so overwhelmed :(

5 things that went well today 

1. i sorted the website layout
2. i feel much better health wise
3. i was able to begin thinking about the future for the website and how it will be integrated with youtube
4. went over the workshop handouts
5. i had nice food mum cooked :o

 5 things that you are thankful for 

1. food :D
2. my computer
3. my supportive parents
4. being able to apply my knowledge
5. having a warm place to work :)

 2 things that you would like to improve

1. set the tasks and plan out how long they will take
2. email the trust about my decision for business
3. schedule uploads and inform artists about the schedule
4. social media stuff repostings
5. contact potential people for collabs

futile past, uncertain future

it's difficult when all you ever knew was to have this one dream, be this one person. when reality hits and what you have disappears, it's traumatic to move on.
nonetheless, life continues, and your family expect you to move on, but how do you do it?
firstly you begin by asking yourself:

1. what's important to you?

you make a list of all the things that you think are important, in any case.. this list should be a priority list of things dear to your heart.

2. are you giving these important things time?

then you figure out how much time you are giving to these important things in your life.

for example, i would assume family would be a priority on a lot of people's list, are you giving family enough time or are you ignoring this key ingredient of life?

3. what do you feel right now? is there something that you can do today to make it better for you?

the next step is to look at your day so far and find out how you can make it better. for example, if you have neglected cleaning your room, or perhaps wanted to do the laundry so that the weekend will be free to do other things.. do it now to free up your time in the future. 

4. fill in empty spaces with things you wish to achieve 

time you earned from making today better, fill it with what you want to do. it might be a simple art project you have been pondering about, or a gym session you have been eyeing for a while - say yes to new opportunities and fill your time with self developments. 

from here you will begin to find your feet again, get out of depression (fingers crossed) and move on to the next chapter of your life.

it's not going to be easy, and i have to admit.. i have never cried so much in my entire life as much as this month. it has been a struggle but all things must pass, and looking back is painful. learn to forgive yourself and accept the past as a lesson, not to repeat the mistakes again.

hiatus

i need a break from this - i'll be back soon with some more meaningful posts. thanks for visiting (& reading) :3

the dark days

today i had to give a notice, and provide an end date with the nursing home. its been really nice and all, but everything has to have an ending. sooner or later my time will be consumed with other priorities and so i have to keep on top of things. its always bitter when you end a good journey, it leaves a sour remain in the hearts of the people looking after you. perhaps its a feeling associated with letting those people down somehow by stepping down, or perhaps its just the reality that you've been shielded from simply by going about your day. its not always so green and wonderful on the other side, more than often its a complete disappointment.
nevertheless, its always good to make the most of what you have left. look beyond the bitter in people's hearts and care for whats really important, your significance, and how to become a better person. its never good to hear negative feedback, however its always better to take this on and use it as a challenge to get better.
i never thought i'd ever have to look after elderly! then again here i am, doing it and enjoying it strangely enough! despite this, i look at what i'm doing and somehow feel bad for myself. i know i deserve better, i know i am worth so much more, i should be treated so much better.. but this road, i chose to go with it. now i'm here i have to see it through, its not a chore, its a miracle i'm still here and carrying on. i've never been so proud of myself ever in my life. this feels right and the obstacles i have to endure, i know will only make me stronger.

blown out of the window

s small relief to a challenging month

there is this thing called 'necessities' and theres this other thing called 'MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE'
today they were merged. after quickly taking a peek at my pay slip, i sighed with relief for i've been waiting for this pay day very very patiently. not to say the least i splashed out today. lets.. call it an investment in the good future. i prefer to place my money into good use, so for today, i hope i've done the right thing, for me. i hope that i will truly benefit from this..

insha'allah

this is all halah money, its money i've earned through helping people and its the sweetest gift, or like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.. ehh i'm making it sound like its a lot.. its not really.. its tiny compared to what others with my degree are getting.. but at least i know its a money well deserved, its all i need right now

alhamdu'allah

just too crazy

think hospital work is boring? WRONG! in 5 days the following happened:

• a fire alarm was set off in the morning conveniently on my ward, just on a day i happened to be late. no patients are gonna get any treatment without me there BWAHAHAHA~
• diarrhoea outbreak leading to a ward closure - never fear the bugs tho, treatments must carry on (which also means moar hand washings)
• lady fell on floor and shattered her neck of femur into little shards of bones - looks awesome on the x-ray, but painful for the poor old lady (i hope she gets better, she was really nice too)
• killing streak on my job: 

1. T-roll i suggested for a patient WAS ACTUALLY IMPLEMENTED! woop woop :D

2. stairs assessment not done by some lame student WAS ACTUALLY IMPLEMENTED coz i said so!

3. 20mins to get ready for church! fastest time i ever got a resident to get changed and ready for the day 

*victory dance*

so with that aside i had today off. i went to london to get my olympic uniform sorted - and i have to say i am really impressed. the fit is amazing and the quality is yummy. thank you adidas thank you <3

its been a fine week for randomness woo ~ :]

every single day is special

there comes a time in life where you begin to let go of what you cannot control and focus on what can indeed be changed with will power and determination... a lot of determination can go a long way into making something impossible seem feasible and soon later, possible. its a matter of thinking of each and every single day as a day to celebrate yourself. celebrate your knowledge, celebrate the blessings and all the things you have available to you.
kindness and self-preservation are the keys to nurturing the spirit. in addition, the compilation of a journal of all the positive things you've done for people will soon fill you with joy and warmth. every single person is born with a mere purpose, learn from mistakes and improve. the journey of life is not a straight line. i can see that now from my experiences, from what others have seen and gone through. everything is a test, a hurdle waiting to be disseminated into order. your individual experience is a charity of your work, a gift of life, and therefore a gift of unique and utterly improbable freedom of will to learn and formulate your individuality. everyone is different yet we all share a common goal, and a common problem. 

One fine day (in bed)

is that porn i see behind your pillow mr?

no fun staying at home, i thought my flu would be all better today, instead i woke up to a cough spasm - i kept coughing and nothing came out! common! all the coughing took all the energy out of me and so for the rest of the day i've had to call in sick.. no fun times at the nursing home this weekend :( it used to be one of my highlights, to see the residents, and well... something always crops up keeping me motivated & engaged. last week i was at the top of my game, i put my organisation skills into good use, and so everyone was really enjoying their shift. i got to see one of the residents do some amazing walking skills.. i mean 2 residents: one who wasn't supposed to walk but managed to find their way & walk to the dinning area while the other had helped themselves to the toilet (with somewhat success.....) and even put themselves to bed. it amused me what some people get up to, its all lulz in elderly care. i couldn't stop smiling, bless the elderly nation! i love their keen determination and 'can do' attitude.

no fun for me this weekend sadly, i uninstalled homeworld cataclysm, its just unnecessary stress to my tired and very sick self at the moment. i looked at some of my art stored on the computer.. i'm so good at it but its really no longer what i want to do. though, it got me thinking.. its always me designing for others, its always me doodling for other people and i've never ever had anyone do any art for me. its really remarkable isn't it? bubble burst - i think i intimidate people -in terms of my art skills and expectations at least. no one dares to approach me with a gift of their art work.. bleh dunno if thats a good thing or a bad thing? mixture of both perhaps? i dunno.. the only thing i could find was this:

 and 
(which i had to colour... lol)

not feelin the love hahah oh well.. what can ya do eh? i'm hard to impress xD

avengers

a low point at work is never a good thing. i found myself getting the glooms over the incompetence of others and then i thought to myself... why are you so bothered?! listed all the good things i've done and accomplished... i never thought i'd get through it... my desperation for a job? for the experience? for the sanity of my mind? i did the things i needed to do, and i should feel whole, accomplished and self-valued. what people do cannot influence my mood, my stress, my motivation. i'm my own determination, and the people around me are mere distractions! who cares if someone decided to change plans, evade their expectations, frustrate over work... for all that i am, i need to learn and listen, not be the centre of the universe. my time will come, patience, perseverance and offering assistance as need be is what i can only do right now.

all i can say is:

alhamdu'allah al'atheem

the long road

its so easy to say i'm going to do something. when you look back at all the things you promised yourself to do.. you really do get disappointed! its not so easy to do everything just as easy as it is to say you would do it.
this is called making empty promises - and it really doesn't help you in the long run. many people find that the lack of ability to carry out their tasks exerts stress and pressure on their lives. it would feel as though the whole world is against you, but in reality, setting out higher expectations doesn't really come without its side effects: stress, anxiety, procrastination..
what actually needs to happen is setting out goals that you could actually achieve. its the only way you'd be able to be satisfied with your abilities.. though don't mistaken this for repetitive tasks. set out a schedule to complete tasks over a period of time and stick to your schedule. by doing this you could take off the unnerving stress and pressure associated with completing a task in short notice. plan out your time and recognise that you have to be flexible. its not always easy starting something so give yourself time to adapt and build up your motivation.

revision for exams, completing dissertations, planning a big event, basically anything challenging requires time and commitment. nothing can be done simply through wishing. 

to grow

no amount of waiting will tell you what you really need to do

we read guidelines, we follow rules... and if something goes wrong, we tend to try to fix things, and move on. thats life for most people. where would we be if there was no order? things have to be in place to be peaceful. training your mind to empathise with others, telling yourself you can do so much more.. you all strive to be the best you could be - so why do you tend to try so hard to impress others but when it comes to yourself, you let yourself down? is that what you call empathy? how can you empathise with others if you cannot empathise with yourself first?

i found myself lost in an obstacle course.. trying to find out a hidden meaning to what i'm doing but in reality its plain simple. everyone has their role to play in life. how well you do your job depends entirely on your commitment and compassion. you're a professional body in an army of workforce and your purpose there is to do your job. there is no need for complements or the feel good drag - all thats there is you, doing your job correctly, and with dignity. everyone has a role to play in this world, and in this job, thank God for all the blessings and fortune that has been bestowed to you. in this work force you need to find yourself, and to do that you need to be the best you could be.

happiness comes from achievement, so achieve something great today, chin up and get on with it.

inconsistent yet provocative

stone sour

day 2 has been a complete inconsistent, some people think they can get away with things while others believe that they could be ever so responsible that allow me to do nothing. everything that happens would inevitably come down to the fact that i have not had my induction, or uniform, or training to allow me to carry out my role.
nevertheless things will fall into place eventually and i should really draw my concern away from work issues to more prevalent and important aspects of my life that would inevitably affect my future. i have to tread carefully and concentrate on whats really important, everything else will be ignored. inner peace really has its down falls, you have to pick your battles carefully, and kindness has to be out of everything you do, doesn't matter who you're dealing with, everyone is human and so deserves to be treated equally, no matter how much of a dumb ass you think they are. important thing is that you're there and you can make a difference in someone else's life, be it hell, or for the better.
speaking of concentrating on important bits - i need to get back to exercising regularly. for the sake of my sanity and others'! today i found myself bored to death with conversations about 'cute pets'. despicable time-wasting and empty conversations about nothing. whats worse, its between middle-aged women... common there has to be more interesting things to talk about. hey how about the NHS strike? will you be striking your foot in your boss's mouth and calling it a bank holiday? oh its on the 10th of May - have fun. please save me from this place and these people :/

deus ex machina

spread your wings

today has been very weird.. i've tried to define the events that took place and i haven't been able to really understand this place yet. it all feels empty, meaningless and quite literally a chore. i had information overload with navigation, terms, acronyms, understanding the basics, etc. one important question: what does the job entail is yet to be answered i don't feel like i've established this core and important question. everything seems off and disorganised... the aspects of work are all to new and i still don't really understand what my job here really is. what? am i supposed to somehow come up with a meaning to all this? certainly my first day has done no good.
i felt very claustrophobic today in the staff room. so many people sitting so close to each other, in a narrow L-shaped room really made me want to leave as soon as possible. i don't think that i'm quite ready for this.. i don't like being trapped and today thats what it felt like.
a hospital environment isn't as good as i thought.. well i honestly didn't have any high expectations but still, i wanted this and now i have to work hard to get accustomed to this new environment. everyone was friendly, then again, everyone would be on your first day. standard protocol.

waiting for the string to break

how do you teach an old cat new tricks?

suspense. its there, the long wait for what you know is going to happen. the time you know when all things fall apart, fall into chaos, fall into pieces. time stands still yet somehow still moving. the force that drives the order is crumbling right under your fingertips and knowing this, fumes you with anger, with rage. you were so much better back then, and you ask yourself: where did it all go wrong?
perhaps you knew it was all going to turn out this way, perhaps you wanted to see for yourself, perhaps you thought you were stronger than you really are. you now feel heavy, weak and powerless, unable to react strong enough or fast enough, to make a change, and escape. you crave for a glimmer of happiness, but the darkness, the guilt will always haunt you; like a shadow or a scar, it will never leave you. its too late to panic, its too late to be hopeful, things simply did not go the way you planned. emptiness, hurt and self pity fill your heart. you're not only angry at the world, you're also angry with yourself. nothing matters any more, nothing will ever fill the void you've created. nothing will fix your past.

I just watched Gray's Anatomy and it really got me thinking, I've been so stupid - i hadn't been thinking properly back in my younger years... i had no one to guide me at all, sure i'm amazing at art but where did it get me? i've wasted so much time... so much effort on meaningless pieces that i can simply shred to pieces! why on earth did i bother with art? what good did it do to me? i feel like it has destroyed my future. i'm torn between art and science, and i shouldn't be! and with that, i have developed so much hate for how things have turned out. knowing what i know now, i want to make a change to someone else's life, my little sister. it hurts knowing that no one was there for me to do the same, but i have to be the sword, i have to break this vicious cycle and be it if i get hated in return, in the end i know i've done what i can to change her future. i don't want her to turn out the way i did. i don't want her to struggle like i did, i don't want her to go through all the things i did and will be doing. i have to be that change for her sake, for her happiness in the end.

work =1/potential energy change

how long must one wait?

Last week has been really all about recovering from my injury. I managed to send out emails, sort out the bathroom upstairs (single handedly) and.. uhh i can't remember. from internet statistics, 37% of inline skate injuries are wrist injuries, and 87% of the trauma felt/fractions prevented are due to protective wrist guards. thank god i'm in that majority, alhamdu'allah it wasn't anything more severe. i had x-rays done today and as it turns out, i haven't fractured anything (yay) though i still have the pain.. i can't lift anything heavier than 2 glasses of coke... which is an improvement from last week but still, i can barely flex my wrist to carry out... normal stuff like lifting my bag from the car, dressing myself without the "ouch ouch ouch"... strapping on a bra (or taking one off) is the worst. ever. pain. aghh...

ouch ouch ouch! bad wrist = difficulty doing this ^

i applied to another job today, out of curiosity.. gosh why can't i just get a damn healthcare assistant job?! i'll be happy once i get one, until then, i feel like i'm always peeking behind me, frequently! i feel like its all wrong if i don't get a hca job grrr why is this so hard?! heal wrist, heal damn you! you're making me cranky and very negative to be around!! :L

bone cracking

ehh everything cracks... feet, knees, back, top neck, arm, shoulders, hands, elbows, lower back, hips... aghh whats going on?! i couldn't sleep last night at all.. all i could think about was today. how am i supposed to handle today. if only i had so much enthusiasm as i have for... well everything else i wouldn't be in this situation. CRACK CRACK CRACK

astaghfur allah alatheem. 

like i said a while back... nothing comes easy with me. nothing at all. i have to do with what i've got and live. my essay today was... ehh not my best work.. i was all hyper on pro+ that my knees couldn't stop moving - i was shaking like i was on crack or something.. ehh caffeine moment. i over-dosed LOL?

so i had an interview yesterday... so many questions asked today were all related to university work. i kept thinking to myself WOO PEPTIDES!  but one thing though, what the hell is partial hydrolysis?! and suponification?! ehh that really threw me off i was thinking soap-making process... maybe? ummm maybe? concave lenses and partial pressure, ideal gas and henry's law... yeah i need to brush on my knowledge :/ the stuff i got asked were not anywhere in my comfort zone. i mean common wheres all the physio-related stuff? oh and the heart questions kicked my ass. i used common sense but wtf.. doing physiology at uni did not really help ¬¬

kudos for making my day insanely intimidating. i'm still having the interview in my head way after what happened. i'm just glad i'm still... alive. this has to be one of the hardest things i've done this year.. i just hope they didn't torture me... just to reject me :(

moar life & skates

so today was the last day of work experience. i have to say that without those amazing people, i would have probably combusted a long time ago. its amazing how when you're about to lose control and someone comes in and offers you a saving hand, its very inspiring and i will always treasure the experience gained from this work throughout. valuable lessons were learned and i can actually say, i'm proud of myself. i never thought i'd embark on such an amazing route, and a steep curve of a completely different learning experience, for once in my life, i can actually say to myself: you did good.  alhamdu'allah alatheem

i really feel like i need to get back to skating, today i did megaz0r research on the best inline skates to get considering that my £15.00 pair destroy my feet everytime i use them. besides, i don't actually know where i've put them LOL
so, i found a reasonable pair, at a somewhat reasonable price, from france! insha'allah this year i can better myself in other ways too, i really hope to get back into skating, i really enjoyed it when i was younger, and i continue to long to do so again. this pair is an investment and a promise to myself, as well as an award for all my hard work. i feel like i deserve a different type of destressor, and i hope that i'll make friends who share my passion for skating too on the way. heres the pair i bought:

K2 CELENA 2011 90mm skates

comfort, speed and design really grabbed my attention in this beauty, and considering that there was only one size left, i took the honours of claiming it mine :3 insha'allah it will be as good as it has been rated, i really want to get back into skating. i'm so excited!

one goal, so many disappointments

we can't all be clones

this week i've been thinking: what the hell do these people expect us to do? why go through all this trouble of experience if at the end of the day sitting in an office you won't be using it?! i can understand caring.. ok but seriously the majority of things that are really relevant would be some managerial kind of work.. wouldn't that be more relevant? how is washing elderly with soap a gold star? darn my frustrations.. another weekend in the slumps and people are starting to ask weird and awkward questions. my personal life is not for others to pry on. i'd be more interested if you people talk intellectually instead of jumping ropes to find out about my personal life. you don't see me do it to you, so why do it to me?

i know how to shuffle a nappy under an elderly now, w00p w00p. i wiped an elderly's bottom today while they decided to piss everywhere as i was almost finished. i picked out clothes for a blind lady today yaay... dad decided to pick me up 2 hours after my shift ended, yayyy... sucks not having my own car but i must persevere.. all this has to end well, somehow, someday.... i hope :(

truth from fibs - not an easy judgement call

yesterday has been eye opening in so many ways. i know i was supposed to be shadowing but honestly, i found it more useful choosing the people that had seemed competent at doing their role than to follow others i was assigned to. regardless of whom i was shadowing, i needed to learn. i took matters to my own hands, after all i need to get on with the job soon enough and the more perspective and opportunities i had the better. allow giving a resident a spa bath, i was really more interested in how to deal with difficult people, and i made that my own aim for the day.
i dodged a falcon punch and an elbow attempt from a lady with broken mood swings. multiple personality disorder might be at play but honestly, i was lucky.. i could have been beaten up! that lady knows how to punch O_O; all that just for assisted personal care. meh.. to be honest i would have done exactly the same thing if anyone violated my personal space. i feel somewhat offended because i completely valued her dignity and treated her in the most professional manner yet at the same time i know that i shouldn't judge, its her illness causing her to really act this way. aghh difficult much?
later on i spent 30 mins with a resident who really needed someone to talk to. i've been told i give great advice to others, this was my opportunity to use my skills to make someone feel better. even though i had never been in a similar situation to what the resident had described, i could somewhat picture exactly what my instincts would make me do, and i was able to reassure the resident and perhaps even mend a broken friendship which is always a good thing :) screw shadowing for the moment! i spoke to one of the nurses to see if they would check up on the resident and they simply said - she might have been dreaming! oh dear how do you tell the difference between truth and fibs? can the resident truly be telling the truth? she seemed upset enough, she needed someone to talk to, and i offered that listening ear... ehh i hope that whether it was true or not, she is feeling less lonely and indeed more at peace.
later in the evening i was faced with another resident who truly believed that all the 'caring' we're providing was just a game. he wanted to 'play' along, make scenarios and i have to say, the stuff coming out of his mouth were so baffling i couldn't stop laughing. i'm sure he's trying to humour the moment too, make his living more interesting so to speak. though unbuttoning the lower half of his shirt was nothing to be funny about, whether he was testing our witts or playing with our tolerance levels God knows, it was funny as hell though. it didn't help the fact that he was wearing a pad, LOLOLOLOL ok evilness aside, yesterday was one awesome day. i learned so much w00p w00p. oh and i passed manual handling on saturday! gratz pour moi :3

who's going to save the world tonight?

today has been like living in someone else's life.. i woke up from a dream of watching myself skydive... without a parachute, diving through the air saving someone while grabbing something that i had lost before my jump (off the plane).. ehh i wasn't scared, i wasn't in pain, i wanted to grab this one thing, which i did and resumed to diving towards that person... i can't tell if that was a boy/girl but meh.. i guess that didn't really matter at the time.
went to work experience, helped out where i can, made a few phone calls, ate lunch, helped out a lil more on computers and called it a day. on my way back i went to a bookshop called 'the works' they had many items on sale, and bought myself a lovely 3-in-1 book about life, i dunno i guess i need a new perspective. i need advice on how to cope with people in a difficult position, and really i just wanted something that i could learn from on the train to and from work. i got myself another edition of the theories book - i really liked the science version so i decided to take the theories explained version too. its an awesome book that introduces you to complex science concepts.. awesome awesome stuffies :D
is it weird that i am seeking advice from books? i hope not..
i was speaking to this lady who does agency work, shes got 19 years of experience and was telling me about her likes and dislikes about care. i found the conversation highly insightful and very reassuring. at least i know i'm on the right tracks :3 just that little boost of confidence from someone with experience helps so much, and kinda motivated more to carry on with what i'm doing. lovely day - unlike tomorrow which i fear is going to be so demanding on me both mentally and physically. i started making record of my steps on my ipod today. i did a total of 6000 steps today (excluding the walking around done at work) my day target is 10000 steps woo xD
hopefully tomorrow's steps would be slightly more considering i'll be going all over the place insha'allah... so to speak.