Ramadan day 2-3

Day 2:
Priority is food today, after realising that the parents were unaware of my commitment to Ramadan this year. Honestly it made me a little sad that they wouldn't think I would fast this year. For the previous years I had not been able to do Ramadan properly. This was because of both work and revision commitments.
My health was also an issue, I don't attend the gym on a regular basis, so couple my stamina with fasting and I could only function on basic mentality levels... Almost like a zombie.
This year I have no commitments. I don't know if that's a blessing or not, but this Ramadan I want to make the most of it. This means praying 5 times a day,  learning the qiyam al layl prayer possibly if it doesn't prove to be difficult, and get to know more about my religion.
Moving away from the tangent ranting, today I went with my little sister shopping for food. I don't think I will be doing a completely strict diet, considering the lack of water and the possibility of pronounced ketosis, and muscle loss..  it's a little risky.
So, the menu consists of fish, chicken, broccoli, cauliflower, cheese sprinkles. (until I get bored from this combo)

Day 3:
I was so tired yesterday I fell asleep after Iftar and didn't awake till it was time for Suhoor. I felt a huge surge of exhaustion, possibly from the fasting or from doing so little activities. My arms in particular felt very weak. I may need to start some form of exercise or toning/stretches to maintain muscle composition.

I have been diagnosing the problems faced with the microphone on my pc and have come to the conclusion that the on board sound card present on my Asus x79 deluxe motherboard is actually very very bad for microphone input. I will need to purchase an exterior sound card.. Possibly the Asus Xonar U7. I also want to invest in an antlion modmic 4.0 which happens to be the best mic for pc.. Assuming that my current omni mic would not work properly with the sound card. Regardless, a dedicated sound card should fix the majority of transmission problems faced, and should make the overall sound of my computer yummy :D
I feel like these purchases are however optional and not urgent, so for the time being I would like to consider other options.

It has been 3 days away from league of legends and I don't feel withdrawal. Possibly because I've been so tired but maybe I had better will power than I thought. It's interesting how much time you realise you have in a day when you're not preoccupied with lol, I have been so much more productive but at the same time.. Repressed or ignored emotions that I have not dealt with the past 3 months have resurfaced. I guess Ramadan is perfect for this because you want to reach a higher spiritual enlightenment and strengthen the mind. Feels like a boot camp, kinda. 

Ramadan day 1

First day of Ramadan went well. No league of legends, no music and prayed 5 times today. I also had time to sort out a couple auctions on eBay in the aim to free up space in my room to actually place my prayer mat to pray.. Meanwhile I have been praying on my bed because the lack of floor space. It's funny looking at how lack of energy I have now compared to last year.
I ate kebabs with cauliflower and broccoli for dinner,  then deeply regretted eating the kebabs as I saw the amount of fat on my plate as it solidified. That's disgusting if it's going into my body. Tomorrow I hope to go shopping and actually find food I think would be better.. The problem is I don't want to go shopping on an empty stomach but things need to be done so I guess I just have to cope.
Ramadan kareem everyone. 

time heals

they say that time heals all wounds. i would like to believe this, i would like to say that i am moving on though it seems that i am more becoming numb to the pain than anything.
however i am starting to grow with frustration. i would like to escape from my current state of stasis.
i need something to help me get back on my feet so i've started looking for jobs, i've started to clean out my room, and i've started to take care of myself - but i need to do more.
with ramadhan around the corner i feel like i need a new outlook on life. i need to learn more about my religion to discover a new point of view. i hope to complete the qur'an this month, and surround myself with meaningful motivational pictures to help transform my current state into a more positive and productive vision.
i hope to report back here everyday of the month with my findings, in the hopes that something will sink in, something will flourish into greatness that i know i am certainly capable of.

We are the heroes of our time

i can't help but sense this tightness in my chest, whenever i look at anything related to medicine, it feels like my insides are getting squashed, my eyes tear with pain and my throat sinks so deep it's hard to swallow away my emotions. i feel like i betrayed myself, and the feeling never goes away, it lingers at the back of my mind no matter how hard i try to concentrate on the present and plan for the future. will this feeling ever go away?
my lack of motivation to do anything spans to the point where sleep is now my only escape.. for a while. however sometimes i wake only to remember i was actually also dreaming about medicine.
i'm not weak, i'd never let myself sink this low. medicine meant the world to me, i have always wanted to pursue this career, not doing it just makes me feel this depression that i just can't shake off.
how do i move on? how do i look past this mess? is there a sanctuary for people like me?

the pursuit of happiness

the past month has been really hard. going out anywhere reminds me of what i lost.. my purpose in life, my goals.. well i can't really go that route anymore.. so, what do?
one day i went out with my parents, my mum wants to get a new car. throughout the whole car ride i was fighting tears, leaving myself to think about everything just places me in a huge emotional bubble that i try to fight back and avoid. looking back is hurtful, and i think i really need some redemption.. though, i'm stuck. i don't know how to find my redemption.
i don't want to return to study, and i don't want any normal boring job. for goodness sake i was working in the hospital, every single day was different and i learned so much on the job. it's what inspired me to pursue medicine, my goal was to become a doctor.
everywhere i go now reminds me of what i lost. it's funny because before travelling i would go on this shopping spree and buy my whole closet for the season. i would look forward to learning new things everyday, see my friends, walk around the city, and i felt so free and alive. i felt like i was in the right place, i was studying something that inspired me to become a better person.

when all that was taken from me, now i feel like i have nothing but old memories, emotions i refuse to address and a horrible twisted feeling in my stomach that i cannot endure.
in clinical terms, i feel depressed. how do i get past this?