bone cracking

ehh everything cracks... feet, knees, back, top neck, arm, shoulders, hands, elbows, lower back, hips... aghh whats going on?! i couldn't sleep last night at all.. all i could think about was today. how am i supposed to handle today. if only i had so much enthusiasm as i have for... well everything else i wouldn't be in this situation. CRACK CRACK CRACK

astaghfur allah alatheem. 

like i said a while back... nothing comes easy with me. nothing at all. i have to do with what i've got and live. my essay today was... ehh not my best work.. i was all hyper on pro+ that my knees couldn't stop moving - i was shaking like i was on crack or something.. ehh caffeine moment. i over-dosed LOL?

so i had an interview yesterday... so many questions asked today were all related to university work. i kept thinking to myself WOO PEPTIDES!  but one thing though, what the hell is partial hydrolysis?! and suponification?! ehh that really threw me off i was thinking soap-making process... maybe? ummm maybe? concave lenses and partial pressure, ideal gas and henry's law... yeah i need to brush on my knowledge :/ the stuff i got asked were not anywhere in my comfort zone. i mean common wheres all the physio-related stuff? oh and the heart questions kicked my ass. i used common sense but wtf.. doing physiology at uni did not really help ¬¬

kudos for making my day insanely intimidating. i'm still having the interview in my head way after what happened. i'm just glad i'm still... alive. this has to be one of the hardest things i've done this year.. i just hope they didn't torture me... just to reject me :(

one fugly week

only one thing i could say to really describe my week: shit. majority of the time i was shadowing i was thinking what the fuck?! i was lost and my incompetence really frikin showed. i hate being new, i like adapting quickly, i listen attentively to make sure i learn but when the teaching is rushed or lacking its not my fault. i tried i really really tried! i was so pissed off on sunday, i couldn't even look at the girl i was shadowing. now for the rest of the week i don't have to think about it. agh its frustrating being new. i don't like being bossed around, i don't like it when things are not explained, and i really don't like it when i get ill-treated. the blasted woman didn't even want me in the room as she wrote the daily notes, sending me to photocopy crap aghh!!! that really pissed me off, i was there to learn how to do my job not be pestered out of the room while she gabs on behind my back about how terrible i am aghh die die die!
sucks being me right now, not only did i have a crap weekend, but also my schedule for study has been completely thrown off-course. every time i try to organise my time something crops up, something always crops up. like today i left work exp. early so i can catch my adviser before the centre closes, and i miss the damn train. whats the point of trying? i ended up so damn late that the centre had closed for the day completely. damn public transport!!! tomorrow it would be too late, fuck this shit.
i don't know how the hell am i supposed to get to the hospital and back now, if i do go, where the hell am i going to be? how the hell am i supposed to get there?! i'm setting up myself for disappointment, i just know it :( aghhhh!!

one offer, two offers, three... oh shi~

what to do?

today i got a reply from the physio guys about the paperwork.. but i also happen to be selected for assessment as a hca in another department. problem now is... i really wanted that hca role, but the physio role is actually quite rare. i'm stuck, i don't know whether to say yes to physio or apply for hca and hope for the best x.x

either way it would look bad... considering both roles are within the same damn hospital ahh!!

so much so much to do, it seems that all my hard work is finally catching up to me, in an invasion of all free time kind of way too.. i'm no where near the right state of settlement to begin to organise my time.

will need to think more about this in the morning :L for now, its bed tym..zZ

moar will powr and hard at work

walking in the cold, alone next to a motorway :( the only bad bit to a wonderful week

the past week has been incredibly intensive - not only was i subjected to a completely new environment, but i've also had to endure... so... much! despite feeling overwhelmed, i honestly can't stop smiling. all those things that i thought i'd never get to learn, well... i'm learning them. life skills essential both to myself and others. i feel like i belong, i have a purpose and far more whole than ever before. i don't care what others think of me or what the hell is dania doing its so completely unlike her... or is it? eh wheres my dania and what demon have you unleashed on this world?

all thats important is that i can reflect on what i learned and smile. 

i have a long road ahead, but for the first time in months... i feel like i'm one step closer. i can look back and say to myself, yes, you've done good. this feeling not only ignites motivation, but invites new knowledge and life experiences. i have no idea whats around the corner and i'm constantly looking to find out.

alhamdu'allah wa alif shukur jazeelan! alhamdu'allah :)

Talk more..

despite the wonderful week i've had, theres really quite a lot of things to do - i received a reply for the J volunteering and i need to attend their interview.. i really want to start training with these people because it will radically jump-start my experiences and without them i don't think i have a slight chance of improving my cv - so they are crucial in my to-do list. i have to impress no matter how difficult it might be. problem is they are super picky about people.. i have to be so damn good, irresistible entirely!
i have an extra session at this nursing home that i also need to complete.. paperwork really drags :/
my adviser needs to be informed of recent successes and changes in life.. theres so much happening that i can barely keep myself bored LOL
revision also needs to get serious.. i keep lecturing my sister about how its important to start revising early and theres me... not listening to my own advice - why dendoona why? =_=
mum suggested that i should get a car - i don't see that happening any time soon. theres no space in the driveway and i certainly don't want to start paying all those expenses that come with having a car. i can endure the weather, i can organise my time and i can definitely survive life's challenges. i have to do it for the sake of whats yet to come. everything i do, i have to do with purpose and good reason.

conflicting points of interest & results

thats what i did today, totally productive

so far everything has been running smoothly, everything in my puzzle of organisation has fitted perfectly on the board, till i got an interview yesterday... which would conflict with a training date i have with a care home. dammit why?! i really really don't want to cancel it but it seems like that is the best option considering the distance i would have to travel and the extra costs that would go towards this place if i get accepted. my adviser is not going to be happy but i think that despite this set back, alhamdu'allah for all the positive news i have received.

simply working hard is never enough *takes whip out* HARDER, BETTER, STRONGER, FASTER!

my 8-paged application definitely caused an impression on one of my interviewers - though not in a good way they wanted less text and more to the point - which honestly, could not be done if i intend to address every point in the person specification! all this interview experience would come in useful, and i really really liked the london placement it was amazing! i met so many friendly and lovable characters who i would have really wanted to know more about, keep in touch with and so on... problem is, i might not get offered this placement as everyone i spoke to were incredibly dedicated and committed to the jobs. with my mere 2 month experience i am unmatchable in so many ways unfortunately.

nevertheless i also had a pleasant yet long interview within the physio placement. i felt like i could really do this job, and relate to all the things being done in the placement but at the same time the area looked slightly isolated which is not my preference, i would rather converse with a wider community and diverse body... but meh.. at least i think i did good, i'll just have to wait and see. i came out smiling from that interview - they liked my (very relevant)  anime doodles in the scenario questionnaire hehe

i got offered a place with those weird interview people which is awesome! i'm feelin the love, FINALLY! i have been looking for over 3 months! yay me :D

keep going forward - because theres no point going back when the world keeps spinning on and on

b was all weird today at volunteering - i hope she doesn't have a grudge against me.. i am slightly older than the people there and thats an advantage i suppose as i can handle more things... or maybe its my professional manner? its not the first time i had intimidated someone with my awesomeness HAH! lulz.... oh dear!

Lightning - Final Fantasy XIII-2

this is the first time that i didn't take notice of the new release of final fantasy game... which feels weird i had missed playing 11, 12, 13, 14 and i would also get to miss playing final fantasy 13-2 so yeah.. feels weird not keeping up with square enix. i'm not regretting it, as i found myself get attached to new things that are more beneficial for both myself and others. i like this new me, i can be more proud of this one :3

mad world

enlarge your world, mad world

last week has been crazy. if i wasn't at work experience, it was at some interview. problem now is, i have been offered a part time job but that compromises my work experience. i really want to continue this work experience as it does not interfere with my new part time contract, but it might be a death sentence for both. i really really want to continue this work experience and not hinder my chances of getting a job :(
whats the point of the whole experience if it could end just like that?! i want to finish what i started, i want to ensure that i am doing the right thing by taking this route and i really hope that the people in charge could really see my determination :(

what happens if i fail?

i went to an open day yesterday. i have to say, there are so many people wanting this so hard i have to step back and think of whether this is really worth it. i have to revise like crazy and on top of it all, i have to ensure that i get a job asap. last week has really made me a road kill. theres so much to do that when i get home all i want is to sleep. its physically challenging for me, and i could only hope that it gets better from here. i am really skeptical of my chances as i met so many amazing role models, i almost cried yesterday on the train. what are my chances really of getting in? i have to drive myself harder, and i have to let go of my previous experiences as they are worth nothing now. nothing i did previously is sufficient, chances of me getting into this is so slim i can't bear to think of what happens if i step off the platform. its completely unpredictable and i hate that. i don't like being out of control. i have to know that i can do this. i hate myself, i have to improve & endure.

pretend clothes shopping & back pain

road rage victim LOL

my back... is killing me. the pain is just sufficiently there, not too painful that i can't move, and not painless so i can move. its basically there to remind me:

ohai yes i'm still here to annoy you. aww you can't walk straight? well fuck you suffer for your sins demon!

anyways i haven't been shopping for clothes in... 3 months. yeah ever since i got back from romania, i've been punishing myself. no job = no clothes. problem is, with work experience coming up, i am forced to go to shops and browse for clothes. the fact that i have to get something, and.. i have a limited budget just makes shopping no fun at all. with my back pain reaching to my shoulders today i felt so weak. having to do this shopping in a forced manner made me very uneasy to be around. this kind of stuff should be a solo mission. to add to the frustration, i want to lose the weight i put on after coming back from romania. i guess the bad news affected me in so many ways i haven't really looked at myself to examine the damage till now. better now than later right?
wrong, i have interviews and work experience coming up so now, really does need to be NOW and not tomorrow.

just looking at my planner puts me in panic theres so many things happening i have to get my stamina back and be prepared. didn't i say the worst is yet to come? well it feels like its already begun. what? 2 days later and i'm overflowing with things to do. heres just some of the things i need to sort out:
CRB forms, photocopy id stuff, order moar print cartridges, phone up FJ and tell her about my upcoming interviews, get my teeth checked out, shop for smart clothes, meet up with adviser, REVISE ffs revise :( , print out travel tickets, manually retrieve travel tickets, application forms, prepare for interviews, practice answers, background check those bastard rents, phone up that volunteer supervisor and ask about my morning work, bodyrawk, declutter work space, go to the meeting in that church o_O meh. the list is endless, as for self-development heres something close to what i have:

oh and today i got another interview <3 HA HA HA how about that? another thing to add to my list of to-do. i remain skeptical to the frequency of such things on such short notice and the likeliness of success in any of these. theres so many people out there better than me, more desperate than me, more deserving than me. alhamdu-allah for the wonderful blessings i just wish i could be more happy of all this... insha'allah.