Such a disappointment

so earlier this year i had all these wonderful ideas, the feeling of uncertainty and the fact that my life was going to be so much better, so much more than it has been throughout my time at university. little did i know at how much of a u-turn it took for the dive. i had references ready, i had my cv nice and polished and i was going to go places. then came november-january and the rejections stacked up. i didnt know how i would handle rejection, and unfortunately i took it on like an amateur, like a noob. the plan i had didnt work out the way i had intended. instead i became obsessed with getting/fulfilling the objectives i had in life that i didnt care about deadlines, i just had to get things done to the highest of my ability. i thought that would buy me happiness, if i could work so hard that i could prove to myself that i could still be great, or at least look back and say yes, this is my work and i am proud of it. unfortunately being the person with such high aspirations, and the fact that all my work brought nothing but disappointment this year has been sour. happiness is temporary that can't be earned, it has to come naturally. if you're not happy go back to your roots, figure out what makes you happy. the course i am doing, i have great passion for, however there is not enough time to grasp and appreciate the knowledge, ask the important questions and figure things out for the future. when life isnt in my control i just want to curl up and let the storm pass. but honestly i can't i've got a tough fight ahead, and so theres no time to spare. my past can't really support me for whenever i had opened up to people i ended up disappointing them, in so many ways. sucks to be me.