give me back what i deserve

story of my life. fails. it seems like all thats been happening this year has been fails. one after another like theres this thing on my back making sure that i fail at everything, miss every chance i get and simply cast a dark cloud over my head. i'm not paranoid but i can't help but think that there is something out there that is purposely doing all this! i'm not just talking about university. i'm talking about friends, sickness flooding home, the bitchy housemates i ended up with, the things that happen at work, and the depressing deadlines at university, the 'slowga' casted on me and the recent exam fails. i'm lucky that i'm even still alive and to be honest the only thing that has kept me going is myself. without this tough shell i put on every day every hour every second, i'd break down and cry. i have so many regrets, so many things i wish i could have done differently, so many things i aspire to do but knowing i'll never ever be the person that i'd like to be someday. its terrible. it didn't start with rejections, it didn't begin with a mistake. i used to think i'm special and now i'm starting to realise how specially unfortunate i am to even exist. this year has not been easy. if this year was a test, surely i have failed miserably and i fear for whats yet to come... its unbearable that i am the way that i am, and i try to be different, i put the effort but somehow its always either too late, or never enough. i'll never be good enough, i'll never have the life that i want. i'll always struggle and this year is far from over i still have graduation... if there is going to be a graduation. by the looks of things, i shouldn't have any high hopes, for there is none. life will always crash down on me and leave me picking up whats left of a broken image, an image of the person i want to be, of the person that i used to be, of the person that i could never be.