light up the sky

2 more essays done, work experience letter done, section 2 essay help notes done. 2 hours of uninterrupted revision on biochemistry next on the menu prior to marking sec 1 stuffies. lets keep going!

moar life & skates

so today was the last day of work experience. i have to say that without those amazing people, i would have probably combusted a long time ago. its amazing how when you're about to lose control and someone comes in and offers you a saving hand, its very inspiring and i will always treasure the experience gained from this work throughout. valuable lessons were learned and i can actually say, i'm proud of myself. i never thought i'd embark on such an amazing route, and a steep curve of a completely different learning experience, for once in my life, i can actually say to myself: you did good.  alhamdu'allah alatheem

i really feel like i need to get back to skating, today i did megaz0r research on the best inline skates to get considering that my £15.00 pair destroy my feet everytime i use them. besides, i don't actually know where i've put them LOL
so, i found a reasonable pair, at a somewhat reasonable price, from france! insha'allah this year i can better myself in other ways too, i really hope to get back into skating, i really enjoyed it when i was younger, and i continue to long to do so again. this pair is an investment and a promise to myself, as well as an award for all my hard work. i feel like i deserve a different type of destressor, and i hope that i'll make friends who share my passion for skating too on the way. heres the pair i bought:

K2 CELENA 2011 90mm skates

comfort, speed and design really grabbed my attention in this beauty, and considering that there was only one size left, i took the honours of claiming it mine :3 insha'allah it will be as good as it has been rated, i really want to get back into skating. i'm so excited!

truth from fibs - not an easy judgement call

yesterday has been eye opening in so many ways. i know i was supposed to be shadowing but honestly, i found it more useful choosing the people that had seemed competent at doing their role than to follow others i was assigned to. regardless of whom i was shadowing, i needed to learn. i took matters to my own hands, after all i need to get on with the job soon enough and the more perspective and opportunities i had the better. allow giving a resident a spa bath, i was really more interested in how to deal with difficult people, and i made that my own aim for the day.
i dodged a falcon punch and an elbow attempt from a lady with broken mood swings. multiple personality disorder might be at play but honestly, i was lucky.. i could have been beaten up! that lady knows how to punch O_O; all that just for assisted personal care. meh.. to be honest i would have done exactly the same thing if anyone violated my personal space. i feel somewhat offended because i completely valued her dignity and treated her in the most professional manner yet at the same time i know that i shouldn't judge, its her illness causing her to really act this way. aghh difficult much?
later on i spent 30 mins with a resident who really needed someone to talk to. i've been told i give great advice to others, this was my opportunity to use my skills to make someone feel better. even though i had never been in a similar situation to what the resident had described, i could somewhat picture exactly what my instincts would make me do, and i was able to reassure the resident and perhaps even mend a broken friendship which is always a good thing :) screw shadowing for the moment! i spoke to one of the nurses to see if they would check up on the resident and they simply said - she might have been dreaming! oh dear how do you tell the difference between truth and fibs? can the resident truly be telling the truth? she seemed upset enough, she needed someone to talk to, and i offered that listening ear... ehh i hope that whether it was true or not, she is feeling less lonely and indeed more at peace.
later in the evening i was faced with another resident who truly believed that all the 'caring' we're providing was just a game. he wanted to 'play' along, make scenarios and i have to say, the stuff coming out of his mouth were so baffling i couldn't stop laughing. i'm sure he's trying to humour the moment too, make his living more interesting so to speak. though unbuttoning the lower half of his shirt was nothing to be funny about, whether he was testing our witts or playing with our tolerance levels God knows, it was funny as hell though. it didn't help the fact that he was wearing a pad, LOLOLOLOL ok evilness aside, yesterday was one awesome day. i learned so much w00p w00p. oh and i passed manual handling on saturday! gratz pour moi :3

who's going to save the world tonight?

today has been like living in someone else's life.. i woke up from a dream of watching myself skydive... without a parachute, diving through the air saving someone while grabbing something that i had lost before my jump (off the plane).. ehh i wasn't scared, i wasn't in pain, i wanted to grab this one thing, which i did and resumed to diving towards that person... i can't tell if that was a boy/girl but meh.. i guess that didn't really matter at the time.
went to work experience, helped out where i can, made a few phone calls, ate lunch, helped out a lil more on computers and called it a day. on my way back i went to a bookshop called 'the works' they had many items on sale, and bought myself a lovely 3-in-1 book about life, i dunno i guess i need a new perspective. i need advice on how to cope with people in a difficult position, and really i just wanted something that i could learn from on the train to and from work. i got myself another edition of the theories book - i really liked the science version so i decided to take the theories explained version too. its an awesome book that introduces you to complex science concepts.. awesome awesome stuffies :D
is it weird that i am seeking advice from books? i hope not..
i was speaking to this lady who does agency work, shes got 19 years of experience and was telling me about her likes and dislikes about care. i found the conversation highly insightful and very reassuring. at least i know i'm on the right tracks :3 just that little boost of confidence from someone with experience helps so much, and kinda motivated more to carry on with what i'm doing. lovely day - unlike tomorrow which i fear is going to be so demanding on me both mentally and physically. i started making record of my steps on my ipod today. i did a total of 6000 steps today (excluding the walking around done at work) my day target is 10000 steps woo xD
hopefully tomorrow's steps would be slightly more considering i'll be going all over the place insha'allah... so to speak.

alhamdu'allah

crazy crazy insane and overwhelming >.< i passed assessment today for hca and spoke to a manager about my double ended offer deal at the hospital and they've said that if i don't accept one then i am ok to go through with the interview. a relief yet more panic on my plate to be honest.. i came home and slept like a sleep deprived grizzly to only wake up to the sound of my phone ringing. so the nursing home decided to make me a full time offer where i get to work both in assisted living and the dementia unit. crazy that the manager actually remembered our conversation when i first started, and even more crazy now i have to choose!!! dammit dania ok i'm feelin the love but what the hell?! i feel like a job offer slut somehow with me hogging offers on every end xD but in all seriousness i can't be the only person going through this kind of situation, surely this happens in all business sectors, it just takes time to develop the necessary skills and experience.
looking back in november i was desperate to hear something, anything from all the places i had been applying to and now.. ehh its a struggle of deciding what is the best option to go for.

i can't say this enough:

alhamdu'allah alrahman al'atheem!!!

 all this work is making me question myself even more, how does this make me a competent individual? how does all this work contribute to my drive and motivation? how do i know its the right path for me? with so many choices i feel privileged but at the same time, trapped in indecision and doubt. i need to speak up about all this but patience in people is wearing thin, and i can completely understand this. its tough and really, its my life at the end of the day. no one can tell me how i live it.. i have to learn to cope, i have to understand myself better and i have to know whats best for me to enable me to be better at helping others... ehh if that makes sense.

sleep tym :/ 3am woo~ ... =_=

7 days of intensive work: another side another story

reflecting on life, work and studies

my planner is alarmingly filling up. i no longer have weekends to look forward to. if i'm not at volunteer work then i'd be at a nursing home, and if i'm not there i'd be doing work experience. on top of that, i have that lovely physio thing to sort out, which is a full time role, and J training to attend, and somehow salvage whatever is left of my time and devote it to my studies and paperwork T_T
a month a go i had nothing, alhamdu'allah for this month has been a blessing. i do however need to get past the little ticks i get from people such as with the nursing home, i need to concentrate on my life, learn and get better. no point getting pissed off from other people. i know my manager was actually trying to help me now.. i know that i have to prove myself, and i know that i need to kick myself into gear. welcome to the working life, i keep telling myself. its making me doubt whether i can manage keeping up with studies.. but at the same time i can kinda understand why people in my position gained that extra determination from this, i can now understand their frustrations and most definitely envy their perseverance. one day i hope to do the same, one day i hope to give others the inspiration to follow their dreams. insha'allah.

one fugly week

only one thing i could say to really describe my week: shit. majority of the time i was shadowing i was thinking what the fuck?! i was lost and my incompetence really frikin showed. i hate being new, i like adapting quickly, i listen attentively to make sure i learn but when the teaching is rushed or lacking its not my fault. i tried i really really tried! i was so pissed off on sunday, i couldn't even look at the girl i was shadowing. now for the rest of the week i don't have to think about it. agh its frustrating being new. i don't like being bossed around, i don't like it when things are not explained, and i really don't like it when i get ill-treated. the blasted woman didn't even want me in the room as she wrote the daily notes, sending me to photocopy crap aghh!!! that really pissed me off, i was there to learn how to do my job not be pestered out of the room while she gabs on behind my back about how terrible i am aghh die die die!
sucks being me right now, not only did i have a crap weekend, but also my schedule for study has been completely thrown off-course. every time i try to organise my time something crops up, something always crops up. like today i left work exp. early so i can catch my adviser before the centre closes, and i miss the damn train. whats the point of trying? i ended up so damn late that the centre had closed for the day completely. damn public transport!!! tomorrow it would be too late, fuck this shit.
i don't know how the hell am i supposed to get to the hospital and back now, if i do go, where the hell am i going to be? how the hell am i supposed to get there?! i'm setting up myself for disappointment, i just know it :( aghhhh!!

one offer, two offers, three... oh shi~

what to do?

today i got a reply from the physio guys about the paperwork.. but i also happen to be selected for assessment as a hca in another department. problem now is... i really wanted that hca role, but the physio role is actually quite rare. i'm stuck, i don't know whether to say yes to physio or apply for hca and hope for the best x.x

either way it would look bad... considering both roles are within the same damn hospital ahh!!

so much so much to do, it seems that all my hard work is finally catching up to me, in an invasion of all free time kind of way too.. i'm no where near the right state of settlement to begin to organise my time.

will need to think more about this in the morning :L for now, its bed tym..zZ

confessions of the heart

i wish the heart was an open book

first of all, happy valentines day. its been a crazy and manic week of complete and endless work. i have had absolutely no breaks.. so much so.. its 5.51am as i am writing this - its literally the only time i have to myself. i caught up with tv: house, greys anatomy, gossip girl, once upon a time, and grimm. obviously not all in 1 night but still - i haven't been watching as much as i usually do, a change really, a good change.
i keep saying its difficult, in reality i might be over-complicating my life. its quite simple, get the experience, reflect on it and nothing else. everything else can wait.
i still haven't heard back from the physio guys.. and i'm really starting to get concerned. tomorrow is a game of chasing tails and tying loose ends. at least i hope to do that.. its been affecting my mood greatly as i thought everything would be all done and organised by february, yet still.. i am no where where i need to be. perhaps thats whats making it difficult, things don't come easy, things don't like to be organised and people most certainly don't like being forced to do work.

i had 2 sessions of shadowing with the nursing home and i think i did ok.. for a complete amateur that is.. i have to get better though. things definitely are not easy.. i just wish i'd started sooner, perhaps i wouldn't be looking at myself twice.. to reassess what i have and what i should have... ehh i'm no where near where i need to be. slacking on the job hunt is not helping either. with how busy i've been these days i have barely had any time to search. perhaps less watching tv and more job hunting? wheres the time for revision then? i would need to completely remove my computer from my room for any reading to be established... my computer is like a magnet for creativity, and not very biotechnology-friendly. x_x

blown away

does dementia mean the end?

conversations stirred from talking about interviews to talking about experiences in care. today i found myself looking back at what i've learned and comparing it to what a lady at work had previously experienced. nothing can really prepare you for what you'll have to do when you care for someone with a mental disorder. their thoughts and perception is so.. completely unpredictable as any sane person locked away, and yearning to get out. i wouldn't want to be in this position which lead me down a path of thinking about what i would do if i was ever diagnosed with dementia, how would i react? would i want someone to really look after me? knowing that i could be a threat as well as a burden both to myself, my family and friends?

the obvious answer is no - i would look through research, discoveries and the preventative measures currently available and assess whether its worth staying 'alive'. in other words, i would rather end my life than live as a burden on somebody else. i would gladly take my life because thats the logical answer.

pain on the family might be temporary or long term, but with love all around it would only bring people even closer together, and soon they would heal, together. my life is insignificant. its probably why i take so many risks.. not that i am some sort of person running around with a death wish, but i do it for myself. life is too short, its worth living it if you try.

'caring' is not a personality, its a quality earned through experience - i might not show that i care, but in all honesty, i am doing everyone a favour by showing how i care in other ways to whats normally considered... traditional. caring is over-rated anyways.

moar will powr and hard at work

walking in the cold, alone next to a motorway :( the only bad bit to a wonderful week

the past week has been incredibly intensive - not only was i subjected to a completely new environment, but i've also had to endure... so... much! despite feeling overwhelmed, i honestly can't stop smiling. all those things that i thought i'd never get to learn, well... i'm learning them. life skills essential both to myself and others. i feel like i belong, i have a purpose and far more whole than ever before. i don't care what others think of me or what the hell is dania doing its so completely unlike her... or is it? eh wheres my dania and what demon have you unleashed on this world?

all thats important is that i can reflect on what i learned and smile. 

i have a long road ahead, but for the first time in months... i feel like i'm one step closer. i can look back and say to myself, yes, you've done good. this feeling not only ignites motivation, but invites new knowledge and life experiences. i have no idea whats around the corner and i'm constantly looking to find out.

alhamdu'allah wa alif shukur jazeelan! alhamdu'allah :)

Talk more..

despite the wonderful week i've had, theres really quite a lot of things to do - i received a reply for the J volunteering and i need to attend their interview.. i really want to start training with these people because it will radically jump-start my experiences and without them i don't think i have a slight chance of improving my cv - so they are crucial in my to-do list. i have to impress no matter how difficult it might be. problem is they are super picky about people.. i have to be so damn good, irresistible entirely!
i have an extra session at this nursing home that i also need to complete.. paperwork really drags :/
my adviser needs to be informed of recent successes and changes in life.. theres so much happening that i can barely keep myself bored LOL
revision also needs to get serious.. i keep lecturing my sister about how its important to start revising early and theres me... not listening to my own advice - why dendoona why? =_=
mum suggested that i should get a car - i don't see that happening any time soon. theres no space in the driveway and i certainly don't want to start paying all those expenses that come with having a car. i can endure the weather, i can organise my time and i can definitely survive life's challenges. i have to do it for the sake of whats yet to come. everything i do, i have to do with purpose and good reason.

one door closes and two open

freedom of choice always has a compromise

I couldn't be more right! i was unsuccessful today at getting the job at london.. but the physio guy got back to me today just as i was leaving work experience and the dude had good news for me! i have been offered a job! YES YES YES! thats 2 jobs now.. a full time and a part time weighing on my shoulders and i have to choose one of them :(
both are essentially good, fruitful and have some really nice people there. the care home is like a female infested ground and the physio is just... i dunno.. it seems a little too admin-related. i need the experiences and they both seem good... agh i hate choosing! the care home ladies were amazingly flexible with me about the hours, and i could actually see myself doing the role but at the same time the physio is just one of those rare jobs.. you get to see so much.. ahh i think i should choose physio. logically i would benefit more from this.. but i really don't know any of the specifics for this job role. maybe its what i need to really start a career.. it seems so different to what i intended to do, or was hoping to do - still i've yet to experience the wrath of hospitals.. i hate choosing.. why cant i have both? :( actually maybe thats a poor decision.. maybe.. i don't know.. i need more information.

i can't decide whether i should be happy or sad about these news.. still 2 job offers are better than none and i honestly am finally glad that employers are finally taking me seriously. though, i don't want to choose between them! can't i have both? big decisions to be made and not enough time to do them. regardless i want to continue my volunteer work though i got a feeling theres nothing more that b can teach me. i've pretty much done so much background reading that when i asked b for advice she gave nothing more than what i already know. perhaps because a volunteer is not expected to act on life-threatening scenarios? most likely but still, its worth having an ally in the field, at least shes been there and has done this before.

conflicting points of interest & results

thats what i did today, totally productive

so far everything has been running smoothly, everything in my puzzle of organisation has fitted perfectly on the board, till i got an interview yesterday... which would conflict with a training date i have with a care home. dammit why?! i really really don't want to cancel it but it seems like that is the best option considering the distance i would have to travel and the extra costs that would go towards this place if i get accepted. my adviser is not going to be happy but i think that despite this set back, alhamdu'allah for all the positive news i have received.

simply working hard is never enough *takes whip out* HARDER, BETTER, STRONGER, FASTER!

my 8-paged application definitely caused an impression on one of my interviewers - though not in a good way they wanted less text and more to the point - which honestly, could not be done if i intend to address every point in the person specification! all this interview experience would come in useful, and i really really liked the london placement it was amazing! i met so many friendly and lovable characters who i would have really wanted to know more about, keep in touch with and so on... problem is, i might not get offered this placement as everyone i spoke to were incredibly dedicated and committed to the jobs. with my mere 2 month experience i am unmatchable in so many ways unfortunately.

nevertheless i also had a pleasant yet long interview within the physio placement. i felt like i could really do this job, and relate to all the things being done in the placement but at the same time the area looked slightly isolated which is not my preference, i would rather converse with a wider community and diverse body... but meh.. at least i think i did good, i'll just have to wait and see. i came out smiling from that interview - they liked my (very relevant)  anime doodles in the scenario questionnaire hehe

i got offered a place with those weird interview people which is awesome! i'm feelin the love, FINALLY! i have been looking for over 3 months! yay me :D

keep going forward - because theres no point going back when the world keeps spinning on and on

b was all weird today at volunteering - i hope she doesn't have a grudge against me.. i am slightly older than the people there and thats an advantage i suppose as i can handle more things... or maybe its my professional manner? its not the first time i had intimidated someone with my awesomeness HAH! lulz.... oh dear!

Lightning - Final Fantasy XIII-2

this is the first time that i didn't take notice of the new release of final fantasy game... which feels weird i had missed playing 11, 12, 13, 14 and i would also get to miss playing final fantasy 13-2 so yeah.. feels weird not keeping up with square enix. i'm not regretting it, as i found myself get attached to new things that are more beneficial for both myself and others. i like this new me, i can be more proud of this one :3

Care giving lulz

sounds like me talking at interviews LMAOOOO. ah i wish i could just go in one day to an interview and just base all my 'experiences' on my prestige and ranking on call of duty LOL someday.. someday i will. 

mad world

enlarge your world, mad world

last week has been crazy. if i wasn't at work experience, it was at some interview. problem now is, i have been offered a part time job but that compromises my work experience. i really want to continue this work experience as it does not interfere with my new part time contract, but it might be a death sentence for both. i really really want to continue this work experience and not hinder my chances of getting a job :(
whats the point of the whole experience if it could end just like that?! i want to finish what i started, i want to ensure that i am doing the right thing by taking this route and i really hope that the people in charge could really see my determination :(

what happens if i fail?

i went to an open day yesterday. i have to say, there are so many people wanting this so hard i have to step back and think of whether this is really worth it. i have to revise like crazy and on top of it all, i have to ensure that i get a job asap. last week has really made me a road kill. theres so much to do that when i get home all i want is to sleep. its physically challenging for me, and i could only hope that it gets better from here. i am really skeptical of my chances as i met so many amazing role models, i almost cried yesterday on the train. what are my chances really of getting in? i have to drive myself harder, and i have to let go of my previous experiences as they are worth nothing now. nothing i did previously is sufficient, chances of me getting into this is so slim i can't bear to think of what happens if i step off the platform. its completely unpredictable and i hate that. i don't like being out of control. i have to know that i can do this. i hate myself, i have to improve & endure.

pretend clothes shopping & back pain

road rage victim LOL

my back... is killing me. the pain is just sufficiently there, not too painful that i can't move, and not painless so i can move. its basically there to remind me:

ohai yes i'm still here to annoy you. aww you can't walk straight? well fuck you suffer for your sins demon!

anyways i haven't been shopping for clothes in... 3 months. yeah ever since i got back from romania, i've been punishing myself. no job = no clothes. problem is, with work experience coming up, i am forced to go to shops and browse for clothes. the fact that i have to get something, and.. i have a limited budget just makes shopping no fun at all. with my back pain reaching to my shoulders today i felt so weak. having to do this shopping in a forced manner made me very uneasy to be around. this kind of stuff should be a solo mission. to add to the frustration, i want to lose the weight i put on after coming back from romania. i guess the bad news affected me in so many ways i haven't really looked at myself to examine the damage till now. better now than later right?
wrong, i have interviews and work experience coming up so now, really does need to be NOW and not tomorrow.

just looking at my planner puts me in panic theres so many things happening i have to get my stamina back and be prepared. didn't i say the worst is yet to come? well it feels like its already begun. what? 2 days later and i'm overflowing with things to do. heres just some of the things i need to sort out:
CRB forms, photocopy id stuff, order moar print cartridges, phone up FJ and tell her about my upcoming interviews, get my teeth checked out, shop for smart clothes, meet up with adviser, REVISE ffs revise :( , print out travel tickets, manually retrieve travel tickets, application forms, prepare for interviews, practice answers, background check those bastard rents, phone up that volunteer supervisor and ask about my morning work, bodyrawk, declutter work space, go to the meeting in that church o_O meh. the list is endless, as for self-development heres something close to what i have:

oh and today i got another interview <3 HA HA HA how about that? another thing to add to my list of to-do. i remain skeptical to the frequency of such things on such short notice and the likeliness of success in any of these. theres so many people out there better than me, more desperate than me, more deserving than me. alhamdu-allah for the wonderful blessings i just wish i could be more happy of all this... insha'allah.