to grow

no amount of waiting will tell you what you really need to do

we read guidelines, we follow rules... and if something goes wrong, we tend to try to fix things, and move on. thats life for most people. where would we be if there was no order? things have to be in place to be peaceful. training your mind to empathise with others, telling yourself you can do so much more.. you all strive to be the best you could be - so why do you tend to try so hard to impress others but when it comes to yourself, you let yourself down? is that what you call empathy? how can you empathise with others if you cannot empathise with yourself first?

i found myself lost in an obstacle course.. trying to find out a hidden meaning to what i'm doing but in reality its plain simple. everyone has their role to play in life. how well you do your job depends entirely on your commitment and compassion. you're a professional body in an army of workforce and your purpose there is to do your job. there is no need for complements or the feel good drag - all thats there is you, doing your job correctly, and with dignity. everyone has a role to play in this world, and in this job, thank God for all the blessings and fortune that has been bestowed to you. in this work force you need to find yourself, and to do that you need to be the best you could be.

happiness comes from achievement, so achieve something great today, chin up and get on with it.

bone cracking

ehh everything cracks... feet, knees, back, top neck, arm, shoulders, hands, elbows, lower back, hips... aghh whats going on?! i couldn't sleep last night at all.. all i could think about was today. how am i supposed to handle today. if only i had so much enthusiasm as i have for... well everything else i wouldn't be in this situation. CRACK CRACK CRACK

astaghfur allah alatheem. 

like i said a while back... nothing comes easy with me. nothing at all. i have to do with what i've got and live. my essay today was... ehh not my best work.. i was all hyper on pro+ that my knees couldn't stop moving - i was shaking like i was on crack or something.. ehh caffeine moment. i over-dosed LOL?

so i had an interview yesterday... so many questions asked today were all related to university work. i kept thinking to myself WOO PEPTIDES!  but one thing though, what the hell is partial hydrolysis?! and suponification?! ehh that really threw me off i was thinking soap-making process... maybe? ummm maybe? concave lenses and partial pressure, ideal gas and henry's law... yeah i need to brush on my knowledge :/ the stuff i got asked were not anywhere in my comfort zone. i mean common wheres all the physio-related stuff? oh and the heart questions kicked my ass. i used common sense but wtf.. doing physiology at uni did not really help ¬¬

kudos for making my day insanely intimidating. i'm still having the interview in my head way after what happened. i'm just glad i'm still... alive. this has to be one of the hardest things i've done this year.. i just hope they didn't torture me... just to reject me :(

one fugly week

only one thing i could say to really describe my week: shit. majority of the time i was shadowing i was thinking what the fuck?! i was lost and my incompetence really frikin showed. i hate being new, i like adapting quickly, i listen attentively to make sure i learn but when the teaching is rushed or lacking its not my fault. i tried i really really tried! i was so pissed off on sunday, i couldn't even look at the girl i was shadowing. now for the rest of the week i don't have to think about it. agh its frustrating being new. i don't like being bossed around, i don't like it when things are not explained, and i really don't like it when i get ill-treated. the blasted woman didn't even want me in the room as she wrote the daily notes, sending me to photocopy crap aghh!!! that really pissed me off, i was there to learn how to do my job not be pestered out of the room while she gabs on behind my back about how terrible i am aghh die die die!
sucks being me right now, not only did i have a crap weekend, but also my schedule for study has been completely thrown off-course. every time i try to organise my time something crops up, something always crops up. like today i left work exp. early so i can catch my adviser before the centre closes, and i miss the damn train. whats the point of trying? i ended up so damn late that the centre had closed for the day completely. damn public transport!!! tomorrow it would be too late, fuck this shit.
i don't know how the hell am i supposed to get to the hospital and back now, if i do go, where the hell am i going to be? how the hell am i supposed to get there?! i'm setting up myself for disappointment, i just know it :( aghhhh!!

one offer, two offers, three... oh shi~

what to do?

today i got a reply from the physio guys about the paperwork.. but i also happen to be selected for assessment as a hca in another department. problem now is... i really wanted that hca role, but the physio role is actually quite rare. i'm stuck, i don't know whether to say yes to physio or apply for hca and hope for the best x.x

either way it would look bad... considering both roles are within the same damn hospital ahh!!

so much so much to do, it seems that all my hard work is finally catching up to me, in an invasion of all free time kind of way too.. i'm no where near the right state of settlement to begin to organise my time.

will need to think more about this in the morning :L for now, its bed tym..zZ

confessions of the heart

i wish the heart was an open book

first of all, happy valentines day. its been a crazy and manic week of complete and endless work. i have had absolutely no breaks.. so much so.. its 5.51am as i am writing this - its literally the only time i have to myself. i caught up with tv: house, greys anatomy, gossip girl, once upon a time, and grimm. obviously not all in 1 night but still - i haven't been watching as much as i usually do, a change really, a good change.
i keep saying its difficult, in reality i might be over-complicating my life. its quite simple, get the experience, reflect on it and nothing else. everything else can wait.
i still haven't heard back from the physio guys.. and i'm really starting to get concerned. tomorrow is a game of chasing tails and tying loose ends. at least i hope to do that.. its been affecting my mood greatly as i thought everything would be all done and organised by february, yet still.. i am no where where i need to be. perhaps thats whats making it difficult, things don't come easy, things don't like to be organised and people most certainly don't like being forced to do work.

i had 2 sessions of shadowing with the nursing home and i think i did ok.. for a complete amateur that is.. i have to get better though. things definitely are not easy.. i just wish i'd started sooner, perhaps i wouldn't be looking at myself twice.. to reassess what i have and what i should have... ehh i'm no where near where i need to be. slacking on the job hunt is not helping either. with how busy i've been these days i have barely had any time to search. perhaps less watching tv and more job hunting? wheres the time for revision then? i would need to completely remove my computer from my room for any reading to be established... my computer is like a magnet for creativity, and not very biotechnology-friendly. x_x

a job offer is not definitive

sucks to be in the dark

i'm getting really worried about the job 'offer' i received last week as i still haven't had anything come through my post. it all takes time, i know, but i can't help but think of the worst.. what if they decided to offer someone else my position? does that even happen? ehh i'm not in a good place right now :(

nothing happened today - i'm just overly anxious, tired and bleh.

/facedesk patience

when the wheel reverses & time stands still

today i took the time to read what others in my position have done, what they did to fuel the activation energy to find their new stable force.. or work (kinetics reference). i've got such a long way to go :(
these people, they're like saints or something how on earth could anyone reach that level of awesomeness? it just makes me want to work harder just so i could fit in. its so weird, i don't know where i got this idea from, but honestly i've never felt so strongly about anything before. this is definitely what i want to do but it comes at such a harsh price, i have to find my way soon, real soon...
disclaimer: no i'm not talking about zombie slaying, anything related to terrorism or on tv! jeez louise!

i fixed my computer a while back and i never even bothered to upload this agh! here it is then:

so tired - must sleep - nites.

baby steps

when did democracy start to dominate who gets the job? i went to the weirdest job interview today. heck - i didn't even know how they got my information or what job i've applied for... meh. turns out i was the only one there that didn't know how on earth did this care home select me. nevertheless.. i persevered.  

it was a group interview and uhh we were only asked 2 questions ¬_¬

1. introduce yourself
2. pick whoever you thought most deserved the job. you can't write your name down.

FFFFUUUUUU!!!!!

so i took the train, walked along an excessively long motorway road in smart clothes to this place and this is all i get? agh! after this weird place i went back to town to try to find recharge. where the hell is recharge? i see it every time i'm in town but today, when i really really needed to go see FJ its gone. the place just vanishes! really felt retarded, especially after asking people around who were also incredibly unhelpful. i must have looked like a wierdo stalking the church windows. darn it google maps. oh and another funny moment with my adviser - i didn't know where town hall was. he called me and was like uhm.. don't you live here? LOL FML.

I went crazy on jewellery today, i bought some really sweet necklaces from accessorize and clairs'. i'm always looking out for those clean, minimalistic yet detailed kind of jewellery and today i was in the mood for turquoise & silver.

when i got home i was exhausted. i haven't walked this much in a long time so today felt like running a marathon. i had a lovely surprise when i opened my email to find ANOTHER interview! yes yes yes!! 8 page application form paid off. i'm so happy that finally i got an interview through my application form. alhamdu'allah wa shukruh!!!! woo ~ yaaay :D

yessssssss!

just like a heart beat the drum beat carries on

nickleback - when we stand together

Hope you've had a good new year i bought nothing. literally nothing for the past month! salmon for christmas in the renovated oven was a disaster. despite cranking up the heat to full power the oven failed to provide sufficient heat to cook the salmon, therefore christmas lunch became christmas dinner. instead of taking 20 mins to cook, the salmon took 3h30mins to cook! stupid oven! we need a new kitchen :(
i've been selling junk on ebay to try to get some cash back to go for a new oven... it really sucks not having a job. speaking of which i've been applying like crazy, i have an interview (out of the blue) tomorrow but honestly i don't know what they expect of me... or what job have they decided to select me for. gg for sending me an email with just an address and a time, on short notice. wonderful stuff. well i'm desperate so i'm good with whatever stumps and trips up my doorway. if they need a person with a car i am going to rage kill then go shopping.
volunteering hasn't been as fun as i had hoped, i seem to distance myself and that cannot happen! it means i'm spending too much time by myself on a computer, becoming more antisocial? no way not this time round i want a good reference and i have to pull myself out! tomorrow i'm going to job hunt in person, pulling off my charms and making the local employers hire me. fun time :3

on saturday i ended up walking all the way back home from north maidenhead - which meant 1h30mins of walking.. not fun for my feet as both my soles (pad of foot and heel) were incredibly sore and painful when i came home - though, i enjoyed the exercise.. and it gave me time to think.
theres so much to do and with so much responsibility weighing over my head theres no time to make mistakes. i have to keep up my biotechnology knowledge, keep refreshing my memory while also doing this work experience, interviews, volunteer work and the dreaded application forms. not only this, i also have to sort out the house - thats actually an under-statement i need to raid the whole house and somehow make it live-able. its depressingly filled with clutter and well, i don't complain out loud and that drives mum crazy. she wants me to be more open about my concerns but what? who me? open? you're joking right?! such qualities are for the fool and the weak-hearted.

its me against the world

Season's greetings

with the end of the month slowly creeping in, i'm getting more and more anxious as to why i don't jave a job yet.. i've been working on nothing but applications the past week and i'm really not liking the outcome so far!
there was a job posted last night that i really really wanted to apply for, and i've been working so darn hard perfecting my application for the role... i slept at 5am last night and i only had a little to write to finish off my application. this morning i get on, and poof! advert is gone :( i'm still kicking myself for not finishing the application... even if it was early darn it, it went on the website for less than a day!
are applications in london so hard to get? are they so heavily demanding that people just don't advertise there anymore? :(

the undervalued significance of finding yourself

one of the things i have been working on is securing an interview - and one thing i've done is attend a workshop. at university you would have thought that by attending lectures, taking part in societies and events you would be getting the best exposure to how to tackle life outside studying... well.. not really. employers don't just look at your university life, they want to know what you've learned and how you developed as a person. the main objective of applying to anywhere is to tell the employer yes i know what the job is about, and i really want to work for you. basically you want to kiss ass, but make sure that your lips are going to stain, or... in other words, you should be aiming to leave a lasting impression in both the application/cv and the interview. think of your role model and how they inspired you, and try to portray that in the way you put yourself across.

in preparation or in times of self doubt, i find that meditation usually helps. concentrate on the qualities you have, and how you want people to see you. this way it flows naturally, even if its in the back of your mind, you will find that by looking deep into yourself, you can actually find the person you really want to be.

one time i was really really stressed out during revision time, and instead of rage quitting, i took a deep breath and decided to meditate. 15 mins is really all you need, just clear your mind, find that inner peace, no distractions, no muscles tensed, no bright lights (and don't fall asleep!) just concentrate on whats troubling you. in my case, i honestly didn't know what the stuff i was reading would get me. in a series of why? what? and how? questions i managed to find out what i really wanted to do. once you reach a spot where you can't question yourself any longer, thats when you know.

so theres 2 parts to this job advice, but it all really depends on you. where do you want to be in life? are you happy where you are? how can you change? boundaries are there to be broken, so don't let yourself be locked away in a cage. make the effort to be who you really want to be, and never get discouraged from others. in the end, its your life, and all your actions will consequently shape how you live it. stop wasting time, and start thinking about your future.