Revelation into how people become impressionable and grumpy.

I woke up this morning with a sour feeling in my stomach and answers to questions I have been asking myself about people's attitudes for so many years. Without experience I suppose it's really hard to grasp or understand how people turn out the way they are, but with a little insight.. You can see through a keyhole why people are the way they are.

Why are my neighbours always copying us?! 

Believe it or not,  people who have lost their way,  or have not found their purpose are very impressionable. When they find a figure who seems to have an initiative or has their life put together, they become like a shining beacon of hope and aspiration. 

Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there that don't have a reason for existence and that makes them incredibly anxious and prone to being influenced by other people.  Such is life. 

Why are people so grumpy? What made them this way? 

People turn sour when they are no longer happy with what they have. Perhaps they didn't get the most out of their job or education that for whatever reason.. Nothing makes things better for them. These people used to be hopeful, they used to be some of the nicest people you would ever meet.. However over time,  a wall is built between hope and expectation. 

Depression has a huge factor on how people live their lives, and it can be so harmful and contagious in the workplace. Ask yourself if you are happy where you are, if you are surrounded by people who inspire you to be better, to have a purpose in life greater than just existing to provide for the family.. If there are gaps in your life, try to think of ways to steal your life around, and make it better for yourself and others. 

Ok ranting is over. 

Finding your feet, not yet the ground

It's been a long time since i made a post. today i just like, i really needed to write.
so much has happened the past 2 years and i just can't help but wonder how different things were years back. i feel like i had lost so much time. i don't regret my choices but looking back, so much has changed.
i was listening to a conversation today, and before i knew it.. i found myself thinking about my dad, how he must feel at this moment in time. i can't imagine anyone else going through what he is going through but for this particular moment i felt that the people having the conversation knew exactly how he felt.
strangely enough, i kind of related to it too.

the dark days

today i had to give a notice, and provide an end date with the nursing home. its been really nice and all, but everything has to have an ending. sooner or later my time will be consumed with other priorities and so i have to keep on top of things. its always bitter when you end a good journey, it leaves a sour remain in the hearts of the people looking after you. perhaps its a feeling associated with letting those people down somehow by stepping down, or perhaps its just the reality that you've been shielded from simply by going about your day. its not always so green and wonderful on the other side, more than often its a complete disappointment.
nevertheless, its always good to make the most of what you have left. look beyond the bitter in people's hearts and care for whats really important, your significance, and how to become a better person. its never good to hear negative feedback, however its always better to take this on and use it as a challenge to get better.
i never thought i'd ever have to look after elderly! then again here i am, doing it and enjoying it strangely enough! despite this, i look at what i'm doing and somehow feel bad for myself. i know i deserve better, i know i am worth so much more, i should be treated so much better.. but this road, i chose to go with it. now i'm here i have to see it through, its not a chore, its a miracle i'm still here and carrying on. i've never been so proud of myself ever in my life. this feels right and the obstacles i have to endure, i know will only make me stronger.

blown out of the window

s small relief to a challenging month

there is this thing called 'necessities' and theres this other thing called 'MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE'
today they were merged. after quickly taking a peek at my pay slip, i sighed with relief for i've been waiting for this pay day very very patiently. not to say the least i splashed out today. lets.. call it an investment in the good future. i prefer to place my money into good use, so for today, i hope i've done the right thing, for me. i hope that i will truly benefit from this..

insha'allah

this is all halah money, its money i've earned through helping people and its the sweetest gift, or like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.. ehh i'm making it sound like its a lot.. its not really.. its tiny compared to what others with my degree are getting.. but at least i know its a money well deserved, its all i need right now

alhamdu'allah

inconsistent yet provocative

stone sour

day 2 has been a complete inconsistent, some people think they can get away with things while others believe that they could be ever so responsible that allow me to do nothing. everything that happens would inevitably come down to the fact that i have not had my induction, or uniform, or training to allow me to carry out my role.
nevertheless things will fall into place eventually and i should really draw my concern away from work issues to more prevalent and important aspects of my life that would inevitably affect my future. i have to tread carefully and concentrate on whats really important, everything else will be ignored. inner peace really has its down falls, you have to pick your battles carefully, and kindness has to be out of everything you do, doesn't matter who you're dealing with, everyone is human and so deserves to be treated equally, no matter how much of a dumb ass you think they are. important thing is that you're there and you can make a difference in someone else's life, be it hell, or for the better.
speaking of concentrating on important bits - i need to get back to exercising regularly. for the sake of my sanity and others'! today i found myself bored to death with conversations about 'cute pets'. despicable time-wasting and empty conversations about nothing. whats worse, its between middle-aged women... common there has to be more interesting things to talk about. hey how about the NHS strike? will you be striking your foot in your boss's mouth and calling it a bank holiday? oh its on the 10th of May - have fun. please save me from this place and these people :/

the 'perfect' time

so true...

it doesn't have to be perfect, but its time well spent. following the whole gazillion things i've been doing over the past months i found this week really event-less.. i actually miss keeping my mind busy and preoccupied with interview preparation, going to work every morning and simply enjoying the amount of walking i achieve every single day.
i bought myself some work clothes this week, tried them on and moaned at the figure staring at me in the mirror. typical.
i've also been hibernating for longer periods of time in bed. that needs to change with next week's schedule so close.. dania has to get organised. i need to hire a tutor or somehow come up with a working method of refreshing my memory. its not like i'm not reading (looks at lil sister) i've just been reluctant to do anything significant.. maybe its because of the injury, or maybe its because of my poor attempt at the assignment, ehh. i need to work on that and make the change i've been so desperate for :(
i can't say i'm looking forward to work, i think it will just be another typical 'caring' environment but still, i have to get organised. i only have a few weeks left to improve.. and i have to get better, theres no other way around this huge time-consuming hurdle... lucky me, moar shit to sort through.

waiting for the string to break

how do you teach an old cat new tricks?

suspense. its there, the long wait for what you know is going to happen. the time you know when all things fall apart, fall into chaos, fall into pieces. time stands still yet somehow still moving. the force that drives the order is crumbling right under your fingertips and knowing this, fumes you with anger, with rage. you were so much better back then, and you ask yourself: where did it all go wrong?
perhaps you knew it was all going to turn out this way, perhaps you wanted to see for yourself, perhaps you thought you were stronger than you really are. you now feel heavy, weak and powerless, unable to react strong enough or fast enough, to make a change, and escape. you crave for a glimmer of happiness, but the darkness, the guilt will always haunt you; like a shadow or a scar, it will never leave you. its too late to panic, its too late to be hopeful, things simply did not go the way you planned. emptiness, hurt and self pity fill your heart. you're not only angry at the world, you're also angry with yourself. nothing matters any more, nothing will ever fill the void you've created. nothing will fix your past.

I just watched Gray's Anatomy and it really got me thinking, I've been so stupid - i hadn't been thinking properly back in my younger years... i had no one to guide me at all, sure i'm amazing at art but where did it get me? i've wasted so much time... so much effort on meaningless pieces that i can simply shred to pieces! why on earth did i bother with art? what good did it do to me? i feel like it has destroyed my future. i'm torn between art and science, and i shouldn't be! and with that, i have developed so much hate for how things have turned out. knowing what i know now, i want to make a change to someone else's life, my little sister. it hurts knowing that no one was there for me to do the same, but i have to be the sword, i have to break this vicious cycle and be it if i get hated in return, in the end i know i've done what i can to change her future. i don't want her to turn out the way i did. i don't want her to struggle like i did, i don't want her to go through all the things i did and will be doing. i have to be that change for her sake, for her happiness in the end.

Old habits die hard

my focus for the past 2 weeks has been in shambles. who ever said you can do it overnight is a damn liar. how on earth can one expect to finish at all? nothing seems to have gone the way i had planned, of course nothing ever does! what am i supposed to do now? roll over and die? no way - i'm in this for the long run. i have to do my best and i have to keep my faith. i can do this. i know i can. 

i let the worst get the best of me, and i can't ever do that again. never again. i could feel my insides crying out in rage - my head immensely hurting, my muscles aching, my stomach burning, my breath all shallow and my poor tired self just unable to take on all this weight. can i really handle all this? i can't doubt myself. i have to have faith - i can't rely on life to become better, i have to somehow find the strength to fight through this obstacle. i cry as i type this for i know i am so much better than this. despite my state of mind and body, i have to face my fears, embrace whats yet to come and improve. this cannot happen again. this state of old habit has to die. there is no other way.

moar life & skates

so today was the last day of work experience. i have to say that without those amazing people, i would have probably combusted a long time ago. its amazing how when you're about to lose control and someone comes in and offers you a saving hand, its very inspiring and i will always treasure the experience gained from this work throughout. valuable lessons were learned and i can actually say, i'm proud of myself. i never thought i'd embark on such an amazing route, and a steep curve of a completely different learning experience, for once in my life, i can actually say to myself: you did good.  alhamdu'allah alatheem

i really feel like i need to get back to skating, today i did megaz0r research on the best inline skates to get considering that my £15.00 pair destroy my feet everytime i use them. besides, i don't actually know where i've put them LOL
so, i found a reasonable pair, at a somewhat reasonable price, from france! insha'allah this year i can better myself in other ways too, i really hope to get back into skating, i really enjoyed it when i was younger, and i continue to long to do so again. this pair is an investment and a promise to myself, as well as an award for all my hard work. i feel like i deserve a different type of destressor, and i hope that i'll make friends who share my passion for skating too on the way. heres the pair i bought:

K2 CELENA 2011 90mm skates

comfort, speed and design really grabbed my attention in this beauty, and considering that there was only one size left, i took the honours of claiming it mine :3 insha'allah it will be as good as it has been rated, i really want to get back into skating. i'm so excited!

truth from fibs - not an easy judgement call

yesterday has been eye opening in so many ways. i know i was supposed to be shadowing but honestly, i found it more useful choosing the people that had seemed competent at doing their role than to follow others i was assigned to. regardless of whom i was shadowing, i needed to learn. i took matters to my own hands, after all i need to get on with the job soon enough and the more perspective and opportunities i had the better. allow giving a resident a spa bath, i was really more interested in how to deal with difficult people, and i made that my own aim for the day.
i dodged a falcon punch and an elbow attempt from a lady with broken mood swings. multiple personality disorder might be at play but honestly, i was lucky.. i could have been beaten up! that lady knows how to punch O_O; all that just for assisted personal care. meh.. to be honest i would have done exactly the same thing if anyone violated my personal space. i feel somewhat offended because i completely valued her dignity and treated her in the most professional manner yet at the same time i know that i shouldn't judge, its her illness causing her to really act this way. aghh difficult much?
later on i spent 30 mins with a resident who really needed someone to talk to. i've been told i give great advice to others, this was my opportunity to use my skills to make someone feel better. even though i had never been in a similar situation to what the resident had described, i could somewhat picture exactly what my instincts would make me do, and i was able to reassure the resident and perhaps even mend a broken friendship which is always a good thing :) screw shadowing for the moment! i spoke to one of the nurses to see if they would check up on the resident and they simply said - she might have been dreaming! oh dear how do you tell the difference between truth and fibs? can the resident truly be telling the truth? she seemed upset enough, she needed someone to talk to, and i offered that listening ear... ehh i hope that whether it was true or not, she is feeling less lonely and indeed more at peace.
later in the evening i was faced with another resident who truly believed that all the 'caring' we're providing was just a game. he wanted to 'play' along, make scenarios and i have to say, the stuff coming out of his mouth were so baffling i couldn't stop laughing. i'm sure he's trying to humour the moment too, make his living more interesting so to speak. though unbuttoning the lower half of his shirt was nothing to be funny about, whether he was testing our witts or playing with our tolerance levels God knows, it was funny as hell though. it didn't help the fact that he was wearing a pad, LOLOLOLOL ok evilness aside, yesterday was one awesome day. i learned so much w00p w00p. oh and i passed manual handling on saturday! gratz pour moi :3

who's going to save the world tonight?

today has been like living in someone else's life.. i woke up from a dream of watching myself skydive... without a parachute, diving through the air saving someone while grabbing something that i had lost before my jump (off the plane).. ehh i wasn't scared, i wasn't in pain, i wanted to grab this one thing, which i did and resumed to diving towards that person... i can't tell if that was a boy/girl but meh.. i guess that didn't really matter at the time.
went to work experience, helped out where i can, made a few phone calls, ate lunch, helped out a lil more on computers and called it a day. on my way back i went to a bookshop called 'the works' they had many items on sale, and bought myself a lovely 3-in-1 book about life, i dunno i guess i need a new perspective. i need advice on how to cope with people in a difficult position, and really i just wanted something that i could learn from on the train to and from work. i got myself another edition of the theories book - i really liked the science version so i decided to take the theories explained version too. its an awesome book that introduces you to complex science concepts.. awesome awesome stuffies :D
is it weird that i am seeking advice from books? i hope not..
i was speaking to this lady who does agency work, shes got 19 years of experience and was telling me about her likes and dislikes about care. i found the conversation highly insightful and very reassuring. at least i know i'm on the right tracks :3 just that little boost of confidence from someone with experience helps so much, and kinda motivated more to carry on with what i'm doing. lovely day - unlike tomorrow which i fear is going to be so demanding on me both mentally and physically. i started making record of my steps on my ipod today. i did a total of 6000 steps today (excluding the walking around done at work) my day target is 10000 steps woo xD
hopefully tomorrow's steps would be slightly more considering i'll be going all over the place insha'allah... so to speak.

alhamdu'allah

crazy crazy insane and overwhelming >.< i passed assessment today for hca and spoke to a manager about my double ended offer deal at the hospital and they've said that if i don't accept one then i am ok to go through with the interview. a relief yet more panic on my plate to be honest.. i came home and slept like a sleep deprived grizzly to only wake up to the sound of my phone ringing. so the nursing home decided to make me a full time offer where i get to work both in assisted living and the dementia unit. crazy that the manager actually remembered our conversation when i first started, and even more crazy now i have to choose!!! dammit dania ok i'm feelin the love but what the hell?! i feel like a job offer slut somehow with me hogging offers on every end xD but in all seriousness i can't be the only person going through this kind of situation, surely this happens in all business sectors, it just takes time to develop the necessary skills and experience.
looking back in november i was desperate to hear something, anything from all the places i had been applying to and now.. ehh its a struggle of deciding what is the best option to go for.

i can't say this enough:

alhamdu'allah alrahman al'atheem!!!

 all this work is making me question myself even more, how does this make me a competent individual? how does all this work contribute to my drive and motivation? how do i know its the right path for me? with so many choices i feel privileged but at the same time, trapped in indecision and doubt. i need to speak up about all this but patience in people is wearing thin, and i can completely understand this. its tough and really, its my life at the end of the day. no one can tell me how i live it.. i have to learn to cope, i have to understand myself better and i have to know whats best for me to enable me to be better at helping others... ehh if that makes sense.

sleep tym :/ 3am woo~ ... =_=

one offer, two offers, three... oh shi~

what to do?

today i got a reply from the physio guys about the paperwork.. but i also happen to be selected for assessment as a hca in another department. problem now is... i really wanted that hca role, but the physio role is actually quite rare. i'm stuck, i don't know whether to say yes to physio or apply for hca and hope for the best x.x

either way it would look bad... considering both roles are within the same damn hospital ahh!!

so much so much to do, it seems that all my hard work is finally catching up to me, in an invasion of all free time kind of way too.. i'm no where near the right state of settlement to begin to organise my time.

will need to think more about this in the morning :L for now, its bed tym..zZ

confessions of the heart

i wish the heart was an open book

first of all, happy valentines day. its been a crazy and manic week of complete and endless work. i have had absolutely no breaks.. so much so.. its 5.51am as i am writing this - its literally the only time i have to myself. i caught up with tv: house, greys anatomy, gossip girl, once upon a time, and grimm. obviously not all in 1 night but still - i haven't been watching as much as i usually do, a change really, a good change.
i keep saying its difficult, in reality i might be over-complicating my life. its quite simple, get the experience, reflect on it and nothing else. everything else can wait.
i still haven't heard back from the physio guys.. and i'm really starting to get concerned. tomorrow is a game of chasing tails and tying loose ends. at least i hope to do that.. its been affecting my mood greatly as i thought everything would be all done and organised by february, yet still.. i am no where where i need to be. perhaps thats whats making it difficult, things don't come easy, things don't like to be organised and people most certainly don't like being forced to do work.

i had 2 sessions of shadowing with the nursing home and i think i did ok.. for a complete amateur that is.. i have to get better though. things definitely are not easy.. i just wish i'd started sooner, perhaps i wouldn't be looking at myself twice.. to reassess what i have and what i should have... ehh i'm no where near where i need to be. slacking on the job hunt is not helping either. with how busy i've been these days i have barely had any time to search. perhaps less watching tv and more job hunting? wheres the time for revision then? i would need to completely remove my computer from my room for any reading to be established... my computer is like a magnet for creativity, and not very biotechnology-friendly. x_x

blown away

does dementia mean the end?

conversations stirred from talking about interviews to talking about experiences in care. today i found myself looking back at what i've learned and comparing it to what a lady at work had previously experienced. nothing can really prepare you for what you'll have to do when you care for someone with a mental disorder. their thoughts and perception is so.. completely unpredictable as any sane person locked away, and yearning to get out. i wouldn't want to be in this position which lead me down a path of thinking about what i would do if i was ever diagnosed with dementia, how would i react? would i want someone to really look after me? knowing that i could be a threat as well as a burden both to myself, my family and friends?

the obvious answer is no - i would look through research, discoveries and the preventative measures currently available and assess whether its worth staying 'alive'. in other words, i would rather end my life than live as a burden on somebody else. i would gladly take my life because thats the logical answer.

pain on the family might be temporary or long term, but with love all around it would only bring people even closer together, and soon they would heal, together. my life is insignificant. its probably why i take so many risks.. not that i am some sort of person running around with a death wish, but i do it for myself. life is too short, its worth living it if you try.

'caring' is not a personality, its a quality earned through experience - i might not show that i care, but in all honesty, i am doing everyone a favour by showing how i care in other ways to whats normally considered... traditional. caring is over-rated anyways.

fine touches to design & snow fight

Snowing today c:

today has been really mellow i woke up to a snow fight which just lasted merely 10 minutes (pathetic forfeit by my sister) followed by an awesome hot shower, hair trimming and chilling out to relaxing music while editing the layout of my blog - i've decreased the space taken up by the header and moved the adverts to the side column only - a major improvement to the use of space, and wonderful flowing of images stacked on top of each other. i also added the blogger navbar at the top of the page to make things easier for both me and others to use. problem is now i feel guilty. i shouldn't be relaxing - not when i have so much to do x__x
next things on my list of things to do is clear up my desk and get some revision done. bleh.. sundays are not the same anymore :(

moar will powr and hard at work

walking in the cold, alone next to a motorway :( the only bad bit to a wonderful week

the past week has been incredibly intensive - not only was i subjected to a completely new environment, but i've also had to endure... so... much! despite feeling overwhelmed, i honestly can't stop smiling. all those things that i thought i'd never get to learn, well... i'm learning them. life skills essential both to myself and others. i feel like i belong, i have a purpose and far more whole than ever before. i don't care what others think of me or what the hell is dania doing its so completely unlike her... or is it? eh wheres my dania and what demon have you unleashed on this world?

all thats important is that i can reflect on what i learned and smile. 

i have a long road ahead, but for the first time in months... i feel like i'm one step closer. i can look back and say to myself, yes, you've done good. this feeling not only ignites motivation, but invites new knowledge and life experiences. i have no idea whats around the corner and i'm constantly looking to find out.

alhamdu'allah wa alif shukur jazeelan! alhamdu'allah :)

Talk more..

despite the wonderful week i've had, theres really quite a lot of things to do - i received a reply for the J volunteering and i need to attend their interview.. i really want to start training with these people because it will radically jump-start my experiences and without them i don't think i have a slight chance of improving my cv - so they are crucial in my to-do list. i have to impress no matter how difficult it might be. problem is they are super picky about people.. i have to be so damn good, irresistible entirely!
i have an extra session at this nursing home that i also need to complete.. paperwork really drags :/
my adviser needs to be informed of recent successes and changes in life.. theres so much happening that i can barely keep myself bored LOL
revision also needs to get serious.. i keep lecturing my sister about how its important to start revising early and theres me... not listening to my own advice - why dendoona why? =_=
mum suggested that i should get a car - i don't see that happening any time soon. theres no space in the driveway and i certainly don't want to start paying all those expenses that come with having a car. i can endure the weather, i can organise my time and i can definitely survive life's challenges. i have to do it for the sake of whats yet to come. everything i do, i have to do with purpose and good reason.

kill me now

why does everything have to be so complicated?

day 2 of training at this nursing home and all i keep thinking is, what the hell am i doing with these idiots? i keep telling myself shut up and get on with it. if i want the experience then i will have to endure the ridiculous-ness that i've got myself into. i have to learn, i have to be able to deal with a wide range of people. i've done it before and damn right i can do it again, and again if i really have to!

patience with the oldies and embrace the noob that you are in this... eh who am i kidding.

i spoke to this amazing manager in the dementia unit and she said i can do some shadowing there (eventually letting me work there too) and i thought O YEAH YOU GO DANIA MOAR IS GOOOD (i hope... at least that its good) ..uhh she was grinning at me, i hope thats in a good way... why do i feel like i'm in too deep?

the walk to this place is dreadful - i have to cross motorways, dual carriage ways, risk my life next to super fast traffic for 40 mins, while on the other side its completely deserted, no houses... just open fields, battling body-numbing freezing weather and the urge to just turn back. i can't flippin turn back its just day 2! agh! i wish i had a car! at least i wouldn't have to walk this long. i hate the pitty other employees have given me knowing that i have to walk. why on earth did they accept me? why in the devil did i accept them?!

my advice to self: shut up and get on with it. better now than never.

one door closes and two open

freedom of choice always has a compromise

I couldn't be more right! i was unsuccessful today at getting the job at london.. but the physio guy got back to me today just as i was leaving work experience and the dude had good news for me! i have been offered a job! YES YES YES! thats 2 jobs now.. a full time and a part time weighing on my shoulders and i have to choose one of them :(
both are essentially good, fruitful and have some really nice people there. the care home is like a female infested ground and the physio is just... i dunno.. it seems a little too admin-related. i need the experiences and they both seem good... agh i hate choosing! the care home ladies were amazingly flexible with me about the hours, and i could actually see myself doing the role but at the same time the physio is just one of those rare jobs.. you get to see so much.. ahh i think i should choose physio. logically i would benefit more from this.. but i really don't know any of the specifics for this job role. maybe its what i need to really start a career.. it seems so different to what i intended to do, or was hoping to do - still i've yet to experience the wrath of hospitals.. i hate choosing.. why cant i have both? :( actually maybe thats a poor decision.. maybe.. i don't know.. i need more information.

i can't decide whether i should be happy or sad about these news.. still 2 job offers are better than none and i honestly am finally glad that employers are finally taking me seriously. though, i don't want to choose between them! can't i have both? big decisions to be made and not enough time to do them. regardless i want to continue my volunteer work though i got a feeling theres nothing more that b can teach me. i've pretty much done so much background reading that when i asked b for advice she gave nothing more than what i already know. perhaps because a volunteer is not expected to act on life-threatening scenarios? most likely but still, its worth having an ally in the field, at least shes been there and has done this before.