deus ex machina

spread your wings

today has been very weird.. i've tried to define the events that took place and i haven't been able to really understand this place yet. it all feels empty, meaningless and quite literally a chore. i had information overload with navigation, terms, acronyms, understanding the basics, etc. one important question: what does the job entail is yet to be answered i don't feel like i've established this core and important question. everything seems off and disorganised... the aspects of work are all to new and i still don't really understand what my job here really is. what? am i supposed to somehow come up with a meaning to all this? certainly my first day has done no good.
i felt very claustrophobic today in the staff room. so many people sitting so close to each other, in a narrow L-shaped room really made me want to leave as soon as possible. i don't think that i'm quite ready for this.. i don't like being trapped and today thats what it felt like.
a hospital environment isn't as good as i thought.. well i honestly didn't have any high expectations but still, i wanted this and now i have to work hard to get accustomed to this new environment. everyone was friendly, then again, everyone would be on your first day. standard protocol.

the 'perfect' time

so true...

it doesn't have to be perfect, but its time well spent. following the whole gazillion things i've been doing over the past months i found this week really event-less.. i actually miss keeping my mind busy and preoccupied with interview preparation, going to work every morning and simply enjoying the amount of walking i achieve every single day.
i bought myself some work clothes this week, tried them on and moaned at the figure staring at me in the mirror. typical.
i've also been hibernating for longer periods of time in bed. that needs to change with next week's schedule so close.. dania has to get organised. i need to hire a tutor or somehow come up with a working method of refreshing my memory. its not like i'm not reading (looks at lil sister) i've just been reluctant to do anything significant.. maybe its because of the injury, or maybe its because of my poor attempt at the assignment, ehh. i need to work on that and make the change i've been so desperate for :(
i can't say i'm looking forward to work, i think it will just be another typical 'caring' environment but still, i have to get organised. i only have a few weeks left to improve.. and i have to get better, theres no other way around this huge time-consuming hurdle... lucky me, moar shit to sort through.

a moment of calm

I wrote a huge essay here but instead i decided to delete it. i can bear my burden, i can cope with whats going on, and i can be patient. i have to remain positive and know that at the end of the day i have to keep an open mind and forgive people. everyone makes mistakes... i have to find my happiness and i have to find ways to regain what i've lost. i cant continue to depend on family, i'll always end up disappointed. so allow all of that! i'm going to have to do things differently, start fresh and build up my confidence, in myself.

waiting for the string to break

how do you teach an old cat new tricks?

suspense. its there, the long wait for what you know is going to happen. the time you know when all things fall apart, fall into chaos, fall into pieces. time stands still yet somehow still moving. the force that drives the order is crumbling right under your fingertips and knowing this, fumes you with anger, with rage. you were so much better back then, and you ask yourself: where did it all go wrong?
perhaps you knew it was all going to turn out this way, perhaps you wanted to see for yourself, perhaps you thought you were stronger than you really are. you now feel heavy, weak and powerless, unable to react strong enough or fast enough, to make a change, and escape. you crave for a glimmer of happiness, but the darkness, the guilt will always haunt you; like a shadow or a scar, it will never leave you. its too late to panic, its too late to be hopeful, things simply did not go the way you planned. emptiness, hurt and self pity fill your heart. you're not only angry at the world, you're also angry with yourself. nothing matters any more, nothing will ever fill the void you've created. nothing will fix your past.

I just watched Gray's Anatomy and it really got me thinking, I've been so stupid - i hadn't been thinking properly back in my younger years... i had no one to guide me at all, sure i'm amazing at art but where did it get me? i've wasted so much time... so much effort on meaningless pieces that i can simply shred to pieces! why on earth did i bother with art? what good did it do to me? i feel like it has destroyed my future. i'm torn between art and science, and i shouldn't be! and with that, i have developed so much hate for how things have turned out. knowing what i know now, i want to make a change to someone else's life, my little sister. it hurts knowing that no one was there for me to do the same, but i have to be the sword, i have to break this vicious cycle and be it if i get hated in return, in the end i know i've done what i can to change her future. i don't want her to turn out the way i did. i don't want her to struggle like i did, i don't want her to go through all the things i did and will be doing. i have to be that change for her sake, for her happiness in the end.

work =1/potential energy change

how long must one wait?

Last week has been really all about recovering from my injury. I managed to send out emails, sort out the bathroom upstairs (single handedly) and.. uhh i can't remember. from internet statistics, 37% of inline skate injuries are wrist injuries, and 87% of the trauma felt/fractions prevented are due to protective wrist guards. thank god i'm in that majority, alhamdu'allah it wasn't anything more severe. i had x-rays done today and as it turns out, i haven't fractured anything (yay) though i still have the pain.. i can't lift anything heavier than 2 glasses of coke... which is an improvement from last week but still, i can barely flex my wrist to carry out... normal stuff like lifting my bag from the car, dressing myself without the "ouch ouch ouch"... strapping on a bra (or taking one off) is the worst. ever. pain. aghh...

ouch ouch ouch! bad wrist = difficulty doing this ^

i applied to another job today, out of curiosity.. gosh why can't i just get a damn healthcare assistant job?! i'll be happy once i get one, until then, i feel like i'm always peeking behind me, frequently! i feel like its all wrong if i don't get a hca job grrr why is this so hard?! heal wrist, heal damn you! you're making me cranky and very negative to be around!! :L