blown out of the window

s small relief to a challenging month

there is this thing called 'necessities' and theres this other thing called 'MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE'
today they were merged. after quickly taking a peek at my pay slip, i sighed with relief for i've been waiting for this pay day very very patiently. not to say the least i splashed out today. lets.. call it an investment in the good future. i prefer to place my money into good use, so for today, i hope i've done the right thing, for me. i hope that i will truly benefit from this..

insha'allah

this is all halah money, its money i've earned through helping people and its the sweetest gift, or like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.. ehh i'm making it sound like its a lot.. its not really.. its tiny compared to what others with my degree are getting.. but at least i know its a money well deserved, its all i need right now

alhamdu'allah

just too crazy

think hospital work is boring? WRONG! in 5 days the following happened:

• a fire alarm was set off in the morning conveniently on my ward, just on a day i happened to be late. no patients are gonna get any treatment without me there BWAHAHAHA~
• diarrhoea outbreak leading to a ward closure - never fear the bugs tho, treatments must carry on (which also means moar hand washings)
• lady fell on floor and shattered her neck of femur into little shards of bones - looks awesome on the x-ray, but painful for the poor old lady (i hope she gets better, she was really nice too)
• killing streak on my job: 

1. T-roll i suggested for a patient WAS ACTUALLY IMPLEMENTED! woop woop :D

2. stairs assessment not done by some lame student WAS ACTUALLY IMPLEMENTED coz i said so!

3. 20mins to get ready for church! fastest time i ever got a resident to get changed and ready for the day 

*victory dance*

so with that aside i had today off. i went to london to get my olympic uniform sorted - and i have to say i am really impressed. the fit is amazing and the quality is yummy. thank you adidas thank you <3

its been a fine week for randomness woo ~ :]

every single day is special

there comes a time in life where you begin to let go of what you cannot control and focus on what can indeed be changed with will power and determination... a lot of determination can go a long way into making something impossible seem feasible and soon later, possible. its a matter of thinking of each and every single day as a day to celebrate yourself. celebrate your knowledge, celebrate the blessings and all the things you have available to you.
kindness and self-preservation are the keys to nurturing the spirit. in addition, the compilation of a journal of all the positive things you've done for people will soon fill you with joy and warmth. every single person is born with a mere purpose, learn from mistakes and improve. the journey of life is not a straight line. i can see that now from my experiences, from what others have seen and gone through. everything is a test, a hurdle waiting to be disseminated into order. your individual experience is a charity of your work, a gift of life, and therefore a gift of unique and utterly improbable freedom of will to learn and formulate your individuality. everyone is different yet we all share a common goal, and a common problem. 

One fine day (in bed)

is that porn i see behind your pillow mr?

no fun staying at home, i thought my flu would be all better today, instead i woke up to a cough spasm - i kept coughing and nothing came out! common! all the coughing took all the energy out of me and so for the rest of the day i've had to call in sick.. no fun times at the nursing home this weekend :( it used to be one of my highlights, to see the residents, and well... something always crops up keeping me motivated & engaged. last week i was at the top of my game, i put my organisation skills into good use, and so everyone was really enjoying their shift. i got to see one of the residents do some amazing walking skills.. i mean 2 residents: one who wasn't supposed to walk but managed to find their way & walk to the dinning area while the other had helped themselves to the toilet (with somewhat success.....) and even put themselves to bed. it amused me what some people get up to, its all lulz in elderly care. i couldn't stop smiling, bless the elderly nation! i love their keen determination and 'can do' attitude.

no fun for me this weekend sadly, i uninstalled homeworld cataclysm, its just unnecessary stress to my tired and very sick self at the moment. i looked at some of my art stored on the computer.. i'm so good at it but its really no longer what i want to do. though, it got me thinking.. its always me designing for others, its always me doodling for other people and i've never ever had anyone do any art for me. its really remarkable isn't it? bubble burst - i think i intimidate people -in terms of my art skills and expectations at least. no one dares to approach me with a gift of their art work.. bleh dunno if thats a good thing or a bad thing? mixture of both perhaps? i dunno.. the only thing i could find was this:

 and 
(which i had to colour... lol)

not feelin the love hahah oh well.. what can ya do eh? i'm hard to impress xD

avengers

a low point at work is never a good thing. i found myself getting the glooms over the incompetence of others and then i thought to myself... why are you so bothered?! listed all the good things i've done and accomplished... i never thought i'd get through it... my desperation for a job? for the experience? for the sanity of my mind? i did the things i needed to do, and i should feel whole, accomplished and self-valued. what people do cannot influence my mood, my stress, my motivation. i'm my own determination, and the people around me are mere distractions! who cares if someone decided to change plans, evade their expectations, frustrate over work... for all that i am, i need to learn and listen, not be the centre of the universe. my time will come, patience, perseverance and offering assistance as need be is what i can only do right now.

all i can say is:

alhamdu'allah al'atheem

to grow

no amount of waiting will tell you what you really need to do

we read guidelines, we follow rules... and if something goes wrong, we tend to try to fix things, and move on. thats life for most people. where would we be if there was no order? things have to be in place to be peaceful. training your mind to empathise with others, telling yourself you can do so much more.. you all strive to be the best you could be - so why do you tend to try so hard to impress others but when it comes to yourself, you let yourself down? is that what you call empathy? how can you empathise with others if you cannot empathise with yourself first?

i found myself lost in an obstacle course.. trying to find out a hidden meaning to what i'm doing but in reality its plain simple. everyone has their role to play in life. how well you do your job depends entirely on your commitment and compassion. you're a professional body in an army of workforce and your purpose there is to do your job. there is no need for complements or the feel good drag - all thats there is you, doing your job correctly, and with dignity. everyone has a role to play in this world, and in this job, thank God for all the blessings and fortune that has been bestowed to you. in this work force you need to find yourself, and to do that you need to be the best you could be.

happiness comes from achievement, so achieve something great today, chin up and get on with it.

deus ex machina

spread your wings

today has been very weird.. i've tried to define the events that took place and i haven't been able to really understand this place yet. it all feels empty, meaningless and quite literally a chore. i had information overload with navigation, terms, acronyms, understanding the basics, etc. one important question: what does the job entail is yet to be answered i don't feel like i've established this core and important question. everything seems off and disorganised... the aspects of work are all to new and i still don't really understand what my job here really is. what? am i supposed to somehow come up with a meaning to all this? certainly my first day has done no good.
i felt very claustrophobic today in the staff room. so many people sitting so close to each other, in a narrow L-shaped room really made me want to leave as soon as possible. i don't think that i'm quite ready for this.. i don't like being trapped and today thats what it felt like.
a hospital environment isn't as good as i thought.. well i honestly didn't have any high expectations but still, i wanted this and now i have to work hard to get accustomed to this new environment. everyone was friendly, then again, everyone would be on your first day. standard protocol.

the 'perfect' time

so true...

it doesn't have to be perfect, but its time well spent. following the whole gazillion things i've been doing over the past months i found this week really event-less.. i actually miss keeping my mind busy and preoccupied with interview preparation, going to work every morning and simply enjoying the amount of walking i achieve every single day.
i bought myself some work clothes this week, tried them on and moaned at the figure staring at me in the mirror. typical.
i've also been hibernating for longer periods of time in bed. that needs to change with next week's schedule so close.. dania has to get organised. i need to hire a tutor or somehow come up with a working method of refreshing my memory. its not like i'm not reading (looks at lil sister) i've just been reluctant to do anything significant.. maybe its because of the injury, or maybe its because of my poor attempt at the assignment, ehh. i need to work on that and make the change i've been so desperate for :(
i can't say i'm looking forward to work, i think it will just be another typical 'caring' environment but still, i have to get organised. i only have a few weeks left to improve.. and i have to get better, theres no other way around this huge time-consuming hurdle... lucky me, moar shit to sort through.

waiting for the string to break

how do you teach an old cat new tricks?

suspense. its there, the long wait for what you know is going to happen. the time you know when all things fall apart, fall into chaos, fall into pieces. time stands still yet somehow still moving. the force that drives the order is crumbling right under your fingertips and knowing this, fumes you with anger, with rage. you were so much better back then, and you ask yourself: where did it all go wrong?
perhaps you knew it was all going to turn out this way, perhaps you wanted to see for yourself, perhaps you thought you were stronger than you really are. you now feel heavy, weak and powerless, unable to react strong enough or fast enough, to make a change, and escape. you crave for a glimmer of happiness, but the darkness, the guilt will always haunt you; like a shadow or a scar, it will never leave you. its too late to panic, its too late to be hopeful, things simply did not go the way you planned. emptiness, hurt and self pity fill your heart. you're not only angry at the world, you're also angry with yourself. nothing matters any more, nothing will ever fill the void you've created. nothing will fix your past.

I just watched Gray's Anatomy and it really got me thinking, I've been so stupid - i hadn't been thinking properly back in my younger years... i had no one to guide me at all, sure i'm amazing at art but where did it get me? i've wasted so much time... so much effort on meaningless pieces that i can simply shred to pieces! why on earth did i bother with art? what good did it do to me? i feel like it has destroyed my future. i'm torn between art and science, and i shouldn't be! and with that, i have developed so much hate for how things have turned out. knowing what i know now, i want to make a change to someone else's life, my little sister. it hurts knowing that no one was there for me to do the same, but i have to be the sword, i have to break this vicious cycle and be it if i get hated in return, in the end i know i've done what i can to change her future. i don't want her to turn out the way i did. i don't want her to struggle like i did, i don't want her to go through all the things i did and will be doing. i have to be that change for her sake, for her happiness in the end.

moar life & skates

so today was the last day of work experience. i have to say that without those amazing people, i would have probably combusted a long time ago. its amazing how when you're about to lose control and someone comes in and offers you a saving hand, its very inspiring and i will always treasure the experience gained from this work throughout. valuable lessons were learned and i can actually say, i'm proud of myself. i never thought i'd embark on such an amazing route, and a steep curve of a completely different learning experience, for once in my life, i can actually say to myself: you did good.  alhamdu'allah alatheem

i really feel like i need to get back to skating, today i did megaz0r research on the best inline skates to get considering that my £15.00 pair destroy my feet everytime i use them. besides, i don't actually know where i've put them LOL
so, i found a reasonable pair, at a somewhat reasonable price, from france! insha'allah this year i can better myself in other ways too, i really hope to get back into skating, i really enjoyed it when i was younger, and i continue to long to do so again. this pair is an investment and a promise to myself, as well as an award for all my hard work. i feel like i deserve a different type of destressor, and i hope that i'll make friends who share my passion for skating too on the way. heres the pair i bought:

K2 CELENA 2011 90mm skates

comfort, speed and design really grabbed my attention in this beauty, and considering that there was only one size left, i took the honours of claiming it mine :3 insha'allah it will be as good as it has been rated, i really want to get back into skating. i'm so excited!

one goal, so many disappointments

we can't all be clones

this week i've been thinking: what the hell do these people expect us to do? why go through all this trouble of experience if at the end of the day sitting in an office you won't be using it?! i can understand caring.. ok but seriously the majority of things that are really relevant would be some managerial kind of work.. wouldn't that be more relevant? how is washing elderly with soap a gold star? darn my frustrations.. another weekend in the slumps and people are starting to ask weird and awkward questions. my personal life is not for others to pry on. i'd be more interested if you people talk intellectually instead of jumping ropes to find out about my personal life. you don't see me do it to you, so why do it to me?

i know how to shuffle a nappy under an elderly now, w00p w00p. i wiped an elderly's bottom today while they decided to piss everywhere as i was almost finished. i picked out clothes for a blind lady today yaay... dad decided to pick me up 2 hours after my shift ended, yayyy... sucks not having my own car but i must persevere.. all this has to end well, somehow, someday.... i hope :(

truth from fibs - not an easy judgement call

yesterday has been eye opening in so many ways. i know i was supposed to be shadowing but honestly, i found it more useful choosing the people that had seemed competent at doing their role than to follow others i was assigned to. regardless of whom i was shadowing, i needed to learn. i took matters to my own hands, after all i need to get on with the job soon enough and the more perspective and opportunities i had the better. allow giving a resident a spa bath, i was really more interested in how to deal with difficult people, and i made that my own aim for the day.
i dodged a falcon punch and an elbow attempt from a lady with broken mood swings. multiple personality disorder might be at play but honestly, i was lucky.. i could have been beaten up! that lady knows how to punch O_O; all that just for assisted personal care. meh.. to be honest i would have done exactly the same thing if anyone violated my personal space. i feel somewhat offended because i completely valued her dignity and treated her in the most professional manner yet at the same time i know that i shouldn't judge, its her illness causing her to really act this way. aghh difficult much?
later on i spent 30 mins with a resident who really needed someone to talk to. i've been told i give great advice to others, this was my opportunity to use my skills to make someone feel better. even though i had never been in a similar situation to what the resident had described, i could somewhat picture exactly what my instincts would make me do, and i was able to reassure the resident and perhaps even mend a broken friendship which is always a good thing :) screw shadowing for the moment! i spoke to one of the nurses to see if they would check up on the resident and they simply said - she might have been dreaming! oh dear how do you tell the difference between truth and fibs? can the resident truly be telling the truth? she seemed upset enough, she needed someone to talk to, and i offered that listening ear... ehh i hope that whether it was true or not, she is feeling less lonely and indeed more at peace.
later in the evening i was faced with another resident who truly believed that all the 'caring' we're providing was just a game. he wanted to 'play' along, make scenarios and i have to say, the stuff coming out of his mouth were so baffling i couldn't stop laughing. i'm sure he's trying to humour the moment too, make his living more interesting so to speak. though unbuttoning the lower half of his shirt was nothing to be funny about, whether he was testing our witts or playing with our tolerance levels God knows, it was funny as hell though. it didn't help the fact that he was wearing a pad, LOLOLOLOL ok evilness aside, yesterday was one awesome day. i learned so much w00p w00p. oh and i passed manual handling on saturday! gratz pour moi :3

7 days of intensive work: another side another story

reflecting on life, work and studies

my planner is alarmingly filling up. i no longer have weekends to look forward to. if i'm not at volunteer work then i'd be at a nursing home, and if i'm not there i'd be doing work experience. on top of that, i have that lovely physio thing to sort out, which is a full time role, and J training to attend, and somehow salvage whatever is left of my time and devote it to my studies and paperwork T_T
a month a go i had nothing, alhamdu'allah for this month has been a blessing. i do however need to get past the little ticks i get from people such as with the nursing home, i need to concentrate on my life, learn and get better. no point getting pissed off from other people. i know my manager was actually trying to help me now.. i know that i have to prove myself, and i know that i need to kick myself into gear. welcome to the working life, i keep telling myself. its making me doubt whether i can manage keeping up with studies.. but at the same time i can kinda understand why people in my position gained that extra determination from this, i can now understand their frustrations and most definitely envy their perseverance. one day i hope to do the same, one day i hope to give others the inspiration to follow their dreams. insha'allah.

moar will powr and hard at work

walking in the cold, alone next to a motorway :( the only bad bit to a wonderful week

the past week has been incredibly intensive - not only was i subjected to a completely new environment, but i've also had to endure... so... much! despite feeling overwhelmed, i honestly can't stop smiling. all those things that i thought i'd never get to learn, well... i'm learning them. life skills essential both to myself and others. i feel like i belong, i have a purpose and far more whole than ever before. i don't care what others think of me or what the hell is dania doing its so completely unlike her... or is it? eh wheres my dania and what demon have you unleashed on this world?

all thats important is that i can reflect on what i learned and smile. 

i have a long road ahead, but for the first time in months... i feel like i'm one step closer. i can look back and say to myself, yes, you've done good. this feeling not only ignites motivation, but invites new knowledge and life experiences. i have no idea whats around the corner and i'm constantly looking to find out.

alhamdu'allah wa alif shukur jazeelan! alhamdu'allah :)

Talk more..

despite the wonderful week i've had, theres really quite a lot of things to do - i received a reply for the J volunteering and i need to attend their interview.. i really want to start training with these people because it will radically jump-start my experiences and without them i don't think i have a slight chance of improving my cv - so they are crucial in my to-do list. i have to impress no matter how difficult it might be. problem is they are super picky about people.. i have to be so damn good, irresistible entirely!
i have an extra session at this nursing home that i also need to complete.. paperwork really drags :/
my adviser needs to be informed of recent successes and changes in life.. theres so much happening that i can barely keep myself bored LOL
revision also needs to get serious.. i keep lecturing my sister about how its important to start revising early and theres me... not listening to my own advice - why dendoona why? =_=
mum suggested that i should get a car - i don't see that happening any time soon. theres no space in the driveway and i certainly don't want to start paying all those expenses that come with having a car. i can endure the weather, i can organise my time and i can definitely survive life's challenges. i have to do it for the sake of whats yet to come. everything i do, i have to do with purpose and good reason.

conflicting points of interest & results

thats what i did today, totally productive

so far everything has been running smoothly, everything in my puzzle of organisation has fitted perfectly on the board, till i got an interview yesterday... which would conflict with a training date i have with a care home. dammit why?! i really really don't want to cancel it but it seems like that is the best option considering the distance i would have to travel and the extra costs that would go towards this place if i get accepted. my adviser is not going to be happy but i think that despite this set back, alhamdu'allah for all the positive news i have received.

simply working hard is never enough *takes whip out* HARDER, BETTER, STRONGER, FASTER!

my 8-paged application definitely caused an impression on one of my interviewers - though not in a good way they wanted less text and more to the point - which honestly, could not be done if i intend to address every point in the person specification! all this interview experience would come in useful, and i really really liked the london placement it was amazing! i met so many friendly and lovable characters who i would have really wanted to know more about, keep in touch with and so on... problem is, i might not get offered this placement as everyone i spoke to were incredibly dedicated and committed to the jobs. with my mere 2 month experience i am unmatchable in so many ways unfortunately.

nevertheless i also had a pleasant yet long interview within the physio placement. i felt like i could really do this job, and relate to all the things being done in the placement but at the same time the area looked slightly isolated which is not my preference, i would rather converse with a wider community and diverse body... but meh.. at least i think i did good, i'll just have to wait and see. i came out smiling from that interview - they liked my (very relevant)  anime doodles in the scenario questionnaire hehe

i got offered a place with those weird interview people which is awesome! i'm feelin the love, FINALLY! i have been looking for over 3 months! yay me :D

keep going forward - because theres no point going back when the world keeps spinning on and on

b was all weird today at volunteering - i hope she doesn't have a grudge against me.. i am slightly older than the people there and thats an advantage i suppose as i can handle more things... or maybe its my professional manner? its not the first time i had intimidated someone with my awesomeness HAH! lulz.... oh dear!

Lightning - Final Fantasy XIII-2

this is the first time that i didn't take notice of the new release of final fantasy game... which feels weird i had missed playing 11, 12, 13, 14 and i would also get to miss playing final fantasy 13-2 so yeah.. feels weird not keeping up with square enix. i'm not regretting it, as i found myself get attached to new things that are more beneficial for both myself and others. i like this new me, i can be more proud of this one :3

just like a heart beat the drum beat carries on

nickleback - when we stand together

Hope you've had a good new year i bought nothing. literally nothing for the past month! salmon for christmas in the renovated oven was a disaster. despite cranking up the heat to full power the oven failed to provide sufficient heat to cook the salmon, therefore christmas lunch became christmas dinner. instead of taking 20 mins to cook, the salmon took 3h30mins to cook! stupid oven! we need a new kitchen :(
i've been selling junk on ebay to try to get some cash back to go for a new oven... it really sucks not having a job. speaking of which i've been applying like crazy, i have an interview (out of the blue) tomorrow but honestly i don't know what they expect of me... or what job have they decided to select me for. gg for sending me an email with just an address and a time, on short notice. wonderful stuff. well i'm desperate so i'm good with whatever stumps and trips up my doorway. if they need a person with a car i am going to rage kill then go shopping.
volunteering hasn't been as fun as i had hoped, i seem to distance myself and that cannot happen! it means i'm spending too much time by myself on a computer, becoming more antisocial? no way not this time round i want a good reference and i have to pull myself out! tomorrow i'm going to job hunt in person, pulling off my charms and making the local employers hire me. fun time :3

on saturday i ended up walking all the way back home from north maidenhead - which meant 1h30mins of walking.. not fun for my feet as both my soles (pad of foot and heel) were incredibly sore and painful when i came home - though, i enjoyed the exercise.. and it gave me time to think.
theres so much to do and with so much responsibility weighing over my head theres no time to make mistakes. i have to keep up my biotechnology knowledge, keep refreshing my memory while also doing this work experience, interviews, volunteer work and the dreaded application forms. not only this, i also have to sort out the house - thats actually an under-statement i need to raid the whole house and somehow make it live-able. its depressingly filled with clutter and well, i don't complain out loud and that drives mum crazy. she wants me to be more open about my concerns but what? who me? open? you're joking right?! such qualities are for the fool and the weak-hearted.

its me against the world

Rage Quit

So after much thinking i've opened a private blog, i'm getting sick of typing out drafts that won't get published, so whats more awesome than making a brand new spankin blog with awesome privacy to help me destress.. no? still guys i will not reinstall black ops quit askin!

Dismantle.Repair

Informal visit to a theatre yesterday and dammit if I ever get that role I'll quit zombie slaying forever - my gruesome satisfaction of headshot counts, and blood, gutts and limbs splattered everywhere will be fulfilled. I'll be contempt, satisfied, convinced that black ops zombies is a time wasting mission that can never ever be complete. 4 days of no zombies and I'm still going. I have to admit though, every time my sister comes into my room - well, we both share the keen interest to increasing our ranking in the scoreboards! *sigh* I need this job... :/ life has to get better... right?

Through Chaos as it Swirls... Its just Us against the World - Coldplay (2011)
Picture taken on plane from Romania in October 2011

Why are people so difficult? Being generous, letting people decide what to do for themselves, letting others have some equality, sharing the success... and what do they do? Go out of their way to ensure your life with them becomes a living hell! This is what the new tenants have been doing. Dad generously let & helped them make their new place a home and what do they do? Veto the agreement & contract, don't pay rent, avoid communication, squirm when you go see them in person, threaten to leave, cause damage to the inside of the house. What on earth is wrong with these people? Why would they do something like this? 2 months in and they're being this wacky I honestly fear of what's yet to come. It isn't fair, this isn't natural... what causes such people to react this way? My dad is a good honest man, noble and charitable. These people have no right to treat him no less than the kindness he had showed them.

darn all the frustration - black ops uninstalled!

I UNINSTALLED BLACK OPS LAST NIGHT HA HA HA
i woke up today bright and early for a change! woo~ problem is, i got downstairs to have my breakfast thinking about how i'm going to make today so productive! i'm going to read so many chapters yeaah - and i get confronted by mum, who had her own list of things to do for me

whole day ruined. instead of doing what i wanted to do, i ended up doing ebay. i ended up going through all lil sis' junk, photographing each piece, uploading it online, writing a description about it, posting it on ebay. aa;hsdfgh sdhi;hd;sgh;ghdgh ;ghd boring repetitive work SERIOUSLY?! i'm not happy with myself.
on another note, i'm thinking about vlogging instead of writing all these blog posts - opinions?
serious time now, ebay is done, now to open those books and start scribbling about lovely biology <3

the undervalued significance of finding yourself

one of the things i have been working on is securing an interview - and one thing i've done is attend a workshop. at university you would have thought that by attending lectures, taking part in societies and events you would be getting the best exposure to how to tackle life outside studying... well.. not really. employers don't just look at your university life, they want to know what you've learned and how you developed as a person. the main objective of applying to anywhere is to tell the employer yes i know what the job is about, and i really want to work for you. basically you want to kiss ass, but make sure that your lips are going to stain, or... in other words, you should be aiming to leave a lasting impression in both the application/cv and the interview. think of your role model and how they inspired you, and try to portray that in the way you put yourself across.

in preparation or in times of self doubt, i find that meditation usually helps. concentrate on the qualities you have, and how you want people to see you. this way it flows naturally, even if its in the back of your mind, you will find that by looking deep into yourself, you can actually find the person you really want to be.

one time i was really really stressed out during revision time, and instead of rage quitting, i took a deep breath and decided to meditate. 15 mins is really all you need, just clear your mind, find that inner peace, no distractions, no muscles tensed, no bright lights (and don't fall asleep!) just concentrate on whats troubling you. in my case, i honestly didn't know what the stuff i was reading would get me. in a series of why? what? and how? questions i managed to find out what i really wanted to do. once you reach a spot where you can't question yourself any longer, thats when you know.

so theres 2 parts to this job advice, but it all really depends on you. where do you want to be in life? are you happy where you are? how can you change? boundaries are there to be broken, so don't let yourself be locked away in a cage. make the effort to be who you really want to be, and never get discouraged from others. in the end, its your life, and all your actions will consequently shape how you live it. stop wasting time, and start thinking about your future.