Revelation into how people become impressionable and grumpy.

I woke up this morning with a sour feeling in my stomach and answers to questions I have been asking myself about people's attitudes for so many years. Without experience I suppose it's really hard to grasp or understand how people turn out the way they are, but with a little insight.. You can see through a keyhole why people are the way they are.

Why are my neighbours always copying us?! 

Believe it or not,  people who have lost their way,  or have not found their purpose are very impressionable. When they find a figure who seems to have an initiative or has their life put together, they become like a shining beacon of hope and aspiration. 

Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there that don't have a reason for existence and that makes them incredibly anxious and prone to being influenced by other people.  Such is life. 

Why are people so grumpy? What made them this way? 

People turn sour when they are no longer happy with what they have. Perhaps they didn't get the most out of their job or education that for whatever reason.. Nothing makes things better for them. These people used to be hopeful, they used to be some of the nicest people you would ever meet.. However over time,  a wall is built between hope and expectation. 

Depression has a huge factor on how people live their lives, and it can be so harmful and contagious in the workplace. Ask yourself if you are happy where you are, if you are surrounded by people who inspire you to be better, to have a purpose in life greater than just existing to provide for the family.. If there are gaps in your life, try to think of ways to steal your life around, and make it better for yourself and others. 

Ok ranting is over. 

Dare to dream

What if one day you wake up and realise you've stopped dreaming. you realise that your previous motivations mean nothing now. the life you planned for the past couple of years.. well, they don't matter any more.

How do you get on and build new dreams? 

one thing i've always done was stick to what interests me, what makes me passionate, what makes me happy.
But, what if for the past couple of years all your efforts into achieving this goal to better yourself, to aim for THE dream.. they all suddenly come crashing down.
Depression is inevitable, it's what happens when your mind doesn't get what it wants, it's the hole that forms when your foundations are shook. how do you start to dream again? how do you build a new dream?
self development is a journey, with lots of roads, avenues, and dead ends. how would you start?
what do you do with all the knowledge you have gained? how do you deal with the realisation that you cannot continue down the path of aspiration?
I feel so lost..

Here it comes

down with the sickness, sniff cough sneeze all at the same time *multi-tasking*

my room should really get quarantined because my cold has turned into a deadly flu :( this week has been really crappy. flu = no work, so what do i do, waste my time on homeworld cataclysm damn i love old games like this! i'm too sick to play the piano and too tired to go out anywhere. is it just me or does flu medicine knock you out? it says non-drowsy but ... maybe its not working!!
updated design to blog, i've added a new header and tinkered with the background. i wanted to keep original template bg colour and just attach an image instead, i actually really like the old template - so for now the background image is just like a coating i suppose. minor changes.. i've yet to really edit the html script properly.. i just don't feel like it! takes time and high amounts of concentration to get it sorted.. bleh it 'looks' error-less so i won't complain.
bored now, i set a cataclysm game on hard and the cpu kicked my ass within 5 minutes flat. hyperspacing whores!!! my fleet stood no chance xD

phoned my boss today - my voice sounded so dead in the morning i barely had to say anything to convince him i'm sick to the bone - it hurts to laugh.. it really does. 

the 'perfect' time

so true...

it doesn't have to be perfect, but its time well spent. following the whole gazillion things i've been doing over the past months i found this week really event-less.. i actually miss keeping my mind busy and preoccupied with interview preparation, going to work every morning and simply enjoying the amount of walking i achieve every single day.
i bought myself some work clothes this week, tried them on and moaned at the figure staring at me in the mirror. typical.
i've also been hibernating for longer periods of time in bed. that needs to change with next week's schedule so close.. dania has to get organised. i need to hire a tutor or somehow come up with a working method of refreshing my memory. its not like i'm not reading (looks at lil sister) i've just been reluctant to do anything significant.. maybe its because of the injury, or maybe its because of my poor attempt at the assignment, ehh. i need to work on that and make the change i've been so desperate for :(
i can't say i'm looking forward to work, i think it will just be another typical 'caring' environment but still, i have to get organised. i only have a few weeks left to improve.. and i have to get better, theres no other way around this huge time-consuming hurdle... lucky me, moar shit to sort through.

a moment of calm

I wrote a huge essay here but instead i decided to delete it. i can bear my burden, i can cope with whats going on, and i can be patient. i have to remain positive and know that at the end of the day i have to keep an open mind and forgive people. everyone makes mistakes... i have to find my happiness and i have to find ways to regain what i've lost. i cant continue to depend on family, i'll always end up disappointed. so allow all of that! i'm going to have to do things differently, start fresh and build up my confidence, in myself.

waiting for the string to break

how do you teach an old cat new tricks?

suspense. its there, the long wait for what you know is going to happen. the time you know when all things fall apart, fall into chaos, fall into pieces. time stands still yet somehow still moving. the force that drives the order is crumbling right under your fingertips and knowing this, fumes you with anger, with rage. you were so much better back then, and you ask yourself: where did it all go wrong?
perhaps you knew it was all going to turn out this way, perhaps you wanted to see for yourself, perhaps you thought you were stronger than you really are. you now feel heavy, weak and powerless, unable to react strong enough or fast enough, to make a change, and escape. you crave for a glimmer of happiness, but the darkness, the guilt will always haunt you; like a shadow or a scar, it will never leave you. its too late to panic, its too late to be hopeful, things simply did not go the way you planned. emptiness, hurt and self pity fill your heart. you're not only angry at the world, you're also angry with yourself. nothing matters any more, nothing will ever fill the void you've created. nothing will fix your past.

I just watched Gray's Anatomy and it really got me thinking, I've been so stupid - i hadn't been thinking properly back in my younger years... i had no one to guide me at all, sure i'm amazing at art but where did it get me? i've wasted so much time... so much effort on meaningless pieces that i can simply shred to pieces! why on earth did i bother with art? what good did it do to me? i feel like it has destroyed my future. i'm torn between art and science, and i shouldn't be! and with that, i have developed so much hate for how things have turned out. knowing what i know now, i want to make a change to someone else's life, my little sister. it hurts knowing that no one was there for me to do the same, but i have to be the sword, i have to break this vicious cycle and be it if i get hated in return, in the end i know i've done what i can to change her future. i don't want her to turn out the way i did. i don't want her to struggle like i did, i don't want her to go through all the things i did and will be doing. i have to be that change for her sake, for her happiness in the end.

work =1/potential energy change

how long must one wait?

Last week has been really all about recovering from my injury. I managed to send out emails, sort out the bathroom upstairs (single handedly) and.. uhh i can't remember. from internet statistics, 37% of inline skate injuries are wrist injuries, and 87% of the trauma felt/fractions prevented are due to protective wrist guards. thank god i'm in that majority, alhamdu'allah it wasn't anything more severe. i had x-rays done today and as it turns out, i haven't fractured anything (yay) though i still have the pain.. i can't lift anything heavier than 2 glasses of coke... which is an improvement from last week but still, i can barely flex my wrist to carry out... normal stuff like lifting my bag from the car, dressing myself without the "ouch ouch ouch"... strapping on a bra (or taking one off) is the worst. ever. pain. aghh...

ouch ouch ouch! bad wrist = difficulty doing this ^

i applied to another job today, out of curiosity.. gosh why can't i just get a damn healthcare assistant job?! i'll be happy once i get one, until then, i feel like i'm always peeking behind me, frequently! i feel like its all wrong if i don't get a hca job grrr why is this so hard?! heal wrist, heal damn you! you're making me cranky and very negative to be around!! :L

Old habits die hard

my focus for the past 2 weeks has been in shambles. who ever said you can do it overnight is a damn liar. how on earth can one expect to finish at all? nothing seems to have gone the way i had planned, of course nothing ever does! what am i supposed to do now? roll over and die? no way - i'm in this for the long run. i have to do my best and i have to keep my faith. i can do this. i know i can. 

i let the worst get the best of me, and i can't ever do that again. never again. i could feel my insides crying out in rage - my head immensely hurting, my muscles aching, my stomach burning, my breath all shallow and my poor tired self just unable to take on all this weight. can i really handle all this? i can't doubt myself. i have to have faith - i can't rely on life to become better, i have to somehow find the strength to fight through this obstacle. i cry as i type this for i know i am so much better than this. despite my state of mind and body, i have to face my fears, embrace whats yet to come and improve. this cannot happen again. this state of old habit has to die. there is no other way.

one fugly week

only one thing i could say to really describe my week: shit. majority of the time i was shadowing i was thinking what the fuck?! i was lost and my incompetence really frikin showed. i hate being new, i like adapting quickly, i listen attentively to make sure i learn but when the teaching is rushed or lacking its not my fault. i tried i really really tried! i was so pissed off on sunday, i couldn't even look at the girl i was shadowing. now for the rest of the week i don't have to think about it. agh its frustrating being new. i don't like being bossed around, i don't like it when things are not explained, and i really don't like it when i get ill-treated. the blasted woman didn't even want me in the room as she wrote the daily notes, sending me to photocopy crap aghh!!! that really pissed me off, i was there to learn how to do my job not be pestered out of the room while she gabs on behind my back about how terrible i am aghh die die die!
sucks being me right now, not only did i have a crap weekend, but also my schedule for study has been completely thrown off-course. every time i try to organise my time something crops up, something always crops up. like today i left work exp. early so i can catch my adviser before the centre closes, and i miss the damn train. whats the point of trying? i ended up so damn late that the centre had closed for the day completely. damn public transport!!! tomorrow it would be too late, fuck this shit.
i don't know how the hell am i supposed to get to the hospital and back now, if i do go, where the hell am i going to be? how the hell am i supposed to get there?! i'm setting up myself for disappointment, i just know it :( aghhhh!!

one offer, two offers, three... oh shi~

what to do?

today i got a reply from the physio guys about the paperwork.. but i also happen to be selected for assessment as a hca in another department. problem now is... i really wanted that hca role, but the physio role is actually quite rare. i'm stuck, i don't know whether to say yes to physio or apply for hca and hope for the best x.x

either way it would look bad... considering both roles are within the same damn hospital ahh!!

so much so much to do, it seems that all my hard work is finally catching up to me, in an invasion of all free time kind of way too.. i'm no where near the right state of settlement to begin to organise my time.

will need to think more about this in the morning :L for now, its bed tym..zZ

a job offer is not definitive

sucks to be in the dark

i'm getting really worried about the job 'offer' i received last week as i still haven't had anything come through my post. it all takes time, i know, but i can't help but think of the worst.. what if they decided to offer someone else my position? does that even happen? ehh i'm not in a good place right now :(

nothing happened today - i'm just overly anxious, tired and bleh.

one door closes and two open

freedom of choice always has a compromise

I couldn't be more right! i was unsuccessful today at getting the job at london.. but the physio guy got back to me today just as i was leaving work experience and the dude had good news for me! i have been offered a job! YES YES YES! thats 2 jobs now.. a full time and a part time weighing on my shoulders and i have to choose one of them :(
both are essentially good, fruitful and have some really nice people there. the care home is like a female infested ground and the physio is just... i dunno.. it seems a little too admin-related. i need the experiences and they both seem good... agh i hate choosing! the care home ladies were amazingly flexible with me about the hours, and i could actually see myself doing the role but at the same time the physio is just one of those rare jobs.. you get to see so much.. ahh i think i should choose physio. logically i would benefit more from this.. but i really don't know any of the specifics for this job role. maybe its what i need to really start a career.. it seems so different to what i intended to do, or was hoping to do - still i've yet to experience the wrath of hospitals.. i hate choosing.. why cant i have both? :( actually maybe thats a poor decision.. maybe.. i don't know.. i need more information.

i can't decide whether i should be happy or sad about these news.. still 2 job offers are better than none and i honestly am finally glad that employers are finally taking me seriously. though, i don't want to choose between them! can't i have both? big decisions to be made and not enough time to do them. regardless i want to continue my volunteer work though i got a feeling theres nothing more that b can teach me. i've pretty much done so much background reading that when i asked b for advice she gave nothing more than what i already know. perhaps because a volunteer is not expected to act on life-threatening scenarios? most likely but still, its worth having an ally in the field, at least shes been there and has done this before.

conflicting points of interest & results

thats what i did today, totally productive

so far everything has been running smoothly, everything in my puzzle of organisation has fitted perfectly on the board, till i got an interview yesterday... which would conflict with a training date i have with a care home. dammit why?! i really really don't want to cancel it but it seems like that is the best option considering the distance i would have to travel and the extra costs that would go towards this place if i get accepted. my adviser is not going to be happy but i think that despite this set back, alhamdu'allah for all the positive news i have received.

simply working hard is never enough *takes whip out* HARDER, BETTER, STRONGER, FASTER!

my 8-paged application definitely caused an impression on one of my interviewers - though not in a good way they wanted less text and more to the point - which honestly, could not be done if i intend to address every point in the person specification! all this interview experience would come in useful, and i really really liked the london placement it was amazing! i met so many friendly and lovable characters who i would have really wanted to know more about, keep in touch with and so on... problem is, i might not get offered this placement as everyone i spoke to were incredibly dedicated and committed to the jobs. with my mere 2 month experience i am unmatchable in so many ways unfortunately.

nevertheless i also had a pleasant yet long interview within the physio placement. i felt like i could really do this job, and relate to all the things being done in the placement but at the same time the area looked slightly isolated which is not my preference, i would rather converse with a wider community and diverse body... but meh.. at least i think i did good, i'll just have to wait and see. i came out smiling from that interview - they liked my (very relevant)  anime doodles in the scenario questionnaire hehe

i got offered a place with those weird interview people which is awesome! i'm feelin the love, FINALLY! i have been looking for over 3 months! yay me :D

keep going forward - because theres no point going back when the world keeps spinning on and on

b was all weird today at volunteering - i hope she doesn't have a grudge against me.. i am slightly older than the people there and thats an advantage i suppose as i can handle more things... or maybe its my professional manner? its not the first time i had intimidated someone with my awesomeness HAH! lulz.... oh dear!

Lightning - Final Fantasy XIII-2

this is the first time that i didn't take notice of the new release of final fantasy game... which feels weird i had missed playing 11, 12, 13, 14 and i would also get to miss playing final fantasy 13-2 so yeah.. feels weird not keeping up with square enix. i'm not regretting it, as i found myself get attached to new things that are more beneficial for both myself and others. i like this new me, i can be more proud of this one :3

mad world

enlarge your world, mad world

last week has been crazy. if i wasn't at work experience, it was at some interview. problem now is, i have been offered a part time job but that compromises my work experience. i really want to continue this work experience as it does not interfere with my new part time contract, but it might be a death sentence for both. i really really want to continue this work experience and not hinder my chances of getting a job :(
whats the point of the whole experience if it could end just like that?! i want to finish what i started, i want to ensure that i am doing the right thing by taking this route and i really hope that the people in charge could really see my determination :(

what happens if i fail?

i went to an open day yesterday. i have to say, there are so many people wanting this so hard i have to step back and think of whether this is really worth it. i have to revise like crazy and on top of it all, i have to ensure that i get a job asap. last week has really made me a road kill. theres so much to do that when i get home all i want is to sleep. its physically challenging for me, and i could only hope that it gets better from here. i am really skeptical of my chances as i met so many amazing role models, i almost cried yesterday on the train. what are my chances really of getting in? i have to drive myself harder, and i have to let go of my previous experiences as they are worth nothing now. nothing i did previously is sufficient, chances of me getting into this is so slim i can't bear to think of what happens if i step off the platform. its completely unpredictable and i hate that. i don't like being out of control. i have to know that i can do this. i hate myself, i have to improve & endure.

Season's greetings

with the end of the month slowly creeping in, i'm getting more and more anxious as to why i don't jave a job yet.. i've been working on nothing but applications the past week and i'm really not liking the outcome so far!
there was a job posted last night that i really really wanted to apply for, and i've been working so darn hard perfecting my application for the role... i slept at 5am last night and i only had a little to write to finish off my application. this morning i get on, and poof! advert is gone :( i'm still kicking myself for not finishing the application... even if it was early darn it, it went on the website for less than a day!
are applications in london so hard to get? are they so heavily demanding that people just don't advertise there anymore? :(

Dismantle.Repair

Informal visit to a theatre yesterday and dammit if I ever get that role I'll quit zombie slaying forever - my gruesome satisfaction of headshot counts, and blood, gutts and limbs splattered everywhere will be fulfilled. I'll be contempt, satisfied, convinced that black ops zombies is a time wasting mission that can never ever be complete. 4 days of no zombies and I'm still going. I have to admit though, every time my sister comes into my room - well, we both share the keen interest to increasing our ranking in the scoreboards! *sigh* I need this job... :/ life has to get better... right?

Through Chaos as it Swirls... Its just Us against the World - Coldplay (2011)
Picture taken on plane from Romania in October 2011

Why are people so difficult? Being generous, letting people decide what to do for themselves, letting others have some equality, sharing the success... and what do they do? Go out of their way to ensure your life with them becomes a living hell! This is what the new tenants have been doing. Dad generously let & helped them make their new place a home and what do they do? Veto the agreement & contract, don't pay rent, avoid communication, squirm when you go see them in person, threaten to leave, cause damage to the inside of the house. What on earth is wrong with these people? Why would they do something like this? 2 months in and they're being this wacky I honestly fear of what's yet to come. It isn't fair, this isn't natural... what causes such people to react this way? My dad is a good honest man, noble and charitable. These people have no right to treat him no less than the kindness he had showed them.

and breathe..

its 3.41am as i'm writing this, i have a specsavers appointment for some trial contacts in the morning at 10, i seriously need a wash and so i need to wake up as early as 8am in order to be ready for that appointment. i'm not happy, in fact i'm freaking out. i've read some blog posts about people who have "successfully" acheived what i'm trying to do and i'm freaking out. how on earth did these people have the time to fulful their life-long wish and ambition? baby steps can't even describe the sheer motivation and drive behind these people. with that said, i'm freaking out. its november and i need some responses to my huge number of emails!!! aaahh! i need to get the ball rolling i'm so scared!
the house was turned upside down and is drowning in clothes because dad decided "oh screw this i'm not gonna sort through the 10-year-old wardrobes, i'll just dump them everywhere" and obviously, its all over the stairs, the couch, sofa bed, and even in the bathroom. i'm talking about clothes that have been neglected for a period of as far as 10 years. aghh it hurts me to talk about my parents like this but i think with age, cranky-ness and impatience tends to grow. theres no order, which makes me even more motivated to gtfo asap. i'm a terrible daughter... THE WHOLE HOUSE IS A MESS!
back to my other problem, i really really really need replies. after what i've read, and seen this weekend... i need a response dammit!

displacement where grounds were warm

because hope just takes a bite out of your heart making it black like this feather

i'm in a funny mood today - i think i woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something.. i had an appointment this morning at the job centre to try to figure out where to look for jobs etc. problem is, the person i spoke to, honestly didn't have a clue about what i wanted.. maybe i'm not clear about what i want - meh i just wanted to do masters. i don't like being confused, i don't like the fact that i don't actually know anyone who has been in my position.... even good old google with all the answers doesn't seem to have an answer to my questions. google labs should make a thing that could tell you more about yourself.. or what jobs you can apply for.

however despite this whining and self pitty - at least i took a step today, at least i made an effort to search and thats more than i can recall doing when i was with sainsburys.. i guess i just needed to lose something in order to get something else.... or it just proves that i was waaay too comfy in my job and all the people i knew. dania start aiming high and stop shooting yourself in the foot, woman!
i've been decluttering my room - that right now, if i open my wardrobe, i can sigh with relief! its not all clogged up with clothes i'm not going to wear, instead, everything is neat. i only have what i need, and thats how i like it. i can actually see some space there, and thats an achievement! i feel better - the thing is, the whole house needs to feel like my wardrobe, at the moment its one big storage bin. everything just seems to get in, and no relief is returned to the house. baby steps.

< insert something appropriate --->

today while i was working mum came over. the look on her face when she approached me as i was code checking.. it was a look of affection, a look of pity, a look of feeling sorry. at that moment i knew she had given up on me going to uni this year.
it almost brought tears to my eyes.. her tone of voice really struck knives down my back. she told me: dad has been speaking to some girls at work, and they advised him on how to land a job there. she asked, whether i'd be interested. of course i'd be interested.. but its kinda obvious, first come, first serve basis was always the case. regardless, i can't get her image, her face out of my head. it has consumed me today, and almost drained me. insha'allah things will work out. insha'allah this struggle will be over soon. insha'allah i'd make her proud someday..

taking back sunday

seems like all the people around me are depressed. here was me on my free day, i love spending those extra moments in bed stretching before waking up - that was abruptly interrupted by a lot of screaming, shouting, and the reminder of reality: i'm still living with my parents.

after a day of preventing any form of arguments (and failing most of the time.. aghh), rearranging furniture and scrubbing the kitchen sink/work space areas i really need a good game of zombies on black ops! it seems that i always end up with foreign/noobs that don't know how to communicate and survive above level 15. kitchen scrubbing wasn't as bad as i had anticipated. mum had asked me to wash the dishes.. but oh my oh my.. the amount of filth i saw really made me cringe i had to scrub it clean :/ sometimes you have to do what it takes to cheer someone up - i hope that i cheered mum because cleaning the crap out of the kitchen isn't one of my usual chores. in fact since i don't cook, i don't usually linger around the kitchen. its mum's special place and it never feels right invading it in any form o.o since i was scrubbing the skink i thought i might as well concentrate on the area where the washing up is placed, and food is cooked... meh.. 2 hours and 30 mins scrubbing... u.u; .. i'm not complaining; i'm just tired. i can't feel my fingers. i hope mum feels better tomorrow.. i really hope. insha'allah.