a job offer is not definitive

sucks to be in the dark

i'm getting really worried about the job 'offer' i received last week as i still haven't had anything come through my post. it all takes time, i know, but i can't help but think of the worst.. what if they decided to offer someone else my position? does that even happen? ehh i'm not in a good place right now :(

nothing happened today - i'm just overly anxious, tired and bleh.

blown away

does dementia mean the end?

conversations stirred from talking about interviews to talking about experiences in care. today i found myself looking back at what i've learned and comparing it to what a lady at work had previously experienced. nothing can really prepare you for what you'll have to do when you care for someone with a mental disorder. their thoughts and perception is so.. completely unpredictable as any sane person locked away, and yearning to get out. i wouldn't want to be in this position which lead me down a path of thinking about what i would do if i was ever diagnosed with dementia, how would i react? would i want someone to really look after me? knowing that i could be a threat as well as a burden both to myself, my family and friends?

the obvious answer is no - i would look through research, discoveries and the preventative measures currently available and assess whether its worth staying 'alive'. in other words, i would rather end my life than live as a burden on somebody else. i would gladly take my life because thats the logical answer.

pain on the family might be temporary or long term, but with love all around it would only bring people even closer together, and soon they would heal, together. my life is insignificant. its probably why i take so many risks.. not that i am some sort of person running around with a death wish, but i do it for myself. life is too short, its worth living it if you try.

'caring' is not a personality, its a quality earned through experience - i might not show that i care, but in all honesty, i am doing everyone a favour by showing how i care in other ways to whats normally considered... traditional. caring is over-rated anyways.

fine touches to design & snow fight

Snowing today c:

today has been really mellow i woke up to a snow fight which just lasted merely 10 minutes (pathetic forfeit by my sister) followed by an awesome hot shower, hair trimming and chilling out to relaxing music while editing the layout of my blog - i've decreased the space taken up by the header and moved the adverts to the side column only - a major improvement to the use of space, and wonderful flowing of images stacked on top of each other. i also added the blogger navbar at the top of the page to make things easier for both me and others to use. problem is now i feel guilty. i shouldn't be relaxing - not when i have so much to do x__x
next things on my list of things to do is clear up my desk and get some revision done. bleh.. sundays are not the same anymore :(

moar will powr and hard at work

walking in the cold, alone next to a motorway :( the only bad bit to a wonderful week

the past week has been incredibly intensive - not only was i subjected to a completely new environment, but i've also had to endure... so... much! despite feeling overwhelmed, i honestly can't stop smiling. all those things that i thought i'd never get to learn, well... i'm learning them. life skills essential both to myself and others. i feel like i belong, i have a purpose and far more whole than ever before. i don't care what others think of me or what the hell is dania doing its so completely unlike her... or is it? eh wheres my dania and what demon have you unleashed on this world?

all thats important is that i can reflect on what i learned and smile. 

i have a long road ahead, but for the first time in months... i feel like i'm one step closer. i can look back and say to myself, yes, you've done good. this feeling not only ignites motivation, but invites new knowledge and life experiences. i have no idea whats around the corner and i'm constantly looking to find out.

alhamdu'allah wa alif shukur jazeelan! alhamdu'allah :)

Talk more..

despite the wonderful week i've had, theres really quite a lot of things to do - i received a reply for the J volunteering and i need to attend their interview.. i really want to start training with these people because it will radically jump-start my experiences and without them i don't think i have a slight chance of improving my cv - so they are crucial in my to-do list. i have to impress no matter how difficult it might be. problem is they are super picky about people.. i have to be so damn good, irresistible entirely!
i have an extra session at this nursing home that i also need to complete.. paperwork really drags :/
my adviser needs to be informed of recent successes and changes in life.. theres so much happening that i can barely keep myself bored LOL
revision also needs to get serious.. i keep lecturing my sister about how its important to start revising early and theres me... not listening to my own advice - why dendoona why? =_=
mum suggested that i should get a car - i don't see that happening any time soon. theres no space in the driveway and i certainly don't want to start paying all those expenses that come with having a car. i can endure the weather, i can organise my time and i can definitely survive life's challenges. i have to do it for the sake of whats yet to come. everything i do, i have to do with purpose and good reason.

kill me now

why does everything have to be so complicated?

day 2 of training at this nursing home and all i keep thinking is, what the hell am i doing with these idiots? i keep telling myself shut up and get on with it. if i want the experience then i will have to endure the ridiculous-ness that i've got myself into. i have to learn, i have to be able to deal with a wide range of people. i've done it before and damn right i can do it again, and again if i really have to!

patience with the oldies and embrace the noob that you are in this... eh who am i kidding.

i spoke to this amazing manager in the dementia unit and she said i can do some shadowing there (eventually letting me work there too) and i thought O YEAH YOU GO DANIA MOAR IS GOOOD (i hope... at least that its good) ..uhh she was grinning at me, i hope thats in a good way... why do i feel like i'm in too deep?

the walk to this place is dreadful - i have to cross motorways, dual carriage ways, risk my life next to super fast traffic for 40 mins, while on the other side its completely deserted, no houses... just open fields, battling body-numbing freezing weather and the urge to just turn back. i can't flippin turn back its just day 2! agh! i wish i had a car! at least i wouldn't have to walk this long. i hate the pitty other employees have given me knowing that i have to walk. why on earth did they accept me? why in the devil did i accept them?!

my advice to self: shut up and get on with it. better now than never.