couldn't just go through with it so at that point i climbed the fence and headed towards the car park. the store literally was in ruins now, and that green dude was hot on my tail. i get in the car and boom. yeah..sucks. that boom was so loud though i woke up from hearing it.

why on earth am i talking about this? i'm feeling a little grisly after killing one of those big jumpy spiders. u.u;

taking back sunday

seems like all the people around me are depressed. here was me on my free day, i love spending those extra moments in bed stretching before waking up - that was abruptly interrupted by a lot of screaming, shouting, and the reminder of reality: i'm still living with my parents.

after a day of preventing any form of arguments (and failing most of the time.. aghh), rearranging furniture and scrubbing the kitchen sink/work space areas i really need a good game of zombies on black ops! it seems that i always end up with foreign/noobs that don't know how to communicate and survive above level 15. kitchen scrubbing wasn't as bad as i had anticipated. mum had asked me to wash the dishes.. but oh my oh my.. the amount of filth i saw really made me cringe i had to scrub it clean :/ sometimes you have to do what it takes to cheer someone up - i hope that i cheered mum because cleaning the crap out of the kitchen isn't one of my usual chores. in fact since i don't cook, i don't usually linger around the kitchen. its mum's special place and it never feels right invading it in any form o.o since i was scrubbing the skink i thought i might as well concentrate on the area where the washing up is placed, and food is cooked... meh.. 2 hours and 30 mins scrubbing... u.u; .. i'm not complaining; i'm just tired. i can't feel my fingers. i hope mum feels better tomorrow.. i really hope. insha'allah.

whats the point?

whats the deal with muslims celebrating eid on different days? the majority of people celebrated it on tuesday while some mosques decided that oooh no we can't see the moon, the mosque next door lies! ...meh. people begin to fast all on the same day, so why not agree to celebrate eid on the same day? weird world we live in...
it was back to work today for me, and it was so darn busy today.. i confronted... well.. talked to my manager today regarding a list of issues i had over the past week, which was great and all except it seemed like he wasn't really listening and i fear for the worst. as usual, only the crap seems to find its way for me, and nothing good ever seems to come out at all.
i'm finding it really difficult to be at peace when i'm alone. all my regrets, how my hopes and aspirations all seem so far away and i can never ever reach absolution because of so many obstacles in my way aghh. example? the muslim family who were renting our second property, who lived on the council and claimed all sorts of benefits and did not pay rent till the end of every single month (or till dad started tearing his hair) decided to leave the country, unexpectedly. after getting their british citizenship, and claiming all the money from the council, they left for dubai! they not only paid july's rent on the 10th of august, but also didn't pay the 21 days of rent that they lived in during ramadhan! the family were supposedly poor and so were living on the council! they left the house in such a state.. i really cannot wish them anything but curses. they lived in the property for 6 whole years and to be honest.. despite leaving unexpectedly.. i'm also kinda relieved that they're gone. a muslim would never do such a thing. mum said that the money that they took would count as zakat because it most certainly did not come out of their pockets, and the sole purpose of the benefits was to pay for the rent, which wasn't paid so yeah... what can you do? i say let god treat them as they've treated us for on judgement day there will be no mercy for the kafir.
this little mishap ruined all our plans to renovate our 15 year old kitchen. now we'll have to clean up that house, find new tenants and watch our spending because without the money coming from the rent, we cannot afford to go anywhere or even pay for my brother's living expenses at uni. that house being rented was really the only relief we had for the mortgages, bills, etc. and so without it rented, its extremely difficult to do anything. astaghfur allah alatheem.

another example is booking a gp appointment. i needed a health check up to apply for volunteer work - now not only did the clinic not have my details, but i've had to register as a new patient. this meant that my details were to be transferred from nottingham's clinic to here, which is estimated to take as much as 4 weeks! in 4 weeks the flippin position would be filled! i've done a new patient check up but thats just a bs test done by a nurse, which is meaningless to the employers because special tests are needed. aghh! i called them up a week later and they still don't have my records. i'm really not impressed. i've told the employment lady about my situation and she cannot guarantee my place. sucks to be me right now. i can't even secure a volunteer role wtf.

i keep telling myself, that i'm fortunate to have a home, to have a loving family, to have food on the table, to have a job, to have the ability to walk, talk, hear, play, write, and so on but when i'm alone, i can't help getting upset, i really can't.

eid, day 2

whoever said chilling out by doing nothing deserves to be shot. so yesterday i did absolutely nothing - i mean i just slept, killed zombies and slept even more and now i feel so crap. a whole day wasted :L
i got so much to do today dammit heres a list so my head doesn't explode! >.<
wash, book gp appointment, hand holiday letter - get it SIGNED and authorised, get my prescribed antibiotics, sort room, hook up hdd to ssd, configure hdd, change bed covers, stick junk on ebay, take nutrition pills and destroy/replace junk food.... hoover the whole house, reinstall adobe software package, read journals, get some books from library, find a place for my man-made mountain of shoes/converse, rearrange the wardrobe (i currently have no idea where everything is...)
yeah i'll need to wake up early then, nite nites

Eid Mubarak

first of all, i just wanted to wish all my readers a lovely, peaceful and prosperous eid and a wonderful year to come. why haven't i posted in the past month? one word: busy. i've changed my contracted hours at work from a mere 16 hours on weekends, to a full time hard core 39 hours. the perks i get from this include being in the bakery, freedom to take my break when i need to, do an active job - challenging both my mind and (fingers crossed) shifting the body mass. speaking of which.. i can't believe i didn't lose any weight while fasting during ramadhan! perhaps it was related to the time i ate.. 3am seriously doesn't make you lose weight, especially when you break the fast about 8.30. there simply isn't any activity between these two times, and with work consuming the day, when i get home, all i want to do is hit the bed.

what i found impressive was that i could go on my day and still be active regardless of how hungry/thirsty i was. i was honestly expecting problems to occur, but alhamdu'allah i was fine throughout the month.

for my sister's birthday treat, the whole family went to bournemouth. yes! sandy beach ftw! but.... 2 weeks later, we find out that she caught chicken pox! this not only meant that she couldn't fast with me, but also that she had to deal with all the symptoms associated with the plague. 2 weeks later, brother comes home to help out clean the rented house, and on his second day, he develops chicken pox (his second time getting the disease). after wiki reading and research, we all know that pox affects adults more severely.. and this truly showed on his face, back and front. i just want him to get better, i've never seen him this ill all my life its really sad. when am i gonna get it? alhamdu'allah i didn't get the disease despite my frail immune system, at least i hope i don't get it in the coming weeks.. the incubation period varies from person to person so for all i know, it could be cooking right now as i blog (eek..)

*sigh* i need to blog

so much has happened over the last 2 weeks but lets start with whats on my mind - family. the definition of family  is pretty much summed up as: a group of people considered close to you, who you care for, and somewhat care for you in return. a group of people could be anyone. for me, my friends at uni as well as my housemates were like a second family for me, they are the people i spent my time with, and they are the people that i went to when i needed something, and yes, they also did the same so it was cool. now i'm back home, with my family i see that ... ok.. well, i'm no longer the centre of attention anymore.. yeah u.u; my little sister is getting all the attention, and perhaps i'm finding it a little different being just another household.... adult. maybe i'm being a little funny about this because i didn't get the same benefits as my sister is getting? maybe i'm just such a strong believer of justice, equality and fairness that i'm finding the extra love given to my little sister.. perhaps unnecessary, or quite unfair.. i dunno.. its complicated.
now, the family i had at uni consisted of two groups of lovely ladies who i really enjoyed hanging around with. not only were they funny, but also complemented my style of living: no late parties, or alcohol, had strong judgement and common sense of right and wrong, and were great listeners. so, it puzzles me when one of these friends, decided to end such a strong friendship using the oldest and dirtiest trick in the book - perhaps its an english only book for i've never ever heard of this behavior from anyone else. ironically, the girl in question herself had told me this dirty trick, or agenda if you could call it as advice for how to end a friendship. it sucks recalling the situation so i'll keep it short, if you know what i'm talking about then you know, if you don't, then don't ask. its a betrayal in the most horrible way imagined, and coming from a good friend of mine - you could imagine how betrayed i felt after that day. regardless, if someone went to all this trouble to lose a friendship, perhaps its for the best for both of us that i no longer speak to them for i would never do such a thing and would expect nothing less of a friend. life's unexpected surprises come in all shapes and forms, i guess this was just another one of those things that will go down as crap history to forgive and forget!

face masque

zombie? lololol xD

so i have it on, and i can't form any expressions.. what is this?!i can't move my mouth, i can't itch my forehead oh its so weird applying a face masque - blogging this because its my first EVER face masque application. ooh tingly now - i think thats the mint/green tea working now. it smells so nice too - love how its all organic :3 hopefully this mask will treat my itchy/acne skin to settle it in time for graduation day :3 fingers crossed! and LOL i make a great scary zombie hahahaha

needz moar powaa

to lift things. i went to hull today. i laughed so hard at mum's expression when she heard of my plans for today, which at an unexpected series of events, worked smoothly. i woke up late, of course, but blame that on my extra curricular activities, i.e. zombie slaying.

nevertheless, i improvised - ended up in the train station in time for my train. hull is such an easy town centre to navigate to! there are 2 shopping malls (at least i discovered 2...) and 2 high streets: the old and the new, which are somehow interlinked by an ally way making it so convenient! theres a market there too but i didn't go deep into the old town centre. today my objectives were to find something for graduation - oh and i tried nike lunar swift 2+ and lunar glide + - they were both super comfy but i prefer lunar swift as it was lighter and better fitting - plus the colours were amazing but i still find that new balance 1026 pair that i found in TKMaxx by far were much better quality, durability despite being slightly fugly.

nike lunar swift 2+ score: 8/10 too expensive

nike lunar glide + score: 7/10 too expensive but pretty o_o

new balance 1026 - these babies own! score: 9/10 fugly but amazing fit & support

i bought new smart shoes, the amazingly fitted smart trousers from warehouse, and 'basic' (probably referring to the design, its a little common imo) but amazing in quality shirt that complements any smart trousers very well - it looks so good, even better than my monsoon and miss n smart tops! i'm very happy with it :3
i also found amazing skinny jeans in stone white/ dimmed white colour that i have been eyeing for a while in the H&M store but i found in better quality at Zara, i think its cheaper too. i also bought a planner for next year from paperchase, a mask to exfoliate my face, which has been lighting up like a christmas tree full of bumps and lovely acne.. i dunno whats going on, perhaps because of the amount of travelling i've been doing? maybe because i've had less green tea, theres been more breakouts? i haven't been applying any makeup, so that isn't the problem... hmm. also my hand rash returned.. i did spaghetti yesterday, and i had steam cooking my hand causing it to become sensitized. considering the fact that i have sensitive hands, this sensation turns into dermatitis - g'dammit!
i think i broke the bank today, seriously... my weekend's money earned, went poof today ;_; time to retreat into shopping hibernation....
i started bodyrocking today - first exercise: transform your booty workout. it wasn't as bad as zuz made it sound.. i was doing the forms properly, without weights though since i'm a beginner, sweated a little... i don't feel like it did much :L meh.. i'll be doing another tomorrow along with weighing and sorting out my fridge, eating my fruits.... and yeah. i think i may go town tomorrow, i mean nottingham, well, maybe... because i really want the blazer to complement the trousers i bought regardless of the fact that it doesn't look great.. i need something that matches and the price on this baby is just too hard to resist. i'll probably get skipping rope too - but thats it! i'll be walking it there too insha'allah :3 exercise exercise exercise! i think my body is finally lean enough to carry out some fat exorcism LOL i don't get tired from a whole day's walking anymore, i need extra things to cause pain and suffering to fat.

leftovers and a change of heart

frikin donuts...

today's work was annoyingly stressful and chaotic. the MAC man came in (he checks all 'tagged' products listed as high priority in the store and then anything that isn't available will go permanently on the store's performance report). just my luck, today the only items that weren't produced (at the time of his jolly and completely unexpected assessment) were the frikin donuts that i had in the oven. because they weren't on the shop floor ready for customers, i got scrutinized by the lovely regional manager. ahh when i heard that my performance was 'unacceptable' the first thing that popped into my head... well you could perhaps understand how i felt considering the fact that i've never met this manager, and somehow rudeness oozed out of their email. i asked my  team leader that perhaps i should apologize? write an email reply, to explain what had happened? i don't know.. i took it personally considering the fact that i'm always aiming for the best, working swiftly, and delivering great sales each weekend. everyone seems satisfied, even the staff that cover the shift the following day, or visit the bakery while i'm in, or after i had left... i make sure everyone is happy with my performance. i communicate and make sure everyone is fully aware of my objectives - that's how i roll. it felt natural that i should reply back, but obviously that could look bad on my team leader, and so i just went on with my day. it was so annoying though, the moment that you start your shift, a slap from a stranger comes your way, and ruins the rest of the afternoon. what would drive someone to such capacity to hate on another, when they have never even seen or spoke, or had the pleasure to meet you?

the only sound explanation is: its easier to hurt someone when they are not in the same room.

this is applicable to emails. its easier to make judgments, flame and backbite when you have no idea who you're referring to. perhaps it would have been better if my team leader not showed me the email, maybe i wouldn't have taken this manager's choice of words so seriously. what gives this manager the right to hurt another? what gives this manager the right to ruin someone else's day? i guess some people just never learn to empathize or have the etiquette to respond in a civilized manner. :(
it was fairly clear today that most people knew i was leaving soon, and so questions about my studies, future and so on pooled on me the entire time. considering that i have no plans, or more like, my plans were ruined.. i couldn't face up and tell people about how much i'm regretting every moment because of my disappointing results. it took every strength in my face muscles to keep the tears away. how can i be reduced to this? astaghfur allah alatheem...
i got home, and i switched on the music so loud, i could hear it all the way in the kitchen lounge, i screamed, i sang, and danced off this horrible day. then i realised, its not over. it can't be over. i reflected on some stories of other students who had a similar disappointing experience with their results, and a glimmer of hope came back. if these people could do it, why can't i? i'm so much better, i've got the interest, the talent, and i've never been so sure in my life about something other than this. i have to do it. i have to get it. now that i finally know that i passionately care about this, i have to do it. i can't just put my plans on hold because of my frikin grades, i have to do it.

shopping, exploring and uhh....

teeth whitening. i come here today, firstly because i am extremely uncomfortable wearing these 'miracle workers' crest 3d white strips. not only am i burping whitening-flavored... burps, but also, i can't close my mouth, they feel so weird!! no i'm not taking pictures because they look frikin ugly and disgusting!

aghh they are so disgusting..

why did i choose to do this? simple, graduation. despite how i am regretting everything this year, i want to set things right, or at least some things.. one of those are my teeth. if you know me, you'd know i love to smile and so i feel like this is an important step to getting myself back.. in a sense. no more depressed dania, time to be confident, no more regrets, no more feeling worthless, hopeless and out of touch with reality - i guess i just want to improve. over the past weeks i have spoken to so many people and given so much wonderful advice i don't know why i'm not following it myself! i need to listen to myself, so yeah. this week i have been travelling, exploring cities of the north of nottingham such as leeds, sheffield and derby. i have to say, i really liked derby's shopping centre 'westfield' its huge, spacious and has all my favorite shops.

awesome shop is sooo awesome! <3

i really loved the fashion in bershka - oh my oh my, i think this was the first ever store that i went into, and i spent at least an hour flicking through their wonderful fashion. they were all so wearable! i really liked their tshirts and how affordable everything was! it was amazing, even the staff were amazing, this is one shop i will revisit again and again, even if i have to go oxford street to see it!
eghh just took off the whitening strips. not only do they look gross but taking them off also looks gross. i hate the after-taste of whitening in my mouth. i don't know how i'm going to sleep tonight having half of what i had in my mouth, now lingering my stomach. i'm very very disturbed by these whitening strips. plus, it doesn't look like they did anything at all :L
back to my exploration - the city that i really found was architecturally stunning has to be sheffield. their town centre was a little difficult to navigate to, but i really enjoyed strolling (blindly) through the streets in my quest to find the shops! the moment that you step out of the train station you're welcomed by a beautifully designed  and complex fountain spanning the front of the station in different levels, reflecting the hills and breadth of sheffield. i found it very inspiring. the city looks very beautiful with the contrast of modern and archaic buildings - it really looks like a pretty place to live in.
so leeds, what did i think of leeds... well, it was a little further away than sheffield, and despite the popularity of the place by so many people i couldn't really agree. the shops were indeed spread out and i found the extra walking quite rewarding - but somehow it reminded me of nottingham, or to be more precise... a downgrade version of nottingham - i kinda prefer nottingham. with regards to sheffield's town centre shopping experience, i also prefer nottingham as it has way more shops, at a closer proximity and also easier to navigate to.
ofcourse, i took pictures but atm its kinda late to go through them, edit and upload them on here, so pics should be coming soon :3