time heals

they say that time heals all wounds. i would like to believe this, i would like to say that i am moving on though it seems that i am more becoming numb to the pain than anything.
however i am starting to grow with frustration. i would like to escape from my current state of stasis.
i need something to help me get back on my feet so i've started looking for jobs, i've started to clean out my room, and i've started to take care of myself - but i need to do more.
with ramadhan around the corner i feel like i need a new outlook on life. i need to learn more about my religion to discover a new point of view. i hope to complete the qur'an this month, and surround myself with meaningful motivational pictures to help transform my current state into a more positive and productive vision.
i hope to report back here everyday of the month with my findings, in the hopes that something will sink in, something will flourish into greatness that i know i am certainly capable of.

We are the heroes of our time

i can't help but sense this tightness in my chest, whenever i look at anything related to medicine, it feels like my insides are getting squashed, my eyes tear with pain and my throat sinks so deep it's hard to swallow away my emotions. i feel like i betrayed myself, and the feeling never goes away, it lingers at the back of my mind no matter how hard i try to concentrate on the present and plan for the future. will this feeling ever go away?
my lack of motivation to do anything spans to the point where sleep is now my only escape.. for a while. however sometimes i wake only to remember i was actually also dreaming about medicine.
i'm not weak, i'd never let myself sink this low. medicine meant the world to me, i have always wanted to pursue this career, not doing it just makes me feel this depression that i just can't shake off.
how do i move on? how do i look past this mess? is there a sanctuary for people like me?

the pursuit of happiness

the past month has been really hard. going out anywhere reminds me of what i lost.. my purpose in life, my goals.. well i can't really go that route anymore.. so, what do?
one day i went out with my parents, my mum wants to get a new car. throughout the whole car ride i was fighting tears, leaving myself to think about everything just places me in a huge emotional bubble that i try to fight back and avoid. looking back is hurtful, and i think i really need some redemption.. though, i'm stuck. i don't know how to find my redemption.
i don't want to return to study, and i don't want any normal boring job. for goodness sake i was working in the hospital, every single day was different and i learned so much on the job. it's what inspired me to pursue medicine, my goal was to become a doctor.
everywhere i go now reminds me of what i lost. it's funny because before travelling i would go on this shopping spree and buy my whole closet for the season. i would look forward to learning new things everyday, see my friends, walk around the city, and i felt so free and alive. i felt like i was in the right place, i was studying something that inspired me to become a better person.

when all that was taken from me, now i feel like i have nothing but old memories, emotions i refuse to address and a horrible twisted feeling in my stomach that i cannot endure.
in clinical terms, i feel depressed. how do i get past this?

futile past, uncertain future

it's difficult when all you ever knew was to have this one dream, be this one person. when reality hits and what you have disappears, it's traumatic to move on.
nonetheless, life continues, and your family expect you to move on, but how do you do it?
firstly you begin by asking yourself:

1. what's important to you?

you make a list of all the things that you think are important, in any case.. this list should be a priority list of things dear to your heart.

2. are you giving these important things time?

then you figure out how much time you are giving to these important things in your life.

for example, i would assume family would be a priority on a lot of people's list, are you giving family enough time or are you ignoring this key ingredient of life?

3. what do you feel right now? is there something that you can do today to make it better for you?

the next step is to look at your day so far and find out how you can make it better. for example, if you have neglected cleaning your room, or perhaps wanted to do the laundry so that the weekend will be free to do other things.. do it now to free up your time in the future. 

4. fill in empty spaces with things you wish to achieve 

time you earned from making today better, fill it with what you want to do. it might be a simple art project you have been pondering about, or a gym session you have been eyeing for a while - say yes to new opportunities and fill your time with self developments. 

from here you will begin to find your feet again, get out of depression (fingers crossed) and move on to the next chapter of your life.

it's not going to be easy, and i have to admit.. i have never cried so much in my entire life as much as this month. it has been a struggle but all things must pass, and looking back is painful. learn to forgive yourself and accept the past as a lesson, not to repeat the mistakes again.

Dare to dream

What if one day you wake up and realise you've stopped dreaming. you realise that your previous motivations mean nothing now. the life you planned for the past couple of years.. well, they don't matter any more.

How do you get on and build new dreams? 

one thing i've always done was stick to what interests me, what makes me passionate, what makes me happy.
But, what if for the past couple of years all your efforts into achieving this goal to better yourself, to aim for THE dream.. they all suddenly come crashing down.
Depression is inevitable, it's what happens when your mind doesn't get what it wants, it's the hole that forms when your foundations are shook. how do you start to dream again? how do you build a new dream?
self development is a journey, with lots of roads, avenues, and dead ends. how would you start?
what do you do with all the knowledge you have gained? how do you deal with the realisation that you cannot continue down the path of aspiration?
I feel so lost..