futile past, uncertain future

it's difficult when all you ever knew was to have this one dream, be this one person. when reality hits and what you have disappears, it's traumatic to move on.
nonetheless, life continues, and your family expect you to move on, but how do you do it?
firstly you begin by asking yourself:

1. what's important to you?

you make a list of all the things that you think are important, in any case.. this list should be a priority list of things dear to your heart.

2. are you giving these important things time?

then you figure out how much time you are giving to these important things in your life.

for example, i would assume family would be a priority on a lot of people's list, are you giving family enough time or are you ignoring this key ingredient of life?

3. what do you feel right now? is there something that you can do today to make it better for you?

the next step is to look at your day so far and find out how you can make it better. for example, if you have neglected cleaning your room, or perhaps wanted to do the laundry so that the weekend will be free to do other things.. do it now to free up your time in the future. 

4. fill in empty spaces with things you wish to achieve 

time you earned from making today better, fill it with what you want to do. it might be a simple art project you have been pondering about, or a gym session you have been eyeing for a while - say yes to new opportunities and fill your time with self developments. 

from here you will begin to find your feet again, get out of depression (fingers crossed) and move on to the next chapter of your life.

it's not going to be easy, and i have to admit.. i have never cried so much in my entire life as much as this month. it has been a struggle but all things must pass, and looking back is painful. learn to forgive yourself and accept the past as a lesson, not to repeat the mistakes again.

Dare to dream

What if one day you wake up and realise you've stopped dreaming. you realise that your previous motivations mean nothing now. the life you planned for the past couple of years.. well, they don't matter any more.

How do you get on and build new dreams? 

one thing i've always done was stick to what interests me, what makes me passionate, what makes me happy.
But, what if for the past couple of years all your efforts into achieving this goal to better yourself, to aim for THE dream.. they all suddenly come crashing down.
Depression is inevitable, it's what happens when your mind doesn't get what it wants, it's the hole that forms when your foundations are shook. how do you start to dream again? how do you build a new dream?
self development is a journey, with lots of roads, avenues, and dead ends. how would you start?
what do you do with all the knowledge you have gained? how do you deal with the realisation that you cannot continue down the path of aspiration?
I feel so lost..

truth from fibs - not an easy judgement call

yesterday has been eye opening in so many ways. i know i was supposed to be shadowing but honestly, i found it more useful choosing the people that had seemed competent at doing their role than to follow others i was assigned to. regardless of whom i was shadowing, i needed to learn. i took matters to my own hands, after all i need to get on with the job soon enough and the more perspective and opportunities i had the better. allow giving a resident a spa bath, i was really more interested in how to deal with difficult people, and i made that my own aim for the day.
i dodged a falcon punch and an elbow attempt from a lady with broken mood swings. multiple personality disorder might be at play but honestly, i was lucky.. i could have been beaten up! that lady knows how to punch O_O; all that just for assisted personal care. meh.. to be honest i would have done exactly the same thing if anyone violated my personal space. i feel somewhat offended because i completely valued her dignity and treated her in the most professional manner yet at the same time i know that i shouldn't judge, its her illness causing her to really act this way. aghh difficult much?
later on i spent 30 mins with a resident who really needed someone to talk to. i've been told i give great advice to others, this was my opportunity to use my skills to make someone feel better. even though i had never been in a similar situation to what the resident had described, i could somewhat picture exactly what my instincts would make me do, and i was able to reassure the resident and perhaps even mend a broken friendship which is always a good thing :) screw shadowing for the moment! i spoke to one of the nurses to see if they would check up on the resident and they simply said - she might have been dreaming! oh dear how do you tell the difference between truth and fibs? can the resident truly be telling the truth? she seemed upset enough, she needed someone to talk to, and i offered that listening ear... ehh i hope that whether it was true or not, she is feeling less lonely and indeed more at peace.
later in the evening i was faced with another resident who truly believed that all the 'caring' we're providing was just a game. he wanted to 'play' along, make scenarios and i have to say, the stuff coming out of his mouth were so baffling i couldn't stop laughing. i'm sure he's trying to humour the moment too, make his living more interesting so to speak. though unbuttoning the lower half of his shirt was nothing to be funny about, whether he was testing our witts or playing with our tolerance levels God knows, it was funny as hell though. it didn't help the fact that he was wearing a pad, LOLOLOLOL ok evilness aside, yesterday was one awesome day. i learned so much w00p w00p. oh and i passed manual handling on saturday! gratz pour moi :3

who's going to save the world tonight?

today has been like living in someone else's life.. i woke up from a dream of watching myself skydive... without a parachute, diving through the air saving someone while grabbing something that i had lost before my jump (off the plane).. ehh i wasn't scared, i wasn't in pain, i wanted to grab this one thing, which i did and resumed to diving towards that person... i can't tell if that was a boy/girl but meh.. i guess that didn't really matter at the time.
went to work experience, helped out where i can, made a few phone calls, ate lunch, helped out a lil more on computers and called it a day. on my way back i went to a bookshop called 'the works' they had many items on sale, and bought myself a lovely 3-in-1 book about life, i dunno i guess i need a new perspective. i need advice on how to cope with people in a difficult position, and really i just wanted something that i could learn from on the train to and from work. i got myself another edition of the theories book - i really liked the science version so i decided to take the theories explained version too. its an awesome book that introduces you to complex science concepts.. awesome awesome stuffies :D
is it weird that i am seeking advice from books? i hope not..
i was speaking to this lady who does agency work, shes got 19 years of experience and was telling me about her likes and dislikes about care. i found the conversation highly insightful and very reassuring. at least i know i'm on the right tracks :3 just that little boost of confidence from someone with experience helps so much, and kinda motivated more to carry on with what i'm doing. lovely day - unlike tomorrow which i fear is going to be so demanding on me both mentally and physically. i started making record of my steps on my ipod today. i did a total of 6000 steps today (excluding the walking around done at work) my day target is 10000 steps woo xD
hopefully tomorrow's steps would be slightly more considering i'll be going all over the place insha'allah... so to speak.

embarrassing phone skills =_=

The best is yet to come

ok i must have done something right... today i received a phone call from the weird interview people asking me to come for a panel interview!!!! w00p w00p! regardless of how democratic that weird interview was, all i can say is alhamdu'allah. my efforts are finally paying off, at least i hope they are.
funny how i received that phone call i was in the toilet (oh yes), and my sis ran downstairs with my phone by the time she gave me the phone i tried to answer it quickly but ofcourse the ring tone was gone off for too long and i thought i missed the call. i rawr loudly in frustration at my phone as i glanced at the ticking timer indicating that the call was connected, and i hear a lady voice on the other side freaked out by my outraged rawr LOL she said 'uhm... hello?' and omg i laughed hysterically apologising as she spoke LOOOOOL oh dear lovely phone skills dania. LOOOL good thing she didn't change her mind about inviting me back for an interview hahahaa!

another time i did something like that was when i over-slept back in nottingham. i was supposed to be up at 5am but instead i got woken up by an unfortunate team leader who rang me in my sleep. apparently i screamed at her down the phone mumbling gibberish and leaving her on the line just hanging there... (i don't have any memory of actually screaming or answering the phone LOL) she couldn't stop laughing at me as i arrived late to work. she claimed she heard me rumble around the bed and adjusting my covers LOOOL

that too is true.. careful now

like with everything i do, it seems like the bad drags me down all the way through life and i only get to see glimmers of hope here and there. so i'm really skeptical of it all - happiness never lasts, to make something last you have to keep hammering that nail till it breaks.. or completely disappears. so yeah i shouldn't celebrate just yet. theres a life force of competition out there with so many people wanting what i want. even when theres a slight chance of being unique reality slaps your face back to earth. at least thats the case with me. never ever take happiness as a good thing. theres always a catch. theres always underlying decisions that will concur the outcome of your actions. it doesn't hurt to take an overall look at the situation and choose the most logical and sensible choice. though thats kinda looking a lil far so for now enjoy the feeling of interviews and prepare for the worst as it is yet to come, oh and yes it will most definitely come when you least expect it. life sucks like that. good feeling's gone. gg dania for getting on the gloom glooms and frowns out to good news.
on other news my back hurts. i accidentally did exercise today (yay?) and i think i might have over-done it..... no, actually i didn't... its just me - i'm so out of shape. i looked at myself today in the changing rooms and just thought to myself: yuck! time for a change.

putting pieces back together

inspiration: the sole purpose and drive to create something, to become so deeply influenced by something or someone, to be touched at heart by an idea so great that you must fulfil it in some way or form... is the greatest gift anyone could ask for. at the same time, if that inspiration comes from a source so completely unreachable, a goal thats so far away.. well.. it would kill you inside every day of your life knowing that you could never aspire to such grace. i cried while typing this last sentence.

i tell myself insha'allah every day, every time my mind wonders into that endless spiral of my own demise. i can't give up on my dream, but at the same time i have to be realistic, and take opportunities when they show themselves. i have to be alert of whats around me, and i have to focus.. thats the problem. i'm looking into so many different things that i cannot seem to concentrate on a single aim. i tried writing things down.. sure it stops the massive headache i get from thinking about.. everything; but its only a temporary solution and the less likely that i am to get anywhere. prioritising things doesn't really help. there are just so many things i want to do and just not enough drive to pursue the ideas further. they are just great ideas, thats all that they are and until i start doing something about them, thats what they would stay, just great ideas, lost to time. i have to start getting organised, i have to start accomplishing my goals, i have to start getting things done. i need to change the way i think from the impossible, and making things possible. i feel bitter about myself. nothing i aspire to, actually gets fulfilled and i really need to change that. insha'allah. wish me luck.

dream catchers can't catch every bad dream. true story.

lets talk bad dreams. ever had a dream that felt so real you woke up paranoid? confused? wanting to pee really really badly? 3 instances spring to mind lol. one time i dreamt that uhh.... this rooster-human hybrid clan were like the protectors of the earth. for some reason i got caught up in their little turmoil and they had offered me to drink this thing - which looked like was made in a lab... and to join them.. basically.
me, protector of all simply jumped to the idea not considering whether there were other hybrids out there. more powerful/wise and so on. all i wanted to do was help this clan. when i woke up i just thought to myself wtf?! a chicken-hybrid?! stupid birds can't even fly! i remembered that those hybrids were like the chinese calendar animals and were all at conflict and there was me.. choosing a rooster over dragons.. aghh.. dania you should have asked for dragons! you can't help everyone! dammit!
another dream i had was that i was in a hospital or something - its really old, like a hospice or something and i was in training there. i didn't know my way and i was just following instructions by the supervisor i was aiding. so it was getting to the end of the day, and she told me to help her to lock up - of course the windows were open so my instinct told me to close the windows. i did 3 windows just fine, but omg.. the fourth window.. as i approached to close it, i was frozen, literally petrified! i couldn't move anything but my eye lids. i was slowly elevated and remained in mid air helpless. i didn't know whether to be scared, acknowledge that its a dream and turn into a super saiyan and break free or to scream. everything just seemed at a standstill and all i could see was an open field outside this window. gosh i hated myself for being so helpless.. surely closing windows won't spark the supernatural and make them angry? meh.. when i woke up my heart was racing! i couldn't go back to sleep - horrible dream was horrible!
another bad experience was in homebase (gardening and home superstore). there was this green-like goblin following me around. everytime i looked around it had its gaze focused on me and after a few turns, explosives were getting thrown everywhere and the building began to collapse. i ducked for cover behind some isles and decided it was best to head to the out doors since you can get fresh air there. as i crept outside there was this maze... similar to the maze in final fantasy x where you had to solve before meeting yunalesca o_o

but of course.. i couldn't just go through with it so at that point i climbed the fence and headed towards the car park. the store literally was in ruins now, and that green dude was hot on my tail. i get in the car and boom. yeah..sucks. that boom was so loud though i woke up from hearing it.

why on earth am i talking about this? i'm feeling a little grisly after killing one of those big jumpy spiders. u.u;