So far away

It has been a while. So much has happened since my last post. Started a chilled youtube channel (check the video above) and have been distant from the books for over a month. Friends from Australia had began preparation for interviews, pondering over which universities to go for, and asking questions about their next step. I feel as though I've made no progress.. On top of it all, Scribblar had changed their policies and now expects their users to pay to use rooms. Something which should remain free for all. Absolutely appalled by this!!!

dearly beloved

for the past few days it seems that everytime i lay on my bed, ready to go to sleep, the gamsat test creeps into my head. today i decided to separate the associations of sleep with gamsat. to do this, i made a list of all the topics that i could think of that came on the test. there weren't a lot that i could remember, and it seems the questions themselves seem so far away - but still, i think i felt traumatised by how many questions i found hard on the test day. i hope to get better sleep tonight knowing that i've written out the topics. yay for brains being weird.

these essays

it hit me. today as i was going through the list of themes used in gamsat, in acer's ridiculous random themes there is actually some order. all of the themes share a common ground. they are issues doctors would have to face on a day to day.. or even in the lifetime career of any medical profession. they are not set merely to test our language, they are in a sense capturing one aspect of our perspective of a given emotion, in the hopes that we would be able to draw up our knowledge and experience to tackle such issues, the right way.

as i watched today unfold, i couldn't help but see this theme projected right in front of me. these supposedly unpredictable and unexplainable themes, they exist in life. learning to tackle the challenges faced in life equips us with the knowledge to answer these essays. these questions that though we might not ponder over them consciously, but inevitably we ponder over them.

mirror's edge

classy me. i feel nostalgia for playing pc games. one of which i am looking forward to playing.. after the exam that of course - is mirror's edge. something about the fast pace of that game, coupled with amazing graphics and the heart-stopping jumps.. totally miss it :<
panic isn't enough to keep my motivation up, i need to really grill down with revision.
did a sec 1 half exam, and got 59% on the paper.. now that looks all yummy on the outside but i remember the damn questions.. even though i had done it back in august! so.. that counts as cheating because i did the paper before, right? the questions which i haven't done before (the ones i normally guess at the end) i scored 62% (8/13) which is great if i wasn't doing the paper timed! i need to speed up :/

paradigm shift

today i was actually disappointed to find a job interview offer in my mail box, DISAPPOINTED! last year i would have been dancing around my room.. what the hell is wrong with me?!

astaghfur allah al'atheem...

I should look at this more positively.
at least its not a healthcare assistant job per se.. agh they are all the same are they not? cleaning poop/wee from an unfortunate soul stuck in the hospital because they happen to be sick? *sighhh..*
moar biochemistry done today along with sec 1 material. i really need to improve my sec 1, its complete ridicule compared to august last year. marked some of it.. i think i may have been half asleep answering some of the questions. i can't make silly little mistakes like this in the actual exam. 

we think too much and feel too little

happy new years by the way.. can't truly say i celebrated, for i know i shouldn't till i pass gamsat. funny how things are placed on hold while you concentrate on whats really important in life at the very moment in time.
its like while you're there in the moment, you can see all  these things around you, and its really your choice whether to get washed away in the stream or see the events unfold, as you wait patiently for your moment. its no sign of fear, its a sign of a wise adult making the decision of when to take action.
so this week its been biochemistry frenzy. i love biochemistry.. well some of it because its like piecing proteins and molecules together to make something else, with so many possibilities.. ok, i try to like biochemistry! i have to :O
i need to work on my revision schedule.i find that i'm thinking about gamsat all day, and accomplishing little, or just enough to get through the timetable. i need to make time for other things.. and that includes doing shifts at the hospital. 

lack of care

i was working with these healthcare assistants today that just seem to want to get things done. they treat the patients like a lifeless, emotionless vessel with no regard of 'care' and it just made me want to badmouth them there and then. i know that if i was in a hospital i would not want to be looked after by any of them because their care skills are simply terrible. it just made me wonder, why do people go into care work if they don't commit? care work can be enjoyed so much more if you treat patients with respect, if only they could see what they are doing.. thats all i want.

magical fantastical yet lacking

spending 60% of your time at work can sometimes have a huge impact on your family life. essentially you are spending more time at work than seeing your loved ones - lets face it when you get home, you barely have time left in the day and all you want to do is head to bed.
consequently, working as a healthcare assistant can sometime be a drag. when everyone is enjoying their weekend, you're the one that has to be off to work either really early in the morning or abruptly destroying your lunchtime at home to get to work on time. either way, your weekend is ruined!!
when you finally have the time off, everyone else would be at work, you get bored, and quite simply, quality time with family just simply isn't possible.
this makes me wonder, how happy am i at work? people at work would be classed as your second family because you are predominantly spending more time there. if the relationships at work are not up to scratch, make the effort to make your time worthwhile. otherwise, it just shows that you are unhappy where you are, take a chance and change. if a job is not satisfactory then begin applying elsewhere. you don't have to stay and endure the hardships and politics at work. after all, its not healthy to be in a bad relationship - any shrink would tell you this!

compelled to quit

It feels futile the efforts and dedication given to the things that matter the most when it comes to the outcome and it seems so bleak and significantly disappointing. you feel as though your priorities change. you no longer wish to do the job you were contractually obliged to do, but instead look inside to realise that your efforts all this time were disregarded, wasted. you realise that in order to gain something you must lose another. today i was faced with this decision, and the first thought cropped into my head was to quit this dead end job. quit the misery and the suffering. quit the anxiety and the depression. quit the longing to kill yoursellf everytime you hear that patient calling 'nurse' every few minutes. thinking more thoroughly i identified that indeed, i am not happy where i am in life. i am working at a role that is below my potential and indeed it may be a stepping stone, it feels as though i am not learning anything. i feel that the experience gained does not outweigh my desire to quit this job. and so, i am now faced with a harsh and real decision: shall i quit this job and concentrate on other things?
i feel tourmented between yes and no. i feel like a caged bird in this job, yet if i am to set myself free i fear for things to go south. i have already witnessed how not having a job affected someone dear to me, two people in fact. though i know that something like that will never happen to me. i am simply stronger and i have my initiative. i am however stuck. i cant choose whether to quit, just 2 months into the role, or stay and see if things do get better... i doubt they would get better. in fact, i know they won't get better. with that said i feel that the answer should be obvious. i should simply take a leap of faith, and quit.

new job (and minion blog) and revision

mini notice: new blog where i discuss everything healthcare assistant related, here: http://***.blogspot.co.uk/ deleted, sorry for any inconvenience

so gamsat was a chore, and well i'm not expecting a fabulous score as i was very much drowning with work. during my absence (from here) i've been playing world of warcraft (post-exam). its my way to chill after exams, take a pc game and grind my characters and complete the game 100%.
of course though now that november is here, world of warcraft stops, and attention goes back to revision. i didnt actually think i would enjoy this game much honestly.. but its very less social than flyff which really makes it terrible! enough brain matter destruction so bring on the wonderful joys of revision :D

bed-bound patients & muscle atrophy

it really hurts seeing people bed bound. one popped hip or fracture due to a hospital fall and there you go, a week in bed at least for recovery!
on top of it all, you'll be admitted into a place with so many other terminally ill patients you become to think in a similar way to them. its only when someone educated comes along and gives you a reality slap.
you lose 2% muscle mass for every single day you stay bed-bound without activity. it makes sense that you'll start to get weaker and weaker. even the young would feel these effects, if not a little less than the old.
research suggests that muscle loss or 'atrophy' begins within 4 hours of bed rest!
if you're a healthcare professional please please educate your patients! get them to carry out bed exercises, get them to roll around the bed independently, get your patients to do repeated movements and sit them up really well in their beds/chairs. put some music on, start dancing, change the atmosphere in your ward. these people are here not to die, their recovery needs to be enhanced with motivation. emotional labour only goes so much, get to know your patients and treat them as individuals.
its infuriating being a healthcare assistant, especially dealing with incompetence on the wards.

We are the change

Today we had a complex patient with dementia and an unstable blood sugar level. The first thought cropped into my head was 'mismanagement'. Despite the efforts to restore the blood sugar levels to normal, obviously the nurse had no idea of how to handle a patient like this. I felt challenged today that despite my best efforts to bring the patient into perspective, nothing was registering. Curious case, and for the first time, in all my time here, I feel motivated to be a healthcare assistant. Maybe there is hope after all..

dark side of the moon

yes i'm talking about butts and the associated pressure sores you get from staying in bed. patients need to realise how much damage bed pans do to their bottoms - honestly! if i ask a patient to get out of bed to sit on a commode - its for their own good - only babies are allowed to poop in their beds because honestly.. if you can get out of bed, why would you choose a bed pan?!
it won't make life any easier for us HCAs we still need to fetch the equipment, we still need to strap on gloves, and we still need to manoeuvre you (the patient) around the bed. so get out if you can, because thats really the only way you'll get better. 

lazy nurses and their wisdom

i think we can all agree that doing what we do, we do it because we value life and want to help others get better in the process. this kind of thing gives value to your life, its like your way of doing good in this world.
problem is, when you do kindness it often doesn't get recognised. yet, when you make a mistake, its all hell-fire on your ass.
i had a lazy nurse telling me i have good qualities. i asked her to elaborate and she merely said that

people want to work with you

it really makes me question - so if she knows this, why does she try so hard to make it impossible to work with her? *sigh* nurses!

because this doesn't happen

feeling the tension... less than a week left, must cram things in x.x
i hate how acer decided to have the exam  in the furthest possible place out of anywhere in london. great for people coming through the airport, crap for the rest of us living in the 'south east' who have to make a journey of at least 1 hour and 40minutes just to get to an exam centre ¬¬ just because the olympics were there acer please don't think that everyone is able to make that journey to be on time at 8 in the morning when you've got to cross london's rush hour and school traffic. sincerely, everyone sitting the exam. as if we don't have enough to worry about.. *sigh*

thought of the day: why didn't i choose medicine back when i was at school?

EID MUBARAK

happy eid al fitr :) time to celebrate with MECHANICS and vectors and displacements and magnitude problems! yay me.... insha'allah all our prays will be heard and hope all our hard work and efforts be repaid with 95th percentiles xD its nice to dream.. happy eid everyone :3

Bad Apple dance

will film myself doing the bad apple dance after getting accepted into medicine insha'allah xD touhou ftw hehe it looks so cool and just like gamsat, another challenge - well, a fun challenge. I don't really dance.. so this would be interesting LOL

will emo revise after this and check back with ya all tomorrow.

Ramadan Mubarak

wishing all my fellow Muslim readers a prosperous Ramadan filled with blessings and joy. fasting is very difficult especially during the long summer hours and it is a wonderful time to reflect on life, improve yourself by limiting temptation and focusing on what is really important in life.

i've been struggling to maintain a constant revision schedule with the olympic volunteering i've been doing this week, and the inconsistent revision i've had the past 2 weeks. insha'allah with Ramadan i could learn to manage time much better and concentrate on what i really need to do.

allah kareem :)

one step closer

it feels like so long ago that i decided i wanted to do medicine.. it has only hit me now that i've got a long way to go.. so much to read, so much time to dedicate working as an underdog, i just hope i'm not really setting myself up for disappointment. 

insha'allah my hard work will be rewarded

i did something different this month and got myself a treat for all the long hours i've spent on my feet.

Clarks Gore-tex leather ankle boots - £30 from Clarks clearance

i've been wearing these water-proof clarks semi-high boots that go just above your ankle. they're lovely and comfortable until the weather gets really hot, and the hospital becomes a greenhouse! in the hospital where your own waterproof shoes start to become a swimming pool of sweat. odour follows soon after, so in all attempts to prevent this i decided to get some trainers. heres what i decided to go for:

Reebok Easytrain Viva Mid trainers - £50 from Debenhams.com

i've found that the ankle height boots to be really flattering and elegant with the uniform i currently wear at the hospital. i'm hoping these trainers will fit true to size really.. they should be coming today :P